The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 10.24.92
Taped from Winnipeg, MB. Jesus, are we STILL in these tapings?
Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Mr. Perfect
Mean Gene welcomes the Ultimate Maniacs for another cold open interview this week, probably because they didn’t want to admit to taping 3 weeks of TV in frozen Western Canada. Savage clarifies what the difference between them guys and us guys is: We is survivors! And then he reads poetry about “bulldogging the Mississippi” or something, showing that he should probably leave it to his brother. I should also point out that ultimate Tumblr BFFS Warrior and Savage now have matching sunglasses, one that says “Ultimate” and the other that says “Maniacs”, like the magnetic heart necklaces you get at Claire’s. Warrior cuts an insane coked out promo about whatever the fuck he’s talking about, probably Flair and Ramon losing I guess, and then they dance around the stage triumphantly, like they got a really sick burn on their opponents and can’t resist high-fiving each other. These promos are crossing the line between wrestling show and Tim & Eric sketch.
Crush v. Ken Johnson
Crush gets a press slam with a bunch of reps and drops a leg on Johnson, and we get an inset promo from Crush, who has nothing going on and hypes the main event of Survivor Series instead. He makes sure to work in a volcano reference because he’s from HAWAII, BRUH! SHAKA! And then Vince and Perfect are both like “What the hell was he was saying?” Tilt a whirl backbreaker and head vice finish at 2:10. This was another good squash for him, a big improvement over his plodding squashes to start out earlier in the year.
The Natural Disasters v. Tom Stone & Bill Jordan
Oddly there’s no timeline on this episode, so I have to wait for Vince to give the second jobber’s name so I can figure out who he is. Quake dropkicks Jordan and Typhoon does his goofy test of strength spot with Stone and follows with a corner clothesline. And then they trap the jobbers in the corner and Quake comes in for the double avalanche, before the butt splash finishes at 3:11. They completely killed off the Disasters with this title reign and their smiling comedy squashes.
BREAKING NEWS: Next week the Disasters will defend the tag team titles against “The #1 contenders”, although it’s not made clear who that might be.
Event Center! Jim Duggan wants everyone to vote. OK then.
Nailz v. unnamed jobber
Nailz immediately tosses the guy and cuts another promo on Big Bossman with the awful fake pitch-shifting effect, but this time we take a break and Undertaker answers instead. So then Sgt. Slaughter sends Bill Alfonso out there and orders him to make Nailz leave so the show can continue. Hey, Slaughter, maybe go do some shit YOURSELF if you’re supposed to be the law & order? So really, he’s middle management. You know who wouldn’t put up with this shit? Bill Watts. He’d tell them to go thrown down if they want to get all puffed out with each other. Instead of wussy Slaughter, who is all “OH NO, TWO WRESTLERS MIGHT HAVE AN UNSCHEDULED MATCH!” Regardless, Nailz does leave for no adequately explored reason, and the match can start.
Undertaker v. Jason Helten
Chokeslam and tombstone finish at 0:30. OK then.
Event Center! The Bushwhackers advocate for kids going to school and drinking milk. OK then.
BREAKING NEWS PART TWO! The Nasty Boys have been designated the #1 contenders and will get a title shot at the Disasters next week on Superstars. This kind of stuff is very telling for the state of the promotion in general at this point, what with Vince obviously having his mind on many other things, because it was a whole story arc they spent weeks on and it ultimately led to nothing in particular and in fact killed off the Nasty Boys.
Rick Martel v. Butch Banks
The jobber name sounds more like a porn star name. Martel’s new thing is modeling clothes because he’s got nothing else going on, like many other people on these shows, and this week he wears a raincoat and hat to the ring as his ensemble. He works the leg and does some jumping jacks, then finishes with the Boston crab at 2:28.
SURVIVOR SERIES UPDATE! With Mean Gene! SPONSORED BY COLISEUM VIDEO!
Superstars and SUPER MATCHES! But is coming live from Saudi Arabia at 2pm on a Friday afternoon with Shane McMahon in a featured match? Anyway, Flair cuts quite the promo here, much better than the Maniacs and their rambling ode to uppers. Anyway, just announced: British Bulldog defends the IC title against the Mountie! Also, Bret Hart defends the WWF title against Shawn Michaels! This is a weirdly random card with matches that have nothing to do with anything going on.
Papa Shango v. Victor Reed
For some reason the jobbers aren’t getting any graphics this week, which is pretty damn annoying for people who recap these stupid shows for a living. Shango drops elbows and finishes with the shoulderbreaker at 1:33. I feel like a submission hold or sleeper would have been a much better finish for the character, like the mandible claw or something along those lines. Much like everyone else, Papa Shango has no particular direction or target.
Event Center! Skinner has got a weird look going on, because he’s shaved his beard down to stubble and he’s basically looking like Steve Keirn with a funny hat instead of whatever Florida monster he was supposed to be.
Next week: The Natural Disasters defend the title against the Nasty Boys! Also, the debut of some kind of sumo wrestler character. Yokohama I think? Another dumb gimmick who they’ll forget about after two weeks, I’m sure.
BREAKING NEWS #3! Jimmy Hart actually cuts in after the rundown of the matches to announce that, no, it’s actually Money Inc. getting the title shot.
The show was such a mess at this point. And it’s about to get much messier.