The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat–07.18.99

The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat – 07.18.99

Well, I’m down to the last couple of episodes, so we might as well just get through these in case they decide to torture me further by adding more of them.

And hey, should you want to document my torture, I’d like to remind you yet again that my entire archive is available in a real-time updated OneDrive form with everything I’ve ever written (or at least everything I’ve been able to reconstruct, minus notable missing stuff like Star Trek DVD reviews), which you can access by sending me $20 via PayPal to [email protected] and specifying the e-mail address you’d like me to send the link to. The support is always greatly appreciated, especially when it comes time for domain name renewals and such.

Taped from wherever RAW was taped that week.

Your hosts are Kevin Kelly & Michael Cole

The Undertaker joins us to start and Kevin Kelly feels like there’s no chance of Austin’s head wound healing in time for the PPV. Are you some kind of DOCTOR, Kevin Kelly? No? Then maybe keep your medical opinions to yourself. Anyway, Undertaker is dreaming of Austin’s bloody head wound covering his body with rotting flesh smell. Did he have Taco Bell before bed or something? Undertaker will taste Austin’s blood and I guess channel it to increase his powers from what I can gather. I’d have to wonder if Austin’s high blood alcohol level would affect the siphoning of his life force in some way. Pagan rituals aren’t an exact science, sadly. Next order of business: Kane is now on Undertaker’s team again. Well, duh.

Intercontinental title: Jeff Jarrett v. Road Dogg

JJ would like to emphasize he’s not a redneck from Texas, he’s a true champion. Is it better to be a redneck from Tennessee? Also, Jarrett calling out Austin is just setting himself up for disappointment. Jarrett actually interrupts Dogg’s intro by laying him out, and he grabs a sleeper. Road Dogg makes the comeback at 0:25 into the match and drops the shaky knees for two, but Debra distracts everyone and Dogg accidentally knocks out the ref. And then a second ref comes in and calls for the DQ at 1:30, at which point Chyna and the King of Asses run in and attack and X-Pac saves. Why did this match need a ref bump and then a second referee? Why not just have Jarrett hit the ref and get DQ’d?

D-Lo Brown v. Gangrel

D-Lo mentions Gangrel’s “punk card” in his pre-match promo, which makes two shows in a row now where someone has mentioned that phrase. Was that a thing in 1999? Were kids all “picking up punk cards” at the malls while they were playing Tony Hawk and stuff? What I can tell you was a thing in 1999 was The Matrix, and you know this because Mideon sits in on commentary and quotes Morpheus before that whole deal got turned into memes. And then Gangrel’s entrance gets muted, so now I’m curious what the commentators were talking about that needed to be excised. D-Lo chases Gangrel to the floor while Mideon goes on about Kelly and Cole being “slaves”, droning on in a manner of someone trapped in a cult. Which means it’s time for Choose Your Own Smart-Ass Punchline! Is he:

A) A Trump supporter

B) An AEW fan

Gangrel spits the mysterious viscous red liquid in D-Lo’s face and pins him at 2:41 after distraction from Mideon, but Edge makes the save. So at the PPV, Mideon defends the European title he found in a gym bag against D-Lo, who just lost here. Thrilling. Also, you’d think this sets up Edge v. Gangrel at the show, but NOPE, they went in a drastically different direction by the weekend.

The Countdown Continues!

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If I recall correctly, the clock was originally out by a few hours and they had to fix it, but I don’t feel like doing the math here. Math is hard. And so are booking finishes, apparently.

X-Pac v. Hardcore Holly

Apparently Shawn Michaels will be in Kansas City doing an appearance to promote this new show that starts soon, “WWF Smackdown”. Bob protests this match because X-Pac isn’t a super-heavyweight, but X-Pac attacks him anyway and hits the spinkick in the corner. Didn’t he hear the man? THE MATCH WASN’T GOING TO HAPPEN! So Holly dodges the broncobuster and grabs a chair for the DQ at 0:44. This brings out Kane for yet another chokeslam on Holly, and then Big Show comes out to confront Kane, but X-Pac attacks HIM with the chair, and then Undertaker interrupts and glares Kane back to the dressing room again, at which point Big Show chokeslams X-Pac and who even knows what the fuck is going on anymore. But some stuff happened, of that I can assure you. I seen it on my TV. Computer screen. Whatever.

Ken Shamrock joins us for an interview with Jerry Lawler, and he gives us his life story about some guy talking shit about him at the local bar, so he throws on his sweats and goes to the parking lot, where there’s an IRON CIRCLE of cars waiting and only one man walks out. I presume the other man drives out? What with all the cars and all. Also, where the fuck is Shamrock LIVING where this shit is going on? But regardless, Steve Blackman will discover how it works at Fully Loaded. That’s good, I’m also curious about the details here.

Meanwhile, Vince does a press conference to announce Jesse Ventura for Summerslam as referee for the WWF title match. “But which two superstars will compete for the title there?” Cole wonders. The answer to that question literally changed 1792 times between Fully Loaded and Summerslam.

The Acolytes v. Droz & Prince Albert

Droz has downgraded from dresses to fishnet stockings this week, and then I think they just forgot about the whole thing right away and moved onto something else. The Hardy Boyz wander out right away as Faarooq overpowers Albert, but gets slammed. The Acolytes double-team Albert and Bradshaw beats on him in the corner, but now Val and Godfather come out while Droz gets double-teamed. This was all seemingly setting up some kind of three-way tag team feud that never went anywhere, of course. So everyone brawls at ringside and Droz pins Faarooq with help from Albert in the melee at 3:10, as the ref was way out of position and took forever to get to the finish. Yup, another top contender doing a job before winning the title. And what did that lead to for Droz and Albert? Big fat zero.

HHH v. Big Show

This match is brought to you by Centipede, on something called “The Hasbro Interactive Game Console”. The FUCK? Are they referring to the Game.Com or something, I wonder? Anyway, we’ve got about two minutes left here so hopefully they just skip to the DQ right away so we can wrap this shit up. HHH slugs away to start but Show tosses him and they fight outside, where Chyna sends Show into the post. HHH grabs a chair and indeed, Kane and Undertaker run in for the DQ at 2:30 and beat on Big Show to end the show.

Next week: It’s the pre-game for Fully Loaded with a famous HHH interview, and we’re DONE with this show!