The SmarK Rant for Mid-South Wrestling–01.26.85

The SmarK Rant for Mid-South Wrestling – 01.26.85

This one has a “most complete form possible” disclaimer, so maybe they had to edit out a racist tirade from Cowboy Bill or something. I hope not.

Also, the 01.19 show is conspicuously missing from the Network, which featured Ted Dibiase winning the North American title from Brad Armstrong, although that match is available under the Dibiase collection under the wrong date. But clearly they have the episode and for whatever reason just haven’t put it up here. Anyway, here’s the match review I did…

North American title: Brad Armstrong v. Ted Dibiase (01.17.85)

Moving ahead a year, from the Mid-South TV show, and the North American title is FUCKING HUGE at this point. Did they melt down a damn pickup truck to make that thing? Dibiase quickly pounds away with elbows, but Brad sends him to the floor and Dibiase gets some advice from Akbar. That advice? “I hear Saudi Arabia is a good long-term investment.” Hey, maybe THAT’S where Dibiase got his millions from! Back in, Armstrong works a headlock and Dibiase is unable to disengage him while Watts runs down the card for next week. Sounds like a hell of a show, actually. Hopefully they complete the collection on the Network someday. Armstrong snaps off a backslide and goes back to the headlock, but Dibiase rolls him over and grabs the tights for what appears to be a pin, but the ref sees the cheating and won’t allow it. So Dibiase escapes with a backdrop suplex as Watts plays up the high-tech camera work that takes you right inside the ring. I bet he stole that technology from Verne Gagne and the Team Challenge Series! If I see any slow-mo replays with Greg Gagne explaining a bodyslam, I’m filing a lawsuit on Verne’s behalf. Dibiase chokes away on the ropes and goes to the chinlock, but Brad fires up again and backpacks Dibiase into the corner to escape. Dibiase misses an elbow and Brad fires away and gets the sleeper, but Dibiase runs him into the post to break and wraps the knee around it. Watts is HORRIFIED at this flagrant abuse of the rules and Brad is selling like crazy as Dibiase drops elbows on the knee to set up the figure-four, and Brad has no choice but to give up at 9:16 to make Dibiase the NEW North American champion. Hell of a match here.

Taped from Shreveport, LA

Your hosts are Jim Ross & Ted Dibiase, bringing some CLASS to the show.

Last week, the Rock N Roll Express faced the Guerreros in what looks like a super hot match, ending with Ricky rolling up Hector, only for Chavo to hit him with a roll of coins and pin him to win the tag titles. But then the decision was overturned due to two referees, leading to the Guerreros cutting a promo about how the Mexicans warned the soldiers at the Alamo to get out of there, and they didn’t listen! So now they’re bringing the lawyers in. MEXICAN LAWYERS. Goddammit we missed a hot show!

Shawn Michaels & Pvt. Terry Daniels v. Chavo & Hector Guerrero

Chavo takes Daniels down and steps on his face to start, and Hector comes in with a suplex for two. Chavo with a double stomp, but Daniels runs away like a coward and tags in rookie Michaels. What a marine. The Guerreros double-team Shawn, but he comes back with an abdominal stretch on Chavo. But then Daniels comes in like a moron and the ref escorts him out while Chavo hits a gut wrench suplex on Shawn to finish at 2:20. No wonder Slaughter drummed Daniels out of his cobra corps.

Brad Armstrong v. Jim Rose

Brad grabs a facelock and takes Rose over as Dibiase buries the entire Armstrong family on commentary. “Well, he’s a gutless coward, just like the entire Armstrong family, and he needs to quit crying and move on.” Tremendous! Brad quickly finishes with a powerslam at 1:00.

Mid-South TV title: Terry Taylor v. Buddy Landell

Taylor’s been living under the tanning lights, apparently. I know Watts was obsessed with finding a new black superstar, but I don’t think that’s what he had in mind. Taylor works the arm and gets a backslide for two, but Buddy slugs him right in the leathery face to escape. Terry keeps coming with a slam and elbow for two, however. Buddy takes him down and works the arm while JR gets Dibiase to expound on the importance of building momentum.

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Indeed, Taylor makes the comeback and slugs away, then finishes with a dropkick and the flying forearm at 5:25 to retain his medal. “Wasn’t very scientific” scoffs Dibiase, ever the heel.

Sheik Hercules Hernandez v. Iceman Parsons

Iceman works a headlock and chops Herc down, then gives him the FLAILING PUNCHES for two. It’s just science that waving your arms like a Bayley inflatable gimmick makes it hurt that much more. Herc drops him on the top rope and uses the dreaded skinamarinky dinky doo sleeper, but Iceman breaks free and hits the lariat for the pin at 2:45. Herc beats on him with Akbar’s riding crop and Dibiase cheers him on, telling him to “beat him like a step child”. Not even a redheaded one?

Jake Roberts v. Tim Horner

This is a rematch from last week’s lost episode, where they had a time limit draw. Dammit, I missed a Tim Horner time limit draw, too? Jake works a headlock and Horner takes him down with a legsweep for two and gets his own headlock. Jake slithers back to the corner to take a break, but Tim grabs another headlock while Dibiase buries the departed JYD on commentary, calling him a stupid musclehead with nothing going on upstairs. Bet we knew where THAT came from. Jake puts Horner down with a knee crusher to escape the headlock and then clips the knee repeatedly, dedicating the vicious moves to Dibiase at ringside. Ted approves! Jakes goes to work on the leg while Dibiase explains that money is the only important thing in life. You don’t say? Horner fights back and hits the legsweep for two, but Jake gets to the ropes by virtue of long-leggedness. Horner makes another comeback, but the knee buckles and Jake smirks and just hits him with the DDT at 5:55.

Steve Williams v. Sammy Hall

Hall tries using his speed and he walks into a MAMMOTH belly to belly suplex as a result. Doc picks him up at two and hits a three point stance tackle before finishing with the Oklahoma Stampede at 1:10 instead. Consider that geek SQUASHED.

Meanwhile, we journey back to the Houston Coliseum for our feature match, which actually was taped on 12.27.84…

Kamala v. Billy (Jack) Haynes

Billy was in the transitional phase between Billy Jack and Billy Haynes, apparently due to his father dying. In reality, the people behind the movie Billy Jack threatened him with a lawsuit. Kamala works Billy over with the dread PURPLE NURPLE OF DOOM and that goes on for a while, as Bill Watts explains the native guile and savagery of Kamala, in case we don’t understand the delicate science of African heritage. So this match is seriously Kamala giving Haynes an in-ring mammogram for more than 5:00. If you haven’t found that fucking lump by now, it’s never going to happen! Kamala squeezes and squeezes and squeezes until one pec is probably a size smaller, but Haynes comes back with a slam. And then Akbar trips him up and the big fat splash finishes at 7:49. OK then.

Dibiase’s dry delivery on commentary is a goddamn gem and there was some great stuff this week.