The SmarK Rant for MLW Fusion–08.13.19

The SmarK Rant for MLW Fusion – 08.13.19

The debut rant for this show did REALLY big numbers, surprisingly, so let’s carry on.

Taped from New York City.

Your hosts are Rich Bochini & Tony Schiavone

Bestia 666 v. Rey Horus

Both guys are repping The Crash, Konnan’s promotion out of Mexico, and apparently Bestia is Damien 666’s son. Well it’s certainly not a common last name, unless “666” is like “Jesus” in Mexico where lots of people have it. Horus gets some legsweeps to keep Bestia on the mat, but he misses a dive and Bestia hits him with his own. They trade chops on the floor and back in as Bestia gets a Snake Eyes in the corner, complete with Nash hairflip afterwards. Are we SURE he’s Damien’s kid? Bestia with a superkick for two as the announcers are like “Well, it’s a slower pace here…” but Horus makes a comeback with a headscissors to put Bestia on the floor. Horus follows with a nice somersault dive over the post and they have a bit of a brawl out there, and back in for a chopfest. Bestia tries a powerbomb and it’s reversed into a rollup, but Bestia gets his own for two. Horus hits a standing Spanish Fly for two, however. Didn’t that move used to be called a C4 for a while, or was that strictly a thing with the WWE pirate? Horus dodges a charge and they fight on the top, but he tries a wacky lucha move and gets blocked by Bestia. So instead he gets an armdrag off the top for two. That was awkward. Horus goes up and Bestia follows for the slugfest up there and then crotches him to set up a muscle buster to finish at 9:37. “Oh my gosh, you can break somebody’s neck with that one!” notes Tony. Little too inside baseball there, I think, but point taken. This was, as the announcers noted, more methodical and slow-paced than your usual lucha libre match, but they worked hard and it was pretty OK overall. **1/2

Salina, manager of Bestia, thinks this makes her the best promoter in history, and wants Konnan to be “more of a man and less of a bitch”, which draws the Jerry Springer reaction from the crowd. So Konnan comes out and wonders why she’s not out walking the streets, and offers to return her stolen iPhone (which is full of scandalous information and such), but he’s now learned via that phone that Savio Vega was supposed to be paid a bonus by her, which he did not receive. And he’s likely unhappy about it. So Savio, who looks exactly the same as he did in the 90s, comes out to fire Salina and align himself with Konnan instead. You know, if Salina is signed into iCloud, she can just log into her account and erase the phone, plus put a lock on it. Problem solved! Also, if Konnan didn’t have the passcode, it’s pretty much impossible to do anything with the phone.

Yeah, I deal with iPhone shit all day, sue me.

Meanwhile, MJF buys Rolexes for his boys and they laugh at how HILARIOUS it is that Teddy Hart is a terrible drug addict who is doing crack under a bridge somewhere. This leads to a group hug and they’re all a bit emotional about it. This was REALLY funny stuff.

Meanwhile, the Hart Foundation hangs out with their cats and tries to teach Brian Pillman how to do a standing shooting star on the hotel beds.

Meanwhile, Contra Unit introduces us to the fourth member of the DEATH SQUAD, Ikuro Kwon, who was discovered doing crazy Taiwanese torture shit overseas and is not the sort of fellow to be messed with. HOT COALS. ON BODY PARTS.

Apparently Ross Von Erich is in Hobbs & Shaw, which I didn’t know. But even so, his acting debut has been ruined by his brother Marshall getting blinded. So we head back for a word with Ross and Tom Lawlor, and they’re pretty pissed about it. I’m sorry, but I have trouble taking Lawlor seriously as a badass after listening to him doing chicken sandwich reviews and talking through a Kane mask.

BREAKING NEWS: MLW and The Crash have announced a partnership.

Meanwhile, Mance Warner threatens to cut a whiteboard with a chainsaw to show how much he hates Selina. Thankfully it doesn’t come to that.

Contra Unit (Simon Gotch & Josef Samael) v. Jay Sky & Ariel Dominguez

Gotch has completely reinvented himself as a shootfighting badass, I’ll give him that. He suplexes one of the geeks like a sack of shit and Samael finishes him with a camel clutch at 0:40. And then jams a railroad spike into his face for good measure.

And then, amazingly, the announcers actually point out that Selina did not have “Find My iPhone” enabled and was unable to erase her phone! Now that’s a nice bit of story continuity. Also, Konnan “hacked the password”, which is not really a thing, but again kudos for trying. Hey, if she didn’t have her phone backed up and password-protected, it’s her own fault. We live in dangerous technological times.

Next week: LA Park v. Jimmy Havoc in a street fight to get the phone back, plus Mance Warner v. Ricky Martinez.

National Openweight title: Alexander Hammerstone v. Savio Vega

Hammerstone is one of MJF’s douchbros in The Dynasty and has only been around for a couple of years. MJF and Holliday do some terrible salsa dancing on the outside to Savio’s music, which really offends Tony, because they’re not even doing the dance right! Savio is indeed looking much older once he gets into the ring, but no more so than Konnan or anyone else from the same time. Vega gets some chops in the corner, which offends MJF. “Do NOT chop him again!” I feel like that’s an empty threat. Hammerstone gets an elbow in the corner, but misses a charge, and Savio gets some shots out of a headlock. He misses a charge and bumps out of the corner to give Hammerstone the heat, and he stomps away and chokes him out in the corner. Powerslam gets two. Big boot puts Savio down and Hammerstone goes up and misses a dropkick, which allows Savio to make the comeback. Savio chops him down and gets the sidekick, but the heels engage in various nefarious shenanigans behind the ref’s back, allowing Hammerstone to drop Savio onto an exposed turnbuckle and finish with a front suplex deal at 7:50 to retain. The move was like a gourdbuster, but he dropped Savio onto his knees and then bent him backwards. I don’t know if that was intentional but it looked sick. This was literally Savio laying around and selling for the entire match, but the dude is 55 years old so he’s not gonna have much to offer at this point. ½*

Nothing for good wrestling this week, but this is an easy and entertaining show to watch and it never dragged.