The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars–09.12.92

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 09.12.92

BREAKING NEWS: Ric Flair has REGAINED the WWF title from Randy Savage, using Plan B (aka Razor Ramon kicking him in the knee) and the figure-four to secure the belt. A match I’ve never actually seen, fun fact. But how was that slow count from Hebner even remotely fair? He took 10 seconds between each count!

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & A very happy Mr. Perfect. He’s so partied out that he’s barely got a Woo left in him!

Razor Ramon v. Gary Jackson

And yes, it’s the amazing debut of SOMETHING HAPPEN TO THIS GOLD to kick off the show. Ramon stomps this geek down and runs him into the turnbuckle while in piledriver position before beating him down again. Backdrop suplex and Razor’s Edge finish at 2:35. Vince declares it a CHEAP VICTORY, just like Flair beating Savage. But was it lazy?

UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND!

Gene is still in Hershey, PA, in the empty arena after Savage lost the title to Flair. Dude, people are probably waiting to break down the ring and move onto the next C-show! Maybe think about someone other than yourself. So earlier in that taping, Savage was doing an interview and Razor interrupted him, letting us know that Randy is decidedly not oozing machismo and needed a lesson taught to him. This prompts Savage to attack Razor, and disrespecting the machismo of the Bad Guy like that isn’t gonna stand, I’d bet. And then Savage defended the title against Flair and we get clips of that, leading to Razor coming out and beating on Savage’s knee until Flair is able to put him in the figure-four and Savage passes out and gets pinned. And then Razor beats on him again and cuts a promo from backstage, comparing Randy to the DIRT under his fingernails. And we know Scott Hall has been in some nasty places!

The Natural Disasters v. Doug Sommers & Joe Turner

Man, hard times for the Pretty Boy. Quake throws Turner around and follows with a dropkick as Perfect has miraculously found a few more Woos! Thank god. Typhoon squashes Turner in the corner and they do the double avalanche, leading to the butt splash and Shockmaster splash to finish at 2:25. This smiling happy babyface version of the Disasters is just not doing it for me.

Event Center! With Sean Mooney!

Money Inc. does a subtle bit where they ask Jimmy who the #1 contenders to the titles are, and Jimmy gives a vague answer to continue the Nasty Boy slow burn storyline. Meanwhile, Tito Santana wants COMPETITION. Even Bret Hart! He just doesn’t give a shit!

Papa Shango v. Justin Taylor

The jobber has the name and look of a grown up child star who hit the skids and got into wrestling to recoup some money. The mullet and cowboy boots look is a weird clash of 80s and 90s fashions, though. Shango lays him out and puts him down with a clothesline, and then drops an elbow for two but picks him up. Shoulderbreaker finishes at 2:15.

Event Center!

Crush suddenly changes his accent, in MID-PROMO, admitting that he’s from Hawaii and adds “Shaka” and “Brah” a bunch of times so he can keep it real. What a weird deal. He just literally changed his character!

Big Bossman v. Iron Mike Sharpe

Vince credits Bossman’s adoption of ICOPRO for his return to the ring and fast healing from the Nailz attack. Sure, why not. I bet it also chases off bears, too. I don’t see any bears around the arena, do you? Anyway, would you really want RAY TRAYLOR as your symbol of bodybuilding excellence? Sharpe tries to overpower Bossman and gets two nowhere with it, as he gets taken down and legdropped and thrown out of the ring. Back in the ring, Bossman slugs away in the corner and gets a boot out of the corner and Sharpe runs away again. Back in, Sharpe goes to the eyes and gets some offense, but walks into a backdrop and Bossman Slam at 3:20.

Meanwhile, Flair and his entourage celebrate with champagne and roses. And then Razor turned on them and stole the bottle of champagne after the cameras went off.

The Nasty Boys v. Red Tyler & Greg Brown

So pasty white guy jobber Brown wears an honest to god poncho to the ring, like he’s late for his day job at the hippie juice farm. The Nasties beat on Tyler to start and Sags gets the pumphandle slam…and we take a break?! Back with the Pit Stop and it’s over to Brown, who nearly trips and falls coming into the ring. Knobbs drops elbows on him and the Nasties hit a double DDT for the pin at 3:14. What a weird squash. What was with the commercial break?

Event Center!

Skinner is upset with Jack Tunney for banning his chew, so he might just sneak up on Tunney’s car and slash his tires. Also he might literally eat other wrestlers because he apparently thinks he’s an actual alligator. Maybe there was more than tobacco in that stuff he was chewing.

Next week: Bret Hart! Shawn Michaels! Mountie v. Tatanka! Macho Man does an interview!

The Undertaker v. Pat Rose

Wait, there’s still a match after the outro? Was Vince just fucking with the format this week or something? Rose actually does a nice bit where he’s terrified of actually starting the match, and Taker quickly chokeslams him and chokes away in the corner. Ropewalk follows and the tombstone finishes at 2:00.

OK, we’re done now? OK. One big change on top down, with many more afoot!