The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat–06.27.99

The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat – 06.27.99

Live from Greensboro, NC

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Kevin Kelly

So this is the pre-show for King of the Ring 99, one of the all-time stinkers of the Attitude Era. Twenty years ago to the day!

The Corporate Ministry joins us to start, and Vince assures us that there’s no cracks in the foundation of their group. But Bossman disappointed the team, so tonight he faces “tough love” and has to face Mideon & Viscera in a handicap match. Wait, why punish us, too? Also, after tonight, Austin will be fetching coffee for the McMahons and “licking their boots”. So…he’s gonna be Mel Philips? Talk about a fate worse than death. Shawn Michaels interrupts and points out that Vince said “he could fight all night” so TONIGHT, IN THIS VERY RING, he’ll have a warmup match against Ken Shamrock. They argue about who is screwing who, but if Vince doesn’t comply, he’ll forfeit the main event right now. So Shawn offers a chance to replace Vince with “a suitable replacement”, so Vince offers various members of the Ministry and Shawn shoots them down until Vince is left with Shane as his only choice. You know it’s Vince Russo booking when they do a bait-and-switch before the segment announcing the match is even over! Also, this was a LARGE chunk of the show to set up a match that will likely run 30 seconds.

Meanwhile, Vince is mystified how Shane keeps getting himself into these damn situations. Ha! Vince is a national treasure.

The Hardy Boyz v. The Brood

Edge and Jeff trade armbars to start and Edge gets a gourdbuster and running spear in the corner. Christian comes in with an elbow in the corner for two and then the Acolytes randomly run in for the DQ at 1:30. Bradshaw cuts a promo on Billy Gunn, who has apparently stolen half of the tag team titles for reasons that I don’t believe were ever made clear.

Meanwhile, Shane is still rightly freaking out about this Shamrock match.

Last week: Big Bossman blows it against Steve Austin and gets kicked out of the Ministry.

Big Bossman v. Mideon & Viscera

This is the point where Mideon has found the European title in Shane’s bag and started wearing it, thus making him the champion under Russo Rules. Vis slugs away on Bossman in the corner, but Mideon comes in and Bossman gives him the sliding punch. Vis tries to save and splashes his own partner, setting up the Bossman Slam on Vis for two. That was pretty impressive. And then Mideon hits Bossman with his Euro title and pins him at 1:50. They go for the beatdown, but D-Lo and Mizark save and I guess Bossman is a babyface now? That can’t have lasted long.

Road Dogg is out for an interview with Jerry Lawler and he’s going to give Chyna 3:00 and then stop being a gentleman when they have their match.

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No, shut up. Also, 3:00 was a damn Iron Man match at this point. Anyway, HHH and Chyna storm in for the attack, but X-Pac saves.

Prince Albert v. Val Venis

This is a street fight and they start during the break and fight into the ring right away, with Val slugging away in the corner and hitting his corner clotheslines, and he goes up to finish, but Droz runs out and pushes him off and Albert gets the pin at 1:15. That was quite the street fight. And then Godfather saves Val from another forced piercing as Supply & Demand have their epic reunion and then I’m pretty sure it’s forgotten right away and never mentioned again.

Ken Shamrock v. Shane McMahon

Shane sucker punches Shamrock and then runs away, and Shamrock just gets annoyed and gives him the heel kick. This brings out Steve Blackman for the DQ at 0:44. OK, I was way off on my time estimate, as this actually run 50% longer than I gave it credit for! Man, if only Shane matches were 45 seconds long today. He’d probably still be blown up, of course. Blackman destroys Shamrock with the kendo stick and wouldn’t you know, Shamrock has INTERNAL BLEEDING. I’ve never known anyone more happy to bite down on condoms of fake blood than Shamrock was.

The Rock joins us for the hard sell of his title match with Undertaker at the PPV and we’ve got NO TIME so Rock blows through his usual stuff and Taker pops up on the screen for a pre-taped rebuttal and he ignites Rock’s Brahma Bull and we’re out.

I have no idea how this was supposed to make me want to see the King of the Ring PPV, and it sure didn’t.