The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat–07.11.99

The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat – 07.11.99

Only 3 episodes left on the Network, but I’ve been waiting for this one for a while.

The opening video package recaps the life story of Kane for some reason. Good luck making sense of THAT one. Anyway, this is supposed to make us REALLY excited to see a Kane v. Big Show match, apparently.

LIVE from Indianapolis, IN

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Kevin Kelly

Big Show joins us for an interview to start, and he’s ANGRY. Angry about Kane and Undertaker reuniting because NO FAIR. But NEWSFLASH: That’s not gonna happen! He’s beating up Kane tonight and Undertaker tomorrow night! Hmm, perhaps we should keep Big Show away from the promo segments for a while.

Meanwhile, The Brood is all back together and whatever differences Vince Russo invented for last week are gone. Hey kids, remember when Edge was trying to get “Beware, take care, the freaks come out at night” over as a catchphrase? You know it’s gotta be lame when you can’t the crowd to singalong with a rhyming couplet in 1999.

The Brood v. Big Bossman, Viscera & Mideon

The announcers would like to stress again that whatever issues were contrived for the Brood have now been resolved, proactively and thoroughly. Never happier together, in fact. Christian gets double-teamed by the Ministry and Viscera legdrops him, but Mideon misses an elbow and Edge comes in with a spear. E&C team up to dropkick Vis out of the ring, but Christian follows and gets run into the post, at which point Gangrel turns on Edge with the DDT behind the ref’s back, and Bossman gets the pin at 2:05. THIS IS THE MOST SHOCKING THING I’VE EVER SEEN. The fact that the announcers told us several times that their situation was resolved should have meant they were fine!

During the break, Gangrel slips off into the night, as now Michael Cole brings up the rumors from earlier that Gangrel was jealous of his friends. WHY DIDN’T WE HAVE THIS INFORMATION EARLIER ON? It might have reduced the shock of the turn somewhat!

Al Snow joins us, after getting left off the booking sheets yet again, and he offers a bunch of midgets a Hardcore title match. Why is Max Mini unmasked here?

Hardcore title: Al Snow v. Assorted Mexican Midgets

Yes, this is a match. Just accept it. Al chases them around with a cookie sheet, but El Torito finds a fire extinguisher and Battalion gets two. Al gets his own fire extinguisher, but the little guys all jump off a stepladder with dives and then attack him with salad tongs. And then Al just chases them to the back for the Sportz Entertainment Finish at 2:58. I haven’t been doing star ratings for these shows but this was negative stars ALL THE WAY.

The Rock is here to hopefully save the show after that last segment, and his theory is that HHH has his nose up Vince’s ass, which explains why he’s #1 contender. Over to Billy Gunn, who was praying to God after winning King of the Ring, it seems. Apparently he won the tournament, but everyone still thinks he absolutely sucks. So God himself said “Bob…” and for the first time ever, IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS. That one took off astonishingly fast. Rock play-acting a conversation between Billy Gunn and God truly should have tipped us off about his future career potential, and this was an all-time legendary promo that we’re still talking about 20 years later. But why wasn’t it on RAW?

Meanwhile, Billy Gunn tries to give his rebuttal but he’s literally trying to follow the Rock conversing with God. Also, Chyna denies spraypainting her own car, and in fact reveals that it wasn’t her car at all. Man, it’s like M. Night Shyamalan booking this show with all these twists.

WWF tag titles: The Hardy Boyz v. Droz & Albert

Droz’s pre-match promo is pretty funny, as Albert chides him for wearing a dress again and Droz quips “It’s not a dress, it’s a SKIRT!” The Hardyz quickly double-team Droz and Jeff gets the swanton and it’s immediately BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA. Droz gets dumped and Godfather runs out for the DQ at 0:50 and beats him up. Not that it mattered in the long run, but starting them out with a DQ loss in under a minute is not a great title reign.

Meanwhile, at Shea Stadium, Steve Austin throws out the first pitch.

And now, let’s recap the Test-Stephanie romance thus far. Apparently it’s a modern day version of Romeo & Juliet. YEAH OKAY ALL RIGHT THEN.

Test v. Billy Gunn

Yes, this is the epic debut of Test’s new theme music, which adds the “BIDDY WHOMP BOMP BIDDY WIDDY WHOMP BOMP” that turned him from B-level midcarder into lifelong main eventer. Question: Why wasn’t Test (or a reasonable facsimile) featured in “The Dirt”? He was apparently pretty important to the success of the band based on how often they mention his bodyguard role. Mean Street Posse immediately runs in for the DQ and Rock saves and kicks the shit out of Billy, and then Ken Shamrock comes down and murders the Posse single-handedly. THE UNION LIVES! They are RE-UNION-ITED! TOOT TOOT!

No Holds Barred: Kane v. Bradshaw

Hardcore Holly names himself special timekeeper for this. Holy shit, they’re actually PAYING OFF the tombstone angle from last week? It’s like Vince Russo built a time machine and decided to go back to 1999 and do something coherent to spite me. They fight in the aisle to start and Bradshaw beats on him with forearms in the ring, and spears Kane to the floor. Kelly: “Bradshaw knows one speed, and that is FULL OUT!” OK, first, that’s not a speed. Second, no. Just no. They fight on the floor and Kane whips him into the stairs, but gets backdropped into the crowd. Bradshaw decides to go after Holly, who is innocently acting as timekeeper, and smashes Kane in the back with a chair a few times. Back in the ring, Holly grabs the chair and calmly waits for Bradshaw to get in position, then nails him with it. Chokeslam finishes for Kane at 3:10. This was fun and Bradshaw getting hit in the face with a chair is always a nice bonus to any match. But then Holly lays the badmouth on Bradshaw and Kane chokeslams him as well, but then Big Show heads out and knocks Kane out with a wrench to end the show. The phrase “Let it breathe” is literally not in Russo’s vocabulary.

Tomorrow on RAW: It’s the beginning of the end of an era! Gosh, that sounds so enticingly stupid that I CAN’T miss it!