Alright, before we start this thing…..
Fairest of warnings – this is a ‘review’ of the EVE Kris Wolf Retirement show. I want to stress up front that it is just tangentially a review of an actual wrestling show, since there’s very little traditional wrestling on it. Also, I swear a lot in this one to seem edgy and give out goofy match ratings because I really want people to accept me and my originality in prose when in reality I’m completely insecure about those things as it relates to my musings about pro wrestling.
Bottom line – you probably barely know this promotion, this is barely a wrestling show, and I think I’m funnier than I am which will probably make this whole thing tedious and a chore to sit through, but we all like Scott so get him that sweet ad revenue and hit that ‘read more’ button. Besides, you can slam me in the comments for the moments of your life that I’m sadly stripping away from you by pseudo-promising something that I probably won’t deliver on.
Cool? Cool. Let’s go.
As probably the newest & least knowledgeable of the small tribe of EVE fans that populate the late night threads here at the Blog of Doom (WE’RE KILLING THE BLOG, ONE NIGHT THREAD AT A TIME), I like to listen to folks talk about shows that I haven’t watched but should. And one show kept coming up as it related to EVE – the Kris Wolf Retirement show. As in, “You should really watch the Kris Wolf show, because it’s unique and hilarious and I’ll come to your house and violate you with the business end of a wooden spatula if you don’t, motherfucker.”
With that in mind, along with my lack of necessity when it comes to attaining gross new kitchen tools, I decided a few nights ago to watch the show.
Now, I’ve been a wrestling fan for literally 30 years, since the MegaPowers exploded at the tender age of 11 for me, so I’ve seen a lot of really, really weird wrestling shows. I’ve watched Juggalo Championshit Wrestling, I’ve watched some DDT, I’ve seen some crazy ass shit over the course of that time. Hell, I discovered Scott and his work through rec.sports.pro-wrestling back in the long ago time of 1996 and even tracked down the IWA Bath House match after he did a mini-rant on it.
Well, this show is….different. In the best possible way. It’s perfectly nutso and bananas and an off-the-charts acid trip of a professional wrestling show, that I had to think a bit about how I wanted to go about doing this whole thing. But tradition works best and I’m lazy, so recap style it is.
BRING ME YOUR MOMS: EVE PRESENTS WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE! THE FRANTIC SCRAMBLE IN SEARCH FOR MEANING THROUGH A MESS OF MEATY INTERACTIONS AKA THE KRIS WOLF RETIREMENT SHOW – April 26th, 2019 – The Resistance Gallery
So the theme to the show is that Kris Wolf, the pint-size ass biter with a tail is retiring from pro wrestling, and this show will celebrate her life by being the story of her life, as told in wrestling matches by the rest of the EVE roster. All matches except for one are out of EVE’s ‘canon’, so everyone is just letting it all hang out tonight to celebrate Kris, who booked and wrote this show. So buckle up.
Kris makes her way out to the ring to start us off, running around like Bayley on a crack binge. “Thank you! First of all, I would just like to say: penis.” She thanks everyone for coming and says this is the story of Kris Wolf! “So please put your paws together for Emily to read us some rules and shit.”
Emily runs down the rules to start. In case of a fire (Kris: “Run and panic?”), don’t run out that door (Kris: “You’ll die that way for sure.”). You can cheer or boo, but don’t slut shame people. Kris doesn’t know what slutshaming is, so Emily tells us that some people think sex is shameful, but sex is actually great! Kris wholeheartedly agrees! No bodyshaming (Kris: “All bodies are delicious.”), we’re not homophobic (Kris: “I’m not.), not transphobic either! Tall people look around – if there’s a short person behind you, let them in front of you! And, occasionally, wrestlers don’t stay in the ring (Kris: “We might fly at you.”), so that’s the risk you take by staying. Crowd: “We’re all gonna die!”
Kris on the mic alone again, and she tells us that 34 years ago, there was a match – a battle for life! Up first, the conception of Kris Wolf!
And out first, we get Session Moth…..wait, no, that’s not right, it’s the most terrifying side of Moth yet, the Ovary Moth Martina! Martina is adamant that there will be no more babies, as she has ‘No More Babies’ written on her chest, even though she has ‘Egg’ written on her forehead.
Out next, (“Swimming her way to the ring” sayeth Dann) is Erin Angel, AKA Spunk Angel, sperm painted on her face! Not to be outdone, Laura “Man Cream” Di Matteo and Killer “Jizz” Kelly join her, wigglies of their own adorning their visages.
Spunk Angel, Man Cream Di Matteo & Jizz Kelly vs Ovary Martina
The sperm run into each other in the corner while Martina tells us that her legs are closed tonight. “CM Spunk!” chants the crowd. Martina runs into the crowd to escape the sperm (Dann: “Where’s fucking Scott Steiner when you need him?”), so the sperm fight amongst themselves for awhile. Martina comes back in with a crossbody off the top onto all the sperm while yelling “No more babies!”, and she proceeds to dominate the sperm with clotheslines. She tells the crowd that she’s going to unleash her greatest weapon the sperm and looks for a Bronco Buster, but the sperm are all too eager for THAT to occur, and now the sperm take over. But wait! The sperm are fighting amongst themselves! Killer Jizz takes them all out and after a worm, there’s sperm in Martina’s face in the form of a corner dropkick.
Martina gets set up for Shattered Dreams, but the sperm can’t stop fighting amongst themselves long enough to do the deed, and Martina fights out, because when she says no, she means no, damnit! More shenanigans ensue and Man Cream puts Martina in a submission hold, screaming “Get pregnant!” the entire time. Jizz saves and puts on one of her own, then Spunk does, but no one can quite knock up Martina! This woman has the iron will of a very tired vagina. She fights out again and hits a Code Breaker on Kelly, but that leaves her open to a cutter from Spunk, a missile dropkick from Man Cream, and a Death Valley Driver from Jizz as all three of them get the pin on Martina.
THOUGHTS: I give this 4 Eddie Vedder Pro-Choice charity concerts out of 6. Because a woman’s body is her own and no means no, damnit. No more babies!
Martina rolls over and sure enough, she’s sporting that pregnancy belly. “And Kris Wolf was conceived!” Martina looks to celebrate with a tasty adult beverage to the horror of the crowd, who chant “NO!” But let’s face it, Martina isn’t having any of this shit, so she just pulls out the stuffing that gave her the pregnancy belly and imbibes. And “Let’s Get It On” plays as the women leave the ring.
And that’s the FIRST MATCH.
Creepy voiceover Kris tells us that so, she made her way into the world of the humans, so enter Act 2 – Puberty!
And out first, it’s Jinny – but not the Jinny you know and loathe, no, it’s Jinny Havoc! Dressed in full-on Jimmy Havoc gear, even the ref doesn’t seem to know what to make of this one. “Jinny! Jinny! Jinny Fucking Havoc!” Oh, by the way, the real Jimmy Havoc is on commentary. Her opponent is Jetta, and she is rocking some painted-on tears under her eyes, a blue bandana, some real Prison Mike shit.
Jinny Havoc vs Teenage Jetta
Jetta wants to know if Havoc is okay, but Jinny throws up the horns to let her know it’s all good. Jetta wants to know if Jinny knows how to wrestle, since as far as she knows, Jinny doesn’t start training for several years. Dann: “Some Endgame time-travelin’ shit going on here.” There’s some taunting about Channels 4 and 5 that goes way over my head, but Jetta sells it so well I laughed anyway. Jetta controls with a wristlock for about a year, they work off that. Jinny slugs her down and leaves the ring to get a drink from the bar. But the bartenders won’t serve her ‘cause she’s underage, you see?
Jetta comes over to get a drink for herself, but Jinny RATS HER THE FUCK OUT and no drinky-drink for her. So Jetta’s going to her room, complete with her slamming the door; Jinny says she can slam the door harder, and we’ve got ourselves a good-ol’ door slamming competition. They pout for awhile after the ref sends them back to the ring without dinner. Crowd: “Oh, you’re getting grounded!” Back in the ring, he tells them that they’re going to make up, and they’re going to wrestle, damnit!
They start screaming at each other as the ref puts his head down in the corner, they poke each other, and then…..slap fight! Crowd: “Holy shit!” Jinny forearms her and then hits a ‘rana as a wrestling match may dare to break out here, Jetta makes a comeback, but what’s that – why, it’s the disembodied voice of Jetta’s mother! That’s enough of a distraction for Jinny to hit the Acid Rainmaker for the pin.
THOUGHTS: I give this my 3 Flannel Shirts from 1993 tied around the waist at a Lollapalooza & 1 cool, refreshingly confusing Zima out of 5.
Voiceover Kris tells us that after several jobs, she found herself in Japan. Act 3 now – Kris battles Japan!
Viper is out, but she’s not Viper tonight – she’s “The Mountain”. Next up, we get Jamie Hayter, but of course it’s not Jamie Hayter – it’s Tongkatsu, the ninja!
The Mountain vs Tongkatsu
Jamie circles and attempts to climb the mountain, but that doesn’t work. She grabs the mountain by the leg, but that doesn’t work. Chops don’t seem to phase the mountain either.
So, it’s kicks from the ninja and now the mountain moves, but we could have ourselves a very pissed-off mountain now. The ninja goes for the crane kick, but that gets her a slap in the face from the mountain. Big chop from the mountain. Crossbody by the mountain gets two. Driver attempt from the mountain is escaped and now the ninja hides behind the mountain. So the mountain shrugs and ABSOLUTELY CLOBBERS the ninja with a legit back elbow that sounded terrifying, and the ninja comes up bleeding from the mouth.
Hey, this is all in good fun and I’m enjoying myself, but you better calm the fuck DOWN when you’re in there with Jamie Hayter, Viper.
Cannonball in the corner from the mountain gets two, but the mountain goes for another Driver and that proves to be her undoing, as the ninja escapes and hits kicks and a Shining Wizard for the pinfall.
THOUGHTS: I give this 6 cliched office inspirational posters out of 9. CLIMB THE MOUNTAIN.
Charlie Morgan on commentary “I’m just not sure what I’m watching.” Testify, Charlie.
Up next, we get to meet the Wolf! So here’s Charli Evans against a blow-up doll with a wolf’s head on it.
The wolf enters to “Hungry like the Wolf” by Duran Duran.
The wolf’s name is Tito!
Charli Evans vs Tito, the blow-up Wolf
And we’re not wasting time, as Tito flies into the ring off the balcony for two! The ref tries to hold back Tito but to no avail, as the Tito hits a huge tope onto Charli in the crowd! Think of the crowd’s safety, you crazy wolf motherfucker! Crowd chants for Tito as Charli takes over with kicks, but Tito reverses Charli into the ringpost.
Back in, and a suplex by Tito gets two. Evans gets the advantage and stomps away on Tito, then a running kick in the corner for two. The ref attempts to check on Tito, but Charli hits a superkick for two. Rings of Saturn by Evans on Tito. Kicks by Evans, but Tito is wolfing up! Enzuigiri by Tito! Tito’s on fire! Tito off the ropes, You can’t see me! by Tito! Tito with a spinning ‘rana, but the kickout bumps the ref!
Tito takes this opportunity to bite the fingers of Charli, the crowd wants “Fight Forever”, but Charli makes the ropes. Heluva Kick by and a powerbomb by Charli, Tito kicks out! Charli can’t put away Tito! Evans goes out and gets a chair, wedging it in the corner. But Tito blocks! Evans charges, drop toehold by Tito on Evans into the chair!
This match must be what Jim Cornette sees on a REALLY bad acid trip.
Tito gets two off that and goes up, 450 by Tito! 1, 2, no! Where does she get her resilience from? Slugfest now, won by Tito! Kneelift by Charli, hammerlock DDT, 1, 2, no!
I think that, possibly, the referee may have assisted Tito there.
Charli can’t believe it, but don’t worry, she’s got a plan – she goes outside the ring and gets a bag of thumbtacks! Now wait a minute, that could literally kill Tito! Or at least, deflate him. Evans puts Tito on her shoulder and goes up, but Tito fights back and throws Charli off the top into the tacks! 1, 2, NO! Tito saves himself, but at what cost? AT WHAT COST? Tito, now a sadistic motherfucking blow-up wolf who’s been pushed to the edge by Charli, goes for a powerbomb on the tacks, but Charli reverses to a Liontamer! “Please don’t tap!” sayeth the crowd, and Tito makes the ropes! Charli pulls him down into a sunset flip, reversed back and forth several times (with almost ten times the skill of most divas matches in the early aughts), and Charli finally manages to grab the tights and hold Tito down for the three count.
THOUGHTS: I give this 7 and ½ confused Kota Ibushi gifs out of 11.
Post-match, Tito wants a paw shake, but Charli boots him instead.
Intermission time – we watch Charli Evans against Kris from the She-1 earlier this year.
Low Low Brow is our burlesque performer tonight. She does things with nails and cigarettes.
Up next, we have an actual match in EVE continuity, the only one tonight.
Eh, I don’t really want to actually recap a real match here. It’s so not in the spirit of the show. But it’s Kay Lee Ray, so I’ll half-ass it.
Kay Lee Ray (C) vs Nina Samuels – Pro Wrestling EVE championship match
Kay Lee won the title from Nina at She Slams on Saturdays, this is the rematch. And my oh my, Nina Samuels draws the heel heat that Baron Corbin WISHES he could draw as the fans just mercilessly boo her so loudly I can barely hear her promo. I hear her say ‘makes a mockery of everything we stand for as women’s wrestlers’, which, you know, shut the fuck up Nina. This show rules.
Wrestling sequence to start…..eh, fuck this. They have a good match, even though I still don’t think much of Nina between the ropes. She works her ass off here, though, and the results are pretty decent. Late in the match, Nina goes for a chair, but it ends up bumping the ref and Ray hits the Gory bomb, so Kris runs into the ring and counts for two.
Kay Lee goes up, but Nina tosses the chair at her on the top rope and DDTs her off the top. Wolf with the reluctant count, but that only gets two before Ray kicks out. Nina is less than pleased and argues with Kris, allowing Kay Lee to Gory Bomb Nina for three. Kinda fucked up on the babyfaces part, but it’s Nina they’re doing it to, so everyone’s happy. YOUR WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION, KAY LEE RAY.
THOUGHTS: This was a wrestling match. Not sure why it was here. ***.
Post-match, Kay Lee calls for a mic and tells us that her scheduled opponent, Emi Sakura, won’t be able to face her at WrestleQueendom. She lays down the open challenge and who should accept but her best friend, Viper? Mutual respect and shit are shown and stuff. And so, that’s how we got our main event at WrestleQueendom.
Alright, back to our regularly scheduled insanity.
The voice of Dann brings us back to the show. “I’m not God, because I’m real!” He tells us that tonight has been emotional, and it’s time for the final act. He tells us that this match is going to be a Gauntlet match – Kris Wolf will face off against each of the wrestlers on the EVE roster in a gauntlet match of 2 minutes per match. Dan exhorts the crowd to make the building of 200 sound like a building of 20,000 and give Kris the sendoff she deserves.
Kris makes her way down and looks like she may burst into tears at any moment. Let’s bring this pathetic imitation of a Chris Fothergill-Brown review to a close.
Kris Wolf vs Laura Di Matteo
They go back and forth, Laura bites Kris’ fingers to escape a fishhook, and no one gets anywhere. Time-limit draw.
Kris Wolf vs Erin Angel
Erin tells Kris that she loves her very much and tells her that she got her a present – it’s a stick! They get into a tug of war over the stick and Kris rolls her up for three.
Kris Wolf vs Rhia O’Reilly
Rhia sings a song daring Kris to bite her on the ass, so Kris does, then rolls her up for the pin.
Charlie Morgan gets in the ring, but she’s still wearing the cast from the injury that would end her career. And now I’m sad. But I get over that quick, because Charlie says that while she can’t wrestle Kris, much as she would like to, she’s got herself a replacement.
Kris Wolf vs “Fearful” Jetta Morgan
Jetta has abs! Well, she wrote the word ‘abs’ on her midsection in magic marker, so that counts, damnit. The crowd is all over this, getting a Jetta, Jetta, Jetta Fucking Morgan chant going right away. Jetta tosses Kris and goes for a dive…..but no, she doesn’t. Another try…..nah. She goes for the wall walk next….nah. Another try…..nah. Wolf suplexes her and bites her on the ass for the tapout.
Charlie, Kris and Jetta hug it out after the grueling match.
Kris Wolf vs “The Psycho Dyke” Rebel Kinney
Wolf offers her the Pride flag and rolls her up for the pin.
Hugs after the match.
Kris Wolf vs Killer Kelly
Kelly doesn’t want to wrestle Kris because she loves her too much, but Wolf bites her fingers so it’s on. Kelly spanks her, but can’t hit the DVD because she loves her, so Wolf agrees and hits a Codebreaker to pin Kelly.
Kris Wolf vs Viper
Viper wants to pet Kris, but needs Wolf to ask her wife first. Kris’ wife seems fine with it, but Wolf bites Viper’s fingers anyway. Viper gets her pets in off a crossbody, but gets rolled up and Wolf doesn’t quite pin her in time before the draw.
Kris Wolf vs Kay Lee Ray
Chop battle is won by Wolf, but Ray sends her to the floor, tope by Kay Lee! Back to the apron, Wolf reverses a suplex attempt and DDTs Kay Lee on the apron. That gets two. Gory Bomb attempt by Kay Lee is countered into a Code Red by Wolf for the pin.
Post-match, Kay Lee says that if she’s still the champ someday and Kris can come back, she can have a title shot.
Kris Wolf vs Session Moth Martina
They smell each other’s butts, neither of them liking it that much. We get a waistlock reversal sequence, with Martina yelling “Wrestling!” both times, they grind against each other to break and Kris gets a roll up for the pin.
Kris Wolf vs Nina Samuels
Bell rings, Nina boots her and hits a GTS for the pin because SHE’S A FUCKING BITCH.
Crowd serenades Nina with a “Fuck you Nina!” chant as Samuels stalks out.
Kris Wolf vs Jinny
Jinny is still in her Jinny Havoc gear. Kris was kinda rocked by that GTS so Jinny asks if she would just like to listen to music, but Kris rolls her up for two. They dance around the ring, and I mean that literally, but Jinny was goldbricking her and attacks. Wolf fights back, but no one gets any traction and it’s a draw.
Kris Wolf vs Jamie Hayter
Jamie attacks Kris while Wolf is still drinking her water in the corner because Jamie Hayter is just that fucking awesome. How awesome? Crowd chants “We want ninja” so she gives them the ninja pose from earlier….while flipping them the double bird. She beats on Kris for awhile, but Kris makes the comeback and gets two off a bulldog, Jamie chokes her against the ropes to hold on for the draw.
Post-match, Jamie beats on Kris more and Jinny joins in to help. Charli Evans is the last competitor and she joins in the beatdown.
Kris Wolf vs Charli Evans
The three of them beat on Kris, Tito attempts to make the save and the ring gets cleared. 619 by Kris on Charli, but now Jinny and Jamie are back in and beating Kris down again. But then, the music hits and Kris’ former partner Act Yasukawa hits the ring to take out the heels. Kris hits a double neckbreaker on Jinny and Jamie and attempts to pin Hayter, but that isn’t gonna work. Down to Kris and Charli and they slug it out, but Tito german suplexes Evans from behind and a Meteora off the top from Wolf gets the pin.
THOUGHTS: This was so dumb. I loved it. Eleventy billion stars. Meltzer can kiss my ass.
Post-match, Kris asks for the roster to come down to the ring. Hugs all around. She thanks the roster for letting her ‘run around and be a dickhead with you guys’. Dann hits ringside and asks everyone to watch the screen, and we get a tribute video to Kris, with testimonials from wrestlers and highlights from her career in EVE.
Back to the ring and tears are blowing freely now as the roster piles onto Kris for a group hug. Dann doesn’t want to cut it because when he does, he knows it’s over. Regardless, it’s tradition – Dann tells her that he loves her, then signals for the ten bells to end the career of Kris Wolf.
The ten bells ring, the roster covers Kris in streamers as the music plays, and Kris brings her wife into the ring to say goodbye. And that’s it.
FINAL THOUGHTS: Just know what you’re getting into before you watch this show. That’s all I can really say on that front. I loved it. I love wrestling as comedy performance art as much as I love The Naked Gun as a film, in that absurdity done the correct way completely works, and this was absurdity done the correct way. It was a super, super fun show. The wrestling was mostly shit, but that was barely the point of what was going on out there.
And if this was any indication, I can’t WAIT to see what Charlie Morgan’s inevitable retirement show looks like.
Take care all, and watch some wrestling.
As always, thanks for reading this thing I wrote,
@MrSoze on Twitter