The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars–09.05.92

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 09.05.92

It’s the fallout from Summerslam! Which is still from the tapings done BEFORE Summerslam! I bet it was the Avengers messing with the timelines again. Regardless, we get a video recap of the Warrior-Savage main event, complete with overblown voiceover from Vince, and they actually show pretty much the entire match in clipped form. Why would I want to order the replay now?

Taped from Worcester, MA

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Mr. Perfect

The Legion of Doom v. Jerry Stevens & Gary Jackson

So this is notable because the show was taped before Summerslam, and in fact Hawk didn’t return from London with everyone else and never came back at all. The Money Inc. match ended up being their last WWF match until 1997. They destroy pasty white jobber Stevens and finish him with the Doomsday Device at 2:17, and that’s it for the LOD for a long while.

Event Center! With Sean Mooney!

The Nasty Boys are still bitching about not getting a title shot, and Big Bossman rants about Nailz hiding in his neighborhood and spying on him from the woods. How can a guy in an ORANGE PRISON JUMPSUIT even hide in the woods? Um, maybe cut down on whatever shit you were smoking before the promo tapings, dude. It’s making you a bit paranoid.

Nailz v. Tommy Stevenson

Nailz punts the jobber and chokes him out and chokes him out and chokes him out and finishes with the choke at 1:52. And then chokes him out with the nightstick some more afterwards, in case we hadn’t gotten the point about the choking yet. It’s like watching the Leafs in the playoffs!

Event Center! With Sean Mooney!

Yeah, we’re definitely just filling time with this episode. The Natural Disasters will defend the titles anywhere, whether it’s somewhere in Florida or on the moon! Why would you want to defend them on the moon? You’ll lose your entire weight advantage up there. That’s a terrible strategy. Also, Rick Martel cuts a generic promo about how he’s better looking than everyone else. Man, this show went from focused to meandering again in record time.

Crush v. Kato

Kato is introduced “from Japan”. As you’d expect. Like, they couldn’t even pick a town at random to flesh out his backstory a bit? Anyway, Crush does an inset promo and suddenly he’s Hawaiian and says “Shaka, brudda” and “Aloha”. I bet he saw Lilo & Stitch a bunch of times, too. That’s a pretty abrupt character redo even by the standards of the time. He literally just changed his accent! Crush throws Kato around and no-sells some clothesline attempts, then gets the press slam and finishes with the TEMPLE MASSAGE OF DOOM at 2:21 as Vince and Perfect reference Hawaii, coconuts, islands, Hawaii, and did I mention that Crush is from HAWAII? And yet poor Kato gets no character development past “He’s from Japan”.

The Mountie v. Ken Wayne

Speaking of cultural vagueness, the Mountie is of course “from Canada”, in keeping with our theme of the show. So Ken Wayne actually had some future experience being on the wrong side of law enforcement, as he was convicted of child exploitation charges in 2014 and sentenced to 5 years in prison for possession of child pornography. Mountie beats on him with the half nelson in the corner, and finishes with a piledriver in 2:15. Unfortunately he doesn’t get the shock stick afterwards.

Meanwhile, Razor Ramon is already throwing out a challenge to Randy Savage. Oil me, chico.

Virgil v. Barry Horowitz

Barry actually was nice enough to add me as a Facebook friend recently, so here’s a plug for his page:

Virgil chases Barry and follows with a dive to start, then works the arm and sends Barry into the corner with a wedgie, while Perfect discusses Plan B and throws Bobby Heenan under the bus for supposedly botching Plan A. Horowitz makes a comeback, but misses a charge and the Black Russian Legsweep finishes at 3:10. Decent little match, actually.

Money Inc. v. Bert Stiles & Warren Quinn

Perfect continues burying Heenan, now insinuating that he mismanaged Flair’s money while IRS drops elbows on Stiles. Over to Quinn and Dibiase backdrops him and follows with a suplex, and IRS gets his own suplex before working in an abdominal stretch while the announcers go on a weird tangent about Billy Ray Cyrus. Write Off clothesline and Million Dollar Dream finish at 3:05.

Event Center! With Sean Mooney!

More nothing promos, as Tatanka promises to keep climbing to the top, and Repo Man loves the high unemployment rate in America because then he gets lots of work repossessing cars. Does Vince know he’s moonlighting? Is it built into his downside?

Next week: More stuff taped before Summerslam! This one kind of sucked and next week is probably more of the same.