The SmarK Rant for WWF Monday Night RAW – 07.12.99
Live from Louisville, KY, drawing a sellout of 15,000.
Your hosts are JR & King
Steve Austin joins us to start and he’s got the contract ready for Vince to sign, but Vince comes out in a wheelchair due to a motorcycle accident that supposedly occurred on July 4. Of course Vince takes FOREVER wheeling his way out there to really milk it, and then demands that Austin sign it first because he’s not trustworthy. But Austin won’t sign unless Vince returns the Smoking Skull belt. So he offers Vince a choice: They can do things the easy way, or the hard way. Nice little callback from Austin. So Austin tells Vince to get a flunky to deliver his belt, OR ELSE. Kane’s music hits and Austin positions Vince’s chair to shield himself, but then Undertaker attacks from behind and lays Steve out with the Skull belt to bust him open again. This allows Vince to pull out a fountain pen, which Undertaker supposedly fills with Austin’s blood so that Vince can sign the contract. Ehhhh, the whole “signing the contract in blood” thing was an idea that probably sounded better on paper.
Edge v. Gangrel
So last night on Heat, Gangrel turned on Edge, and as far as I remember, this was the blowoff one night later. Edge slugs away in the corner and baseball slides him into the railing. Back in, Edge goes up with a missile dropkick attempt, but Gangrel blocks it with a powerbomb and comes back with a corner clothesline. Gangrel with the VAMPIRE MARTIAL ARTS and a bulldog gets two. Edge tries a crossbody and Gangrel rolls through for two and hits a DDT for two. Gangrel hits the chinlock as the crowd is dead and the match is boring. Gangrel goes up and can barely manage to stand on the top before Edge dropkicks him down into a neckbreaker. Edge gets a sloppy DDT and follows with a spear, but Gangrel decides to walk out. So they fight over to the entrance, where Gangrel shoves Edge into his burning hole and the match just ends at 5:42 for a Sportz Entertainment Finish. And then no one ever checks on him or mentions it again! He could still be down there under the ramp for all we know! *
Meanwhile, X-Pac and Road Dogg tar and feather Howard Finkel for stooging them out to the cops last week. So then they come out and literally have nothing to say, just blathering about bullshit until Kane interrupts. X-Pac gives him an ultimatum and tells him to choose between Undertaker and himself. That’s pretty unfair, actually. Chyna and the Ass King run out and attack, but Kane fights them off and then Undertaker saves and chases them off. Oh, and he won’t make Kane choose, because he’s family. This whole thing was a mess.
WWF tag team titles: The Hardy Boyz v. Val Venis & Godfather
MEDICAL UPDATE: The doctor has finally stopped Steve Austin’s bleeding. It’s been THIRTY MINUTES! Is he a hemophiliac? The Hardyz double-team Val in the corner to start, but he comes back with corner clotheslines on Jeff. Over to Godfather for the Ho Train on Matt and the Pimp Drop on Jeff into the Money Shot, but Michael Hayes runs in for the DQ at 1:30. ½* They could not make the Hardyz look any weaker here.
Meanwhile, HHH challenges the remnants of D-X to a match tonight, if they can pull Kane’s nose out of Undertaker’s ass. That burn from the Rock must have hit close to home for him.
Meanwhile, Tori is apparently in a perfume commercial and no one told us. That was weird.
Jeff Jarrett joins us, demanding that if he doesn’t get respect, Debra’s puppies will no longer be seen. So then Steve Austin interrupts and beats the shit out of him, then throws out a challenge to Undertaker. But then Big Show interrupts his interruption, and he points out that Kane is just gonna interfere, so maybe they should team up? But then Austin goes to leave and Jarrett resumes his promo, so Austin hits him with another stunner to shut him up again. Austin beating up Jarrett is fun but this Austin/Taker/Kane/Show stuff is just all over the map.
Billy Gunn & Chyna & HHH v. Road Dogg & X-Pac & Kane
Kane no-shows after the music and pyro and everything, so we go 3-on-2, but The Rock decides to even things up.
Billy Gunn & Chyna & HHH v. Road Dogg & X-Pac & The Rock
Rock slugs away on HHH, but runs into a knee. He comes back and tries Rock Bottom on Billy, but Chyna goes low and the heels go to work outside. Did you know that Gunn is “Brad Pitt with an attitude”? Who could possibly say that on national TV with a straight face? Gunn misses a blind charge on Rock, but HHH attacks Rock from behind to cut off the comeback and works him over in the corner. HHH with the sleeper, but Rock escapes with the samoan drop and makes the hot tag to Road Dogg. He punches everyone to make the comeback and X-Pac comes in with the broncobuster on Gunn to set up the X-Factor, but HHH saves. So Rock hits Gunn with the People’s Elbow and pins him at 6:35. The burial of Gunn is almost hilarious at this point but the match was decent enough. **1/2
Evening Gown match: Droz v. Al Snow
Snow is still looking for opponents, so he decides to accept Droz’s challenge as long as it’s Hardcore rules. Droz lays him out with some plunder outside and sets up a table in the ring, but Snow throws powder at him and gives him a titty twister while JR buries the match on commentary already. Back in the ring, Snow uses salad tongs on Droz’s junk and pulls off the dress to win at 1:47. This could have been a funny idea but it was rushed with no buildup and went nowhere. And then Albert steals Head and puts a spike through it. ¼* Well, 99 has gotta get better for Al, right?
Meanwhile, Mark Henry has HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE and thus is unable to wrestle tonight. Amazingly, this was actually going somewhere.
The Acolytes come out for the their match with D-Lo and Mizark, but since that’s not happening, they decide to leave again and go fight someone in the back instead. So Hardcore Holly comes out, apparently with their punk cards, and decides to fight them alone. That doesn’t go well for him, to say the least. Finally Big Show comes out and helps him, carrying him to the back, where Holly claims that he had the Acolytes beaten.
Meanwhile, GTV catches Stephanie telling Joey Abs to get lost because their one date didn’t go very well.
Gauntlet match: Test v. The Mean Street Posse
First up, Test faces Pete Gas and throws him around at ringside before putting him away with the flying elbow at 0:35. Next, Rodney comes out and gets powerbombed and booted, and another powerbomb finishes at 1:47. This leaves Joey Abs, who gets a neckbreaker and slugs away in the corner. And then Shane runs in for the DQ (?) at 3:00. Test beats him up, but the silent but deadly Steve Blackman comes out and attacks Test, and then Shamrock saves and goes after him, and then the Posse does a beatdown on Test, but now Stephanie runs out to save and Shane accidentally knocks her out. “That’s not a part of this”, JR says in his solemn Owen voice while Shane carries her out. When JR starts the match by declaring that two of the participants aren’t trained wrestlers, you should know what you’re getting into. DUD
The countdown is finally on! Man, in my head they started this sooner, but according to the Observer, Jericho’s last date was 7/21, so they couldn’t exactly start promoting him yet.
Undertaker & Kane v. Steve Austin & Big Show
Everyone brawls to start, with Austin arriving late as usual while wearing what appears to be a maxi-pad on his head. Austin and Taker fight up to the entrance and down into the staging area, but Austin tries a piledriver on the concrete and gets backdropped. Hey, can someone maybe check under the ramp and see if Edge is OK…? Never mind, they’re both busy. Austin chokes him Taker out with a cable as they fight down the ramp again and into the ring, while Show and Kane fight at ringside. Austin and Taker brawl by the tables while Show chokeslams Kane in the ring, and Austin stomps a mudhole on Taker but Kane walks out and returns with a metal club. He nails Austin with it and gets two, but Show saves and powerslams Kane, while Taker chokes out Austin with his own shirt on the floor. Back in, Austin comes back with a nutshot on Kane and stomps a mudhole on him, but Taker breaks it up and busts Austin open for the second time tonight. But then Austin hits KICK WHAM STUNNER on Kane out of nowhere and pins him at 9:39. This was a fun Attitude Era Brawl™ and we even get Extra Attitude on this one, as Show and Austin do the beer drinking celebration. *** Kudos to Austin for being manly enough to poor alcohol on his open cut.
A weak show leading to a weak PPV, but the main event was good.
But seriously…can someone please check on Edge already?