The SmarK Rant for Mid-South Wrestling–02.02.85

The SmarK Rant for Mid-South Wrestling – 02.02.85

Taped from Shreveport, LA

Your hosts are Boyd Pierce & Bill Watts

So Cowboy talks up the exciting new fad of BREAKDANCING, which is apparently how all the big stars are working out now. We get a music video which somehow ties into Butch Reed lifting weights while generic funky music plays and assorted dorks dance in the gym. Lord, this is GLORIOUS. Granted in 1985 I got a copy of Breakdance: The Album for my birthday so I’m hardly one to criticize. Herbie Hancock, baby! Anyway, must see 80s cheesetastic nonsense here.

The Rock N Roll Express v. The GOLDEN TERROR & Terry Ellis

The Cowboy is astonished that two youngsters like Ricky & Robert could ever be tag team champions, but here we are! Yeah, a youngster like Gibson who was born looking 48. The RNR double-teams the Terror, and then bring in Ellis and finish him off with a double dropkick at 1:22 as the girls in the audience are LOSING THEIR FUCKING MINDS. I wonder if this “girls coming to the show and screaming for the pretty boys” was such a new concept to Watts that he just didn’t know how to cash in on it like Crockett eventually did?

Ted Dibiase is here, and he’s clad in a tuxedo and classy as all fuck. So he brings his own hype video, which he notes is set to “Reputation” but sure isn’t set to that on the Network. And it’s the best kind of hype video, the MONTAGE, complete with awesome transitions likes fades and checkerboard wipes. Of course we get prominent footage of him punching out JYD with the black glove in particular, but LOOK AT THIS TUX:

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Now there’s a man with some class. Not like that scrub Jim Duggan. Dibiase wants an objective fashion contest to determine the best dressed man in the territory, so Duggan has two weeks to pull his tux out of mothballs, even if even owns one, that “orangutan looking hippie”. So Duggan and Terry Taylor come out to answer these charges in advance of their tag match against Buddy Landel & Steve Williams, and Duggan steals Dibiase’s cane and knocks out Buddy Landel with it. Thus robbing us of our advertised tag team match! I’m 100% voting for Dibiase in two weeks when they have this fashion showdown. Duggan just lost my vote for that total lack of sportsmanship. Plus he probably has mustard stains on his cummerbund or something.

But because it’s Bill Watts, the tag team match marches on, as Steve Williams has to find a replacement for Budro and he has ONE MINUTE to do so. It’s Buddy’s own damn fault he got knocked out, you see. But luckily Dibiase has just enough time to get his tuxedo put away…

Hacksaw Duggan & Terry Taylor v. Steve Williams & Ted Dibiase

That works. The babyfaces double-team Dibiase and he bumps around for them, as Terry gets a monkey flip out of the corner and then Duggan kills him with a clothesline and Dibiase goes flying off that. Doc hits Taylor with a clothesline from the apron, however, and the heels take over. Doc with a lariat for two and Dibiase puts him down with an elbow for two. We hit the chinlock and Dibiase cranks on it, but Taylor fights back with a rollup for two. Dibiase and Williams switch off with double-teams in the corner, but Taylor cradles Dibiase for two again. Doc comes in with a bearhug to block a bodypress attempt, but Taylor makes the hot tag to Hacksaw. Duggan goes NUTS and beats on both guys at the same time in an awesome visual, but Buddy comes out and pulls Duggan out of the ring in revenge for earlier and beats on him outside. Dibaise, meanwhile, loads up the ISOTONER OF DEATH and puts Duggan’s lights out with it, then slugs it out with Taylor in the ring until Williams trips up the Rooster. Dibiase uses the loaded glove on his fistdrop and goes to the deadly figure-four, but Duggan breaks it up and beats on Williams again, and then Buddy runs in to take over for Dibiase again. The ref is like “Sure, why not?” and lets it go, and Duggan spears and pins Buddy at 7:12. This match was the most awesomely crazy damn thing I’ve seen all week with the exception of the Money in the Bank match and you should WATCH IT.

Sheik Hercules Hernandez v. Richard Dye

Watts immediately starts busting on the pasty white guy dad bod on the jobber, noting that he should hit the gym before coming to Mid-South to challenge Hercules. Herc drops him on the top rope and puts him away with cinemascope sleeper at 1:00.

Iceman Parsons v. Kamala

Akbar is ak-barred from ringside for this one, although Friday is still authorized for ringside. Kamala attacks in the corner and throws chops, but Iceman hits him with the BUTT BUTT (no, really, real thing) until Kamala takes him down with the BREAST EXAM OF DOOM. Kamala chops him down while Watts recaps the war between Parsons and Akbar, which is basically that Parsons followed Akbar from Dallas because he wanted to finish the fight they started there. Parsons escapes the various purple nurples and makes a comeback with a dropkick for two, but the ref gets bumped on the kickout and Friday sends Parsons into the ringpost, setting up Kamala to finish with the big splash at 3:05. And Friday unmasks as Hercules, thus showing Akbar is still a devious fucker even when barred from ringside. A nice touch is that Watts immediately calls out “Friday” for being too big, even though he looks basically the same unless you’re really paying attention. Watts was just never going to risk insulting the intelligence of his viewers.

Hector & Chavo Guerero v. Tim Horner & Jason Walker

ALAMO BUSTERS! Chavo takes Horner down with a headlock, but Tim escapes from that and goes to an armbar. Over to Walker and the Guerreros immediately handle him as Hector starts throwing moves at him at a million miles an hour. Chavo with a monkey flip and this dumb bastard barely knows how to bump for it. Hector with a twisting splash and he puts the kid away with a bridging german at 2:30. The Guerreros were ridiculously ahead of their time and deserved a much bigger stage.

Jake Roberts v. Shawn Michaels

WHOA. Why has this not popped up on any DVDs or Network collections before? Or at least any that I’ve seen. Michaels takes him down with a couple of armdrags and works the arm. Jake blocks a rollup, but Shawn waits until Jake inevitably points at his own head and then does a second rollup for two. Jake gets annoyed now and takes Shawn down with a facelock, but it gets reversed to a hammerlock. Jake calmly escapes with a jawbreaker and drops knees on him and goes to a gutbuster. Watts notes that if we’re enjoying the show on TV, we should buy a ticket for the live show because it’s EVEN BETTER and you can see them close up and experience the crowd atmosphere. See, is that so hard? I was instantly like “Man, I wish I could buy a ticket and see them live!” When has WWE even acknowledged a house show on TV lately? Finally, Jake has had enough of this punk and hits a goddamn vicious short clothesline and then spikes him with the DDT to finish at 3:57. You can 100% tell Watts is wanting to push Michaels by his commentary at this point.

Meanwhile, the Dirty White Boys are showing up in two weeks.

Jake Roberts heads over to the desk to complain that Hector Guerrero is getting a TV title shot next week, when he was a TEXAS TV CHAMPION and just beat this Shawn Michaels punk in record time. Watts is like “Oh well, take it up with our matchmaker Grizzly Smith” and brushes him off, and we’re out. I wonder if that was a little wink-wink moment there for us in the know?

What an episode! Dibiase in a tuxedo and that tag team match!