The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat–07.04.99

The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat – 07.04.99

So last week on RAW, Steve Austin regained the WWF title from Undertaker in the highest rated segment in history. I think people like this Austin guy.

Taped from wherever the Tuesday RAW was taped.

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Kevin Kelly

X-Pac & Kane v. The Hardy Boyz

X-Pac works a headlock on Matt but gets double-teamed in the corner. Jeff comes in with a backflip out of the corner, but X-Pac puts him down with a spinkick to set up the broncobuster, which Matt breaks up. Jeff gets a missile dropkick and the Hardyz hit their double elbow for two, and Jeff gets the swanton. They dump Kane out of the ring and then try the Whisper in the Wind on him, but Kane chokeslams Jeff and X-Pac finishes Matt with the X-Factor at 2:55. And then the Acolytes come out and destroy the Hardyz ahead of their title defense against them later in the taping. And then Kane saves and tombstones Bradshaw on the steel steps, which is normally a death spot but it’s Vince Russo so it’s TO THE BACK like nothing happened.

So yeah, after the Hardy Boyz did a clean job here, they won the tag team titles on RAW the next night. In a sane booking scenario this might have set something up, but not here.

Meanwhile, the Rock is GETTING CHEFY WITH IT for Beef Ravioli. At least it’s plausible that Mick Foley would be eating Chef Boyardee products, but there’s zero chance of Dwayne ever putting that into his body.

Undertaker joins us and he’s all pissy about losing the title on RAW, so it’s no longer about ratings, it’s about RETRIBUTION. So Taker now wants blood, because he enjoyed the taste of Austin’s blood last week, and he wants a rematch at Fully Loaded in a First Blood match. More stips would be piled on later, of course.

European title: Mideon v. Al Snow

I love the logic here, as the announcers are like “We don’t actually know how Mideon is the champion, but I guess he is.” So we get a promo from earlier in the night where southern hick Mideon explains about the gods giving him scraps from the table or something. Apparently Vince Russo is a staunch supporter of the “finders keepers” rule of title acquisition. Couldn’t he have at least pinned someone with a rollup at a wedding? Snow hits Mideon with a dive before the bell, but Mideon takes over in the ring with a suplex for two. Snow comes back, but D-Lo runs in for the DQ at 2:10. This feels like it’s going nowhere I want to see.

Last week, Test and Stephanie have some…uh…hot make-out action on GTV. It’s hilarious that we’re in the raunchiest period in wrestling history and these two are exchanging chaste kisses like brother and sister as a part of their big love story.

Intercontinental title: Jeff Jarrett v. Test

The announcers note that it’s “ironic” that Test is getting a title shot 6 days after suffering a concussion at the hands of the Posse.

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Test quickly gets the gutwrench powerbomb for two, and a sideslam for two. Jarrett bails off that and decides to walk out of the match. But then he changes his mind and sends Test into the post, because Test is a moron who is easily fooled, and that gets two in the ring. Test makes a comeback, but then heads out and attacks Joey Abs and gets DQ’d or counted out or whatever at 2:05, I don’t care.

Hardcore Holly is here with an open challenge, but you have to be at least 6’6” and 400 pounds, because otherwise you’re just wasting his time. This brings out Viscera, and Bob is like “OK, let’s do this.”

Hardcore Holly v. Viscera

Bob quickly gets mauled in the corner and splashed, and Vis clotheslines him and follows with the samoan drop. Big fat splash misses, however, and Holly grabs a chair and beats on him for the Sportz Entertainment Finish at 1:15. At least I assume it was it was a finish, no bell ever rang and Holly just stops wrestling and cuts a promo on Kane. So Kane answers and chokeslams him, but Big Show comes out as well and then Undertaker comes out to back up Kane and Holly quietly disappears.

You know what? Hardcore Holly as the Giant Killer was a pretty awesome character who would have gotten over as a big deal if they kept going with it, because he was a big mouth who BACKED HIS TALK UP and there was no shortage of giant freaks for him to fight. But then they just veered off into the comedy team with Crash instead and killed it off as any kind of serious threat.

Big Show confirms that he’s no rocket scientist, but he can use a calculator to add 1 plus 1 and get 2. I mean…if you have to use a calculator for that, you’re still pretty dumb. Just saying.

The Godfather & Val Venis v. Droz & Prince Albert

This is actually the blowoff for this feud, as the heels have to be Godfather’s hoes if they lose, and Val Venis has to be pierced by the heels if he loses. Val slugs away on Albert to start, but walks into a sideslam and Droz comes in with an elbow for two. Godfather and Val double-team Droz with a slam into a legdrop and Godfather beats on Droz in the corner, but walks into a clothesline out of the corner. Albert tries to hit Godfather with the briefcase, but hits Droz by mistake and the Pimp Drop finishes at 2:24, so the heels have to act as prostitutes on RAW. That opens up a lot more disturbing questions, actually. What does “being a ho” entail, exactly? Just walking down to the ring in drag, or do they have to turn tricks? Is Godfather going to try to convince some drunk john that Albert is a woman?

Road Dogg v. Big Show

Dogg quickly gets bearhugged but bites free, then walks into a powerslam. You don’t see that one from Show very much, actually. Show misses an elbow and Kane comes out for the DQ at 2:00. But then X-Pac comes out and tries to stop Kane and Show from fighting. I agree, it’s a horrible matchup whenever they’re together. They should let X-Pac book the show. It would probably be more coherent, even when he’s fucked up. And then Undertaker comes out and stares everyone down as we’re out of time.

Well, we got one clean-ish finish, at least. So that’s something, I guess. And nearly 12 minutes of wrestling! Always look on the bright side, that’s me.