The SmarK Rant for Tuesday Night Titans (on Fridays) – 01.18.85
Well, let’s see what kind of monkeyshines we can get into this week.
Still brought to you by Levi’s Menswear!
Hosted by Vince McMahon & Lord Alfred Hayes
Vince and Alfred discuss the Hogan training sessions from the last show, and introduce brand new footage, with Hillbilly all swolled up like a big ol’ bear or some kind of oak tree now. And ever since he started taking Hogan’s vitamins, he’s been doing his chores a lot more efficiently! Oh great, Hillbilly Jim in “Breaking Bad”. So it’s off to the gym to the strains of “Real American”, and now Jim has the basic understanding of lifting weights that he lacked last time, possibly due to those “vitamins”. This song reminds me: I was watching the Todd in the Shadows “One Hit Wonderland” about Rick Derringer’s “Rock N Roll Hoochie Koo”, and when he got to the “Did He Do Anything Else?” section, Todd correctly predicted myself and every other wrestling nerd watching jumping out of our seats and yelling the answer at the screen. Anyway, although Hillbilly can now run the ropes with some grace, Hulk declares that he’s still not ready to work yet. Just because you can beat a bear in the circus doesn’t mean you can beat superstars in the WWF! I mean…he beat up a BEAR. That’s pretty impressive. So Jim grabs the poor jobber who is sparring with them and squeezes him with a bearhug. So Hulk concedes and offers to get Jim a match in a couple of weeks. Hopefully not with a bear, because apparently that’s been done.
Sky Low Low is out first guest tonight, and Vince declares him the greatest midget wrestler of all time. That’s a low bar to clear. Because he’s SHORT, get it? Anyway, Vince talks about the disaster that was Butcher Vachon’s wedding reception, where Sky Low Low was the ringbearer, and we travel back in time for that circus. Jesse Ventura and Lou Albano hurling abuse at flower girl Diamond Lil is hilarious. And then Freddie Blassie trips Sky Low Low with his cane for an amazing bump and the heel managers steal the ring. TREMENDOUS. This is exactly the kind of wacky nonsense that WWE has been missing for years. Back at the studio, Sky vehemently denies looking up Diamond Lil’s dress, because he’s a gentleman. Back to the reception, with Butcher cutting the cake with his bride. Vince tells them to share the cake while Dr. D yells sexist remarks from the sidelines and then shoves the cake in the bride’s face. Vince’s “OH MY GOD, NO!” is amazing timing, and then it turns into the inevitable food fight thanks to George Steele and you just know everyone involved was drunk off their asses. They’re not topping this for the rest of the episode.
Little Joey & Frenchie LaMont v. Little Brutus & Sky Low Low
We’re back to the 70s judging by the film stock here, and we’re joined in progress with Sky working over Joey with a series of crucifix pin attempts as the partners keep pushing them over. Little Joey gets caught in the heel corner and double-teamed, but Frenchie gets a hot tag and chases Sky around the ring. Unfortunately, Brutus comes in with a series of slams and rolls him up for the pin with the tights at 3:38 aired. Apparently this was just the first fall, but sadly we’ll never know the exciting conclusion of the match. My assumption is that King Kong Bundy came to the ring and dropped elbows on all of them.
Back to the studio, Sky shows Vince his fuzzy boots, specially made for Quebec winters.
The Executioner is our next guest. Some impressive star power this week. Vince discusses the advantages and disadvantages of wearing masks, and we go to the videotape.
Tito Santana v. The Executioner
I’m assuming this isn’t Buddy Rose like at Wrestlemania, plus Rose worked under his own name at this point in the WWF. He sounded more like Danny Davis in his interview with Vince, but Davis usually went by Mr. X and wore a full bodysuit. Tito works a headlock and really grinds on that, then gets a backdrop and uses an Indian deathlock into a bridge for the pin at 3:52.
Back at the studio, Vince points out that the Executioner’s eye color appears to have changed from the taped match to now. This whole segment was an epic fail.
Captain Lou Albano is the next guest, here to once again deny skimming any money off the MS charity. Vince takes us back to the amazing Piper-Albano confrontation from the last episode. I actually unearth even more hilarious Piper lines watching it again, like Piper declaring himself “an equal opportunicist, offender and defender”. Back in the present, Albano goes off on another rant against Piper, and he’s going to keep fighting, and he promises not to “yell and holler” while yelling and hollering, and finally Vince has to talk him off the ledge with a more calm demeanor. And then he reminds Lou that Piper sucker-punched him like a snake and Albano gets ALL FIRED UP all over again as Vince throws it to the break.
Back with Vince and Alfred in a barber shop, hyping up next week’s hairstyling segment with Bobby Heenan and Big John Studd as they wrap up the show. We can only hope no one gets thrown through a window.
So…elephant in the room here. This episode is about 8 minutes shorter than the other ones on the Network, and I wondering if something got cut out, and then I went back and listened carefully to Lord Alfred’s list of guests at the beginning and apparently one of them was supposed to be Mel Phillips. DAMMIT! Talk about denying me my shot at the game winning tasteless comedy home run.
Quite the episode, even without Mel.