The SmarK Rant for WWF Monday Night RAW–07.05.99

The SmarK Rant for WWF Monday Night RAW – 07.05.99

Might as well carry on with this era for a bit.

Taped from Fayetteville, NC, drawing 8220 for a sellout.

Your hosts are Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler

Steve Austin joins us to celebrate his WWF title win last week, and he actually points out that the last time he was in a First Blood match, it was Undertaker who cost him the title against Kane! That’s some impressive continuity for a Russo show. So Vince McMahon comes out and he’s convinced that the promotion isn’t big enough for the both of them, so Vince is willing to basically leave the WWF if Austin wins, in exchange for Austin agreeing to never challenge for the WWF Title again if Austin loses. It’s THE END OF AN ERA. Yeah, as if either of those stipulations would be believably upheld. Vince was not only back, but WWF champion, by September!

Meanwhile, the Rock arrives late as usual. Michael Cole comes in for an interview, so Rock puts a t-shirt over his face and then does his promo. Oh, and Billy Gunn is nothing to him.

WWF tag team titles: The Acolytes v. The Hardy Boyz

The doctor won’t medically clear Bradshaw after taking a tombstone on Heat, so he punches him out and goes down to the ring anyway. That’s called “The Bill Watts Method” of concussion recovery. The Hardyz attack on the floor and that goes pretty badly for them, but they recover and double-team Faarooq with a double flying splash for two. Faarooq comes back with a spinebuster on Matt and Bradshaw comes in for some clubbering in the corner, but he misses a blind charge. Matt goes up with a missile dropkick and Faarooq saves, allowing the Acolytes some double-teaming on Jeff. Jeff comes back with a DDT on Faarooq for two. Bradshaw tries a powerbomb, but Matt kicks him in the head from the apron to stun him. Bradshaw with the Clothesline from Hell as he shrugs that off, and it gets two, but Jeff hits him with Michael Hayes’ cane and Matt finishes with a tornado DDT to win the tag titles at 4:24. Obviously that didn’t last long and this wasn’t a real push. Not much to the match, but kudos for giving the Heat angle an actual payoff. **

Meanwhile, the Hardyz are giving their victory speech, but get interrupted by GTV, which features Albert and Droz changing into their ho outfits and Droz enjoying it.

Gangrel v. The Godfather

So in the “hilarious” payoff for the Droz & Albert angle from Heat, they are forced to come out in dresses, as Godfather insinuates that they enjoy having sex with men all night long. Also of note, Godfather has the entire opening spiel down now, but doesn’t let the audience sing along yet. Gangrel attacks Godfather after standing around for all the gaga, and gets a leg lariat for two. Given the stories that Gangrel has told about the weird shit Luna was into, this is probably all normal for him anyway. Gangrel misses an elbow and Godfather drops the leg for the pin at 1:18. And then Droz and Albert immediately turn on their pimp and attack Val, but Edge and Christian make the save and pull Gangrel away from his part in the beatdown. DISSENTION! DUD

Meanwhile, Test and Stephanie continue their…uh…hot romance.

Test v. Joey Abs

Joey charges in and walks into a big boot, but comes back with a suplex. Test hits him with the gutwrench powerbomb and clotheslines him out of the corner, but Joey gets a backdrop suplex and slugs away on the mat. Test chokeslams him, but Shane has apparently kidnapped Stephanie and that allows the Posse to run in for the DQ at 1:50. And then we get the Posse beatdown while Steph is forced to watch, and Test is friendless so no one saves. What the hell happened to the Union? They had a theme song and everything!

Meanwhile, Chyna is freaking out at the police because someone has vandalized her car with DX graffiti, and she saw Road Dogg and X-Pac doing it!

Hardcore title: Al Snow v. D-Lo Brown

Impressively, this also follows from Heat the night before. They immediately brawl into the crowd as Jim Ross accuses Chyna of lying about seeing the vandalism. I’m shocked and appalled. Anyway, these guys fight to the concession and spray cold beverages at each other, then slug it out up the escalator and Snow takes a bump down the slide in the middle. That was cute. D-Lo chokes him out with a pay phone cord (What the fuck is a “pay phone”?) but Snow chokes him with a handy chain pull and puts him on a banquet table for a frog splash off another table. But then Mideon hits D-Lo with a cinder block, and Snow uses a scissor lift to go up in the air for a flying splash through a table to retain at 5:12. This was a fun little Hardcore match. **1/2

Meanwhile, the fuzz are looking for D-X, and of course the Fink stooges them out.

Road Dogg v. Val Venis

Val controls with a neckbreaker for two and gets a butterfly suplex for two. Dogg comes back and slugs away, but now the cops have X-Pac cuffed and they interrupt the match to arrest Road Dogg as well. DON’T CONSENT TO ANY SEARCHES, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! So the match just kind of ends at 2:00 with a first for Russo, the “One guy gets arrested” finish.

Intercontinental title: Jeff Jarrett v. Chaz

Why the fuck does Chaz warrant a title match already? He hasn’t even beaten the champion in a non-title match! Chaz stomps away in the corner to start and gets a corner splash into a clothesline, but he goes up and misses a flying elbow. He recovers with a powerslam for two and follows with a dropkick, but Debra distracts him and we get a catfight at ringside while Jarrett hits the Stroke to retain at 1:46. Jarrett goes to smash the guitar on him, but Thrasher runs out of the audience to make the save. I seriously don’t remember that AT ALL. Match was whatever. *

Edge v. Big Bossman

JR is all “YOU’D THINK IT WAS A ROCKSTAR ENTERING THE RING!” for Edge’s entrance, so I guess they were wanting to restart his push again at this point. Was he even supposed to be a babyface at that point? I seriously don’t even know. Bossman overpowers him to start, but Edge gets a leg lariat to put Bossman on the apron, and then he gets a missile dropkick for two back in the ring. Bossman drops him on the top rope, however, and gets a splash for two. Edge rolls him up for two, and gets a weak-ass spear for the pin at 2:25. That was like Goldberg AFTER the concussion. If they were trying to get Edge over as a big deal, this wasn’t the match to accomplish it. ½* And then Bossman handcuffs him to the ropes and lays in a beating, but Christian makes the save and then gets beat up as well. JR is all “WHERE THE HELL IS GANGREL?” Where is Gangrel to save two people from an attack by a single person?

Meanwhile, Chyna wants the DX guys prosecuted, and HHH wants to be the WWF champion no matter what he has to do. And so it begins.

Unintentional hilarity: They recap Billy Gunn’s antics last week, sponsored by Starburst. Their tagline here? “Give it some juice!” I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments.

Billy Gunn v. Meat

Gunn beats on Meat in the corner, but he comes back with something resembling an F5 for two. Gunn cuts him off with a jackhammer and finishes with the fameasser at 1:35. Well, now he’s fully ready for the Rock! Meat’s women all go to yell at Billy, so Chyna lays out Jackie and they spraypaint Meat and Jackie with the D-X logo. This is all the evidence JR needs that they were themselves behind the vandalism of the car. Where’s the Netflix documentary for X-Pac and Road Dogg? Justice for D-X!

Big Show & Hardcore Holly v. Kane

Even the announcers aren’t 100% clear on if this is a handicap match. Kane gets a dropkick on Show, but Show powerslams him and brings Holly in and he slugs away on Kane and gets the dropkick. And then Undertaker wanders down and both Show and Holly stand there like idiots watching him, allowing Kane to chokeslam Bob for the pin at 2:24. This was lousy. ¼* This sets up another beatdown with Kane and Undertaker on Big Show, ending with Taker giving him a chairshot to the head that draws blood. TV-14! This whole dynamic certainly went into a drastically different direction after the PPV.

Cage match: HHH v. The Rock

I believe this was the debut of “My Time” with lyrics, unless he was using it at King of the Ring. This is escape-only rules, no pinfalls. Rock slugs him down to start and they exchange assorted punches and kicks for the first few minutes until HHH gets the high knee. He goes for the door, but Rock blocks him and crawls for it himself, only to have Chyna take out the ref and slam the door on his head. She pulls HHH out at 7:17, but the ref is unconscious so I guess it doesn’t count. So the Rock follows him out of the cage and they brawl up the ramp, freely fighting outside of the cage here in this match where the first person out of the cage wins, and Rock slingshots him into the cage from the floor. Chyna at this point realizes that perhaps knocking the referee out wasn’t the smartest play. Rock brings Hunter back in to apparently restart the match as the ref finally wakes up, and Rock gets a samoan drop and climbs to the top. HHH pulls him down, so Rock gets the DDT and goes up with a double axehandle. HHH comes back with a facebreaker on the knee and sends him into the cage. Hunter climbs out, but Rock grabs him by the hair, his beautiful beautiful hair, and they slug it out on top of the cage. Chyna gives Hunter a chair and we get a sick unprotected shot from that, but Rock shoves him down onto the top rope, and they race for the exits with Rock hitting the floor first to win at 14:00. And then Billy Gunn runs down and gives Rock the fameasser on the floor and they do the Evil D-X beatdown on him to end the show. Match was mostly gaga and a bunch of Chyna bullshit, but it was mostly fine. **1/2

Not a terrible show this week, but mostly non-notable with the usual range of stuff that didn’t lead anywhere.