The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat–06.13.99

The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat – 06.13.99

For those who think RAW is terrible now, this one is the followup to the HIGHER POWER episode of RAW. So as a reminder, Vince unmasked as the mastermind all along, and Steve Austin was made into the new CEO of the company by Linda and they’re just BLOWING past that whole thing and moving on, baby.

Taped from wherever.

Your hosts are Kevin Kelly & Michael Cole

The Hardy Boyz & Michael Hayes v. Edge & Christian & Gangrel

This is an elimination match to finally pay off the bloodbaths from last month’s Heat shows. Jeff immediately pins Gangrel with a northern lights at 0:28 and the Hardyz double-team Edge, but Edge spears Jeff to block the Poetry in Motion and chases everyone out of the ring. He chases Matt to the floor and takes a DDT on the floor as a result, and Jeff pins Edge at 1:30. So Christian is left alone in this grueling marathon and he fights back with a gutbuster on Jeff for two. The obnoxious heat machine is making the Hardyz into heels and the Brood into babyfaces here, which is not at all how I remember things. Christian DDTs Hayes for the pin at 2:30, but Jeff hits a swanton for two. Christian with the Unprettier on Jeff at 3:20, leaving us one-on-one, but in a historic debut, Too Much wanders down dressed like gangstas and slam Matt off the apron behind the ref’s back, and the Unprettier finishes at 4:21 for the come from behind victory. So yeah, tons of stuff packed into this one, as Too Much gets repackaged (complete with a vintage Sears stereo system in place of a boombox) and Harvey Wippleman is apparently a referee at this point. Not much of a ref judging by how Too Much beat on Matt outside the ring forever behind his back.

Meanwhile, D-Lo complains about Mark Henry’s fashion sense and Chyna is gonna kick people tonight, but not in the ass!

The Acolytes v. Mark Henry & D-Lo Brown

Oh man, this match is sponsored by the “online music store” CDnow.com. As if anyone would buy music online! What a stupid business model. The Acolytes destroy D-Lo while the ref argues with Mark Henry, hitting a double spinebuster on him, but D-Lo comes back with a neckbreaker on Bradshaw and Henry slugs away on him. Bradshaw gets a big boot, but Henry powerslams him for two and it’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA as Henry clotheslines Bradshaw, but the Ministry waddles down for the DQ at 2:34. Oh yeah, this was leading to the D-Lo & Mark storyline where D-Lo put him on a diet and Mark turned on him at Summerslam as a result. Sorry, spoiler.

Meanwhile, Test went on a date with Stephanie last night and shares all the details with Jerry Lawler with all the passion of a David Flair promo. They’re just gonna be friends, Kingfish.

Jeff Jarrett joins us for an interview with JR, and he wants to stress that Debra is HIS property and prime real estate. This brings out Test, defender of women’s rights everywhere, who doesn’t want to walk on anyone’s grass but wants to mow Jarrett down tonight. TWENTY NINE WRITERS. Oh wait, not in 1999, sorry.

Meanwhile, Too Much are all urban now, so now they’re Grandmaster Sexay and Scotty 2 Hotty, TOO COOL. Out of curiosity, I wonder if this was done as a rib on the outgoing Public Enemy? Because they’re pretty clearly influenced by that team here. Sadly, this was taped just before Christopher ripped up his knee and had to miss a bunch of time.

Hardcore Holly & Big Show v. X-Pac & Kane

Big Show has things well in hand against X-Pac, but Holly tags himself in and lips off to Show, so Show gives him Jesus H. Chokeslam and X-Pac pins him at 2:00. Can these people fighting in the upcoming tournament co-exist in these meaningless tag matches? STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT!

Val Venis v. THE RUDE CRUDE AND TATTOOED Droz

Droz pounds away and hits a back elbow, but misses a blind charge and Val comes back with a spinebuster. Albert takes the ref and Droz lays out Val from behind and goes up for a missed splash, before Val finishes with his own at 1:35. And then the heels attack Val and forcibly pierce his nose. Is this what we’ve come to for heat angles here? PIERCING HIS NOSE? This looked super fake and was an obvious gimmicked nose ring that you’d get in one of the obnoxious tween mall stores that my daughter drags me into for what feels like hours. Why do kids need fuzzy iPhone covers, anyway?

Intercontinental title: Jeff Jarrett v. Test

We continue moving at a million miles an hour, as they trade near-falls within the first minute and Test boots him down and the ref is bumped. Jeff hits the Stroke and Shamrock runs in and lays out JJ, putting Test on top to apparently win the title at 2:14. That didn’t happen, did it? Nope, of course not, as another ref comes down for the Dusty Finish and Wippleman reverses his decision after Debra whispers something in his ear. That went nowhere.

Alleged main event: Road Dogg & Ken Shamrock v. Billy Gunn & Chyna

They somehow manage to pull together a video package tying Ken Shamrock’s feud with Jeff Jarrett into Vince McMahon’s heel turn. There’s some Olympic-level gymnastics involved in that one. Shamrock immediately runs after Jeff Jarrett to leave Road Dogg alone, and Chyna goes low to cut off his comeback. Fameasser is reversed into a slam, however, and Dogg gets the win at 1:30. “Road Dogg has found the counter to the fameasser!” declares Kevin Kelly. Um, how about just standing up straight? X-Pac runs out to save Dogg but HHH joins in the beatdown and then Kane saves his useless partner before chokeslamming Chyna to end the show. SO MUCH STUFF IS HAPPENING! MICHAEL COLE IS YELLING! IF WE CAN’T WRITE STORYLINES THAT MAKE SENSE WE CAN JUST CONFUSE OUR AUDIENCE INSTEAD!

Anyway, this was the usual Phil Spector wall of bullshit, but everything had mostly clean finishes or at least, you know, finishes, period. So there’s that. And Val had his nose forcibly pierced, so you don’t see that every day. And Baron Corbin did not win a #1 contender match for a shot at the Universal title on a show being paid for by the Saudi Arabian royal family, so it’s just positives all around by comparison.