ECW on Sci-Fi 04/21/2009 #150

It’s the first ECW on Sci-Fi since the Supplement Draft and the intro has already been updated with the unwanted toys like Hurricane, Ezekiel Jackson and Kozlov. Main event is the Backlash Contract Signing as Christian won the Elimination Chase on Superstars last week.

We’re in London and we start with Finlay and the just-drafted Hornswoggle for a send-off. Horny tells us he “AYAYAYAYAWANNAWRESTLE”. Tyson Kidd & Natalya interrupt before Nash Finlay clarifies that Horny is a leprechaun but Kidd is a midget. It takes Natalya all of two seconds to mention that relative of hers that wrestled Tom Magee until Hornswoggle starts eating her arse to set up a match.

Hornswoggle vs. Natalya

Natalya keeps on raising her hands for the test of strength so Hornswoggle bites her arse again to land a spear and a Tremor Stomp for two. Kidd attempts to distract so Finlay twats him off the apron and in the confusion, Hornswoggle schoolboys her for the win.

Winner: Hornswoggle (It was what it was, saying goodbye to Horny and hello to a Finlay vs. Kidd feud. The arse-biting was at Dan Schneider-levels of “someone backstage is really enjoying this.”)

Natalya and Kidd go bother Tiffany (somehow still GM) and demand Horny be fired. Well he’s on Raw now so:

Tiffany sets up a mixed tag match for Superstars this week which would be a politically stressful situation if anyone actually bothered to claim Superstars as their brand until it turned into WWE Bir Tawil by week four.

RAW REBOUND: Triple vs. Randy Orton in a No DQ Wrestlemania Rematch, ending with everyone involved in the six-man match at Backlash running in and Orton getting a RKO-powered pin after Batista accidentally speared Shane. Weird to think those four guys would wrestle ten years later at Wrestlemania.

Evan Bourne vs. Paul Burchill

“The WWE universe is in for a treat!” as Burchill makes his way to a dulled response from his home country. Bourne gets his quick offence in until Paul’s sister/bit on the side distracts Evan. They make a dog’s dinner of a tilt-a-whirl but luckily for them the crowd didn’t care to begin with. Burchill starts stretching Evan as the fake crowd noise suddenly does a run-in. If you’re going to use it, you’ve gotta be consistent or you make the crowd sound like they’re popping for a rear-naked choke. Draft-dodger gets a nice release overhead suplex but repeatedly goes for chinlocks to make this review even more exciting. Bourne flies into a uranage, Samoa Joe style but Burchill puts him on his shoulders to set up a reverse Frankensteiner (!) to end the match after a Shooting Star Press.

Winner: Evan Bourne (Paul was willing to take a mean bump but when 3/4 of your offence is chinlock variants you can only go so far without people checking to see if you’re a shaved Mike Knox. Bourne was his usual rubber self.)

Kozlov vs. Frankie Sloan

Oh my God, legendary Liverpool Lad Frankie Sloan! Even being cruelly announced as hailing from London by Justin Roberts doesn’t stop the pop. Kozlov speaks foreign to remind us only Americans can be trusted as the crowd chants for EN-GUR-LUND. Kozlov gets his head-butts and Iron Curtain to end it quickly.

Winner: Kozlov (Frankie Sloan is still going at the age of 49 and can do more stood still than most guys can do off the top rope. And he was nice to me one time.)

Main Event ECW Title Contract Signing

Tiffany is hosting so get the caffeine ready. Christian signs without saying anything so Swagger asks where his insult is. He gets nothing so he also signs as the crowd assault him with WHO ARE YAAAAA. Swagger starts blasting Christian for being arrogant enough to think he could walk to the front of the line after being gone for so long when there’s guys like Swagger running around who are better than him. Christian finally answers and says he could make fun of the suit Jack wore to his high school prom, his haircut or his speech impediment but what does it mean if he can’t beat him…so he’ll just have to make Swagger the biggest, fastest ex-ECW Champion in history. Swagger launches the belt at him and we end the show with a Swagger Bomb through the table.

As far as contract signings go, this was pretty good as Christian treated Swagger seriously instead of ripping on his lisp.

Christian vs. Jack Swagger (ECW Title)

Ah what the hell, my hangover is depleting so let’s watch the match itself from the excellent Backlash 2009 PPV. Cole, Lawler and J.R. are commentating for some reason but they know the plot (Swagger bad, Christian good). Swagger tries to take Christian down but he knows his game so he avoids the grapples and uses his high-flying to keep him away. Swagger takes offence to that so he casually press slams him over the turnbuckle to the outside. Swagger wastes no time bringing him back in to start the mat-wrestlefest. Swagger locks in a waist-lock and repeatedly suplexes Christian with Lawler comparing him to an Alligator’s death-grip which is pretty good for 2009 Lawler. Christian tries his rope-assisted back kick but Swagger blocks it and dumps him like a Beef plant worker in Bellator. Swagger bear-hugs Christian but keeps it interesting by turning it into a pin attempt before deadlifting Christian into a rib-breaker. Christian escapes the hug and nails the rope-assisted back kick but Swagger ignores it and gets the Kitchen Sink move from No Mercy 64 before missing a Vader Bomb. Christian revs up the comeback machine and gets a two from a fakeout Sunset Flip. Christian blocks the Swagger Bomb so Jack sets him up top for something but Christian gets a big-arse Tornado DDT for a two. Jack shrugs it off immediately and after some back-and-forth, Swagger attempts to German Suplex Christian off the apron and SURPRISE it doesn’t happen. Christian goes up top but Swagger drops him off in a spot you don’t see often.

Jack follows that with a top rope Vader Bomb but it only gets two. Jack starts shouting at Christian and starts the Oklahoma Stampede but after the turnbuckle slam, Christian converts it into a roll-up. Swagger ignores the kick-out and simply continues the Stampede for a two in a cool spot. Swagger removes the turnbuckle pad (that’s how he beat Matt Hardy for the title) but Christian removes his own turnbuckle pad so while the ref is adjusting Swagger’s, Jack runs right into the other unprotected pad to donk himself right into the Killswitch to give us a new champ.

Winner and new ECW Champion: Christian (Lovely match here with both men learning from their previous matches, Swagger showing he did indeed have the speed and strength advantage but Christian won with experience (and being around during the Attitude Era). Swagger finishing the Stampede is one of the best spots he ever did and the only negative was Ross being silent during a match involving an Oklahoma guy mat wrestling. He must have thought he was dreaming and didn’t want to say anything.)

Overall: ECW on Sci-Fi was weird but the match like the rest of the PPV was well worth a watch and it was almost as impressive as Kozlov’s training video.