The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars–12.05.92

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 12.05.92

Time to say goodbye to Superstars! Hopefully it’s just “see you later” and not “so long”.

Taped from Terre Haute, IN

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Bobby Heenan. Bobby is still ranting about how Perfect “blackened his heart” and how he’s got plans to destroy him as a result. Poor Bobby.

High Energy v. Barry Horowitz & WT Jones

Bobby notes that WT stands for “wasting time”. He looks like a fatter version of Bad News Brown, really. Maybe he was SD’s long lost cousin? Owen works on Barry’s arm, but gets chopped into the corner before coming back with a hiptoss. Over to WT, and Koko rides him on the mat for two. He could just suffocate him with his puffy pants. Owen with a backbreaker and they finish with the Koko missile dropkick into Owen rollup at 2:29.

Yokozuna v. Mark Morgan

Yokozuna flings the jobber around with a chokeslam and a slam, which sets up the Hulkbuster legdrop and a backdrop driver. Corner splash and Banzai Drop end it at 2:15. Still working out the kinks but they were almost there with him.

Event Center! With Sean Mooney!

Crush has nothing in particular going on, but he’s from Hawaii, brah! Have you HEARD his accent? Speaking of great accents, Razor Ramon comes from the gutter with no education, but now his name is in lights and here’s Mr. Perfect to get all up in his machismo, chico. People are gonna get carved up. Sean deadpans that he wouldn’t want to see Razor’s turkey on Thanksgiving.

Max Moon v. Brian Costello

Speaking of turkeys, the Max Moon experiment continues sucking unabated! The Moon name is fitting because this gimmick is cratering. Max gets a senton while the unnamed clown hangs out in the crowd again, and even investigative journalist Bobby Heenan has no info on him. Bonus: We get an inset promo from Max Moon, and he’s going to launch people into orbit! HE’S FROM SPACE, GET IT? Max with a gourdbuster and leg lariat while the clown sprays silly string on people, and Max finishes with a bodypress at 2:35. Ironic that Moon is supposed to be from space, but most of his moves rely on the principles of force caused by gravity. BLEW YA MIND DIDN’T I?

UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE! BROUGHT TO YOU BY ROYAL RUMBLE ON SEGA GENESIS!

Gene is in an empty arena. Or is it just a Seth Rollins title defense? No, wait, he apologized on Twitter, I guess I can stop taking cheapshots now. Anyway, Gene discusses how Bret Hart is the hardest working champion in WWF history. WITH A TEAR IN HIS EYE. However, one guy who does not agree is Ric Flair, and Gene sat down for dinner with him recently to discuss this strange dissenting opinion that is clearly wrong. Regardless, Saskatoon is a nothing happening city in a nothing happening country, but he’ll be WWF champion again soon. I choose to believe that deep down Flair doesn’t really hate Saskatoon and he’s just being a heel.

Kamala v. Buck Zumhofe

Kamala beats Zumhofe down and rubs his ass in Buck’s face in the corner for a big gasp from the crowd. Man, Buck is lucky if that’s the worst thing getting rubbed in his face in whatever prison he’s rotting in these days. Man, they missed a major opportunity for giving me material by not matching up Zumhofe with Nailz. Big splash finishes at 2:00.

Meanwhile, Reverend Slick is TESTIFYING. Well, you usually find Jesus in the last place you were looking for him.

Hacksaw Duggan v. Dale Wolfe

Bobby feeds Vince a straight line about Duggan’s amateur wrestling credentials and then hits the punchline with “Wait, he went to school?!” Always a pro. The mysterious clown does some pantomime at ringside while Duggan slams Wolfe and finishes with the three point stance at 1:35.

Nailz is the special guest of Mean Gene this week, as he announces that he’s buying Buck Zumhofe in exchange for a pack of smokes and a honey bun. OK, I think that’s out of my system. Anyway, Nailz claims that he was actually innocent of all crimes (said while wearing his PRISON JUMPSUIT) and this is somehow the fault of Undertaker, who has never been in a prison yard fight or been put in solitary or been beaten by six prison guards at a time. Sure, but he’s been married a few times so that’s close, right? UP HERE! HIGH FIVE! Anyway, he’ll be Undertaker’s executioner. Wasn’t that Terry Gordy? Anyway, this was Nailz’ final TV appearance in the WWF, as he left after doing a job to the Big Bossman at a house show on December 13 and then a job to Vince McMahon in court.

Tatanka v. Louie Spicoli

Tatanka gets some slams and armdrags while Vince runs down the tenets of ICOPRO like a true snake oil salesman and hits Spicoli with chops. Flying chop from the top and the Wig Wam Bomb finish at 2:15.

Event Center! With Sean Mooney!

We get promo time from Damian Demento so we’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel here. Plus the Nasty Boys yell about some stuff.

Shawn Michaels v. John Paul

To show how slowly stuff moved at this point, we’re a month removed from Shawn winning the title but this is the still the same taping where he won it! Paul gets some token offense but Shawn clotheslines him off the top as this crowd is just completely burned out and dead silent after what must have felt like 7 hours, with people visibly leaving during the match as the arena has been mostly blacked out at this point. Or as we call it these days, a PPV. Superkick and teardrop suplex finish at 2:00.

And we finish with a montage of Mr. Perfect being perfect, which is funny because it works great either as a heel or a babyface.

Next week: Marty Jannetty, Undertaker and Bam Bam Bigelow! Plus the main event of the Royal Rumble is announced!

Well, hopefully they add the next batch of shows next month. I know these are available elsewhere, but my interest is in seeing how they’re presented on the Network and reviewing that, not YouTube uploads or whatever else. Thanks for reading, and we will continue on whenever the Network picks up the thread again!