The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat–05.16.99

The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat – 05.16.99

Last week on RAW, Vince McMahon organizes a Union and Cactus Jack returns for a bullshit match with Mideon & Viscera. And the ratings just kept going higher and higher.

Meanwhile, the Corporate Ministry arrives at the arena, featuring Undertaker in full ceremonial robes and HHH in leather pants that leave NOTHING to the imagination. Maybe Stephanie was just borrowing them from her husband all those times she wore them?

Taped from wherever, I don’t care. It feels like this show comes from the depths of Purgatory for me anyway. Anyway, it’s Ft. Lauderdale on May 11.

Your hosts are Kevin Kelly & Jim Cornette and the heat machine.

X-Pac v. D-Lo Brown

D-Lo quickly attacks and they slug it out, but D-Lo hits a leg lariat and drops the leg. X-Pac comes back with a spinkick and backdrop suplex, but a blind charge misses and D-Lo follows with a clothesline and tries his own broncobuster. That one misses and X-Pac gets his own, but Ivory comes in for the DQ at 2:23. So I guess D-Lo and Mark Henry are heels now? Even the announcers are confused. Match was fine. Spoiler: It was also by far the longest and best of the entire show.

The Corporate Ministry, which even by 1999 Vince Russo standards is getting wildly out of control in terms of size, joins us for a promo. Next week, Undertaker is going to be WWF champion again. Jesus, I always forgot that the show ended with THE UNDERTAKER winning the main event. Really, coming up with an ideal resolution to that whole situation is like trying to win an argument with your wife anyway, but wow. Also, Rock is BARRED from wearing his cast at the PPV, which worked out well because they literally forgot about his broken arm after that show anyway. Also, Rock faces Undertaker in a casket match on RAW tomorrow night. Yikes. This is getting way too close to home. Also, Undertaker is being summoned by the Higher Power above him, and he wants Austin’s title and soul. I feel like Taker would be a fan of the new Sabrina on Netflix. Although it might be a bit dark even for someone who wears ceremonial robes around town and burns people on crosses. HHH finishes with his grunting promo where he wants something darker and messier for Rock. Now, help me out here, Attitude era babies. I have a distinct remembrance of HHH trapping Rock in a casket and smashing it with a sledgehammer around this time and I thought it was at Over the Edge, but I can’t remember for sure. Was it the casket match between Taker and Rock where that happened?

The Brood v. Droz & Prince Albert

The Brood is represented by Gangrel & Christian tonight and Ryan Shamrock returns from the dead to make eyes with Droz for some reason. This distracts the ref and Edge and Christian hit a double-team on Droz and pin him at 0:55. This is then revealed to be some kind of master plan of PMS and Meat and that’s gotta be the last we ever hear from Ryan. And then the angle overload continues as Dok Hendrix comes out to confront the Brood and when the lights come back on, it is the Brood who has been bathed in blood, courtesy of the Hardy Boyz.

Meanwhile, Dok Hendrix is about to shed his slave name and return to Michael Hayes, but the Brood cuts him off and the brawl is on. You have to love the snark from the dorky interviewer who starts the questioning with “Dok, you’re an announcer, with all due respect, let it go!” Kudos for telling it like it is, dipshit. This looked like it was gonna kick off something for the Hardyz, but it really wasn’t until their heel turn and then subsequent babyface turn at the end of the year that they truly went somewhere.

Hardcore Holly v. Road Dogg

Road Dogg’s introduction is getting more labored by the day, especially with Billy Gunn’s departure from DX. It’ll only get worse. So in the video recap, Jim Cornette has to clarify that Snow pinned the Head by using the deer head, so the deer head is the Hardcore champion. Meanwhile, Dogg hits Holly with a cookie sheet for two right away while Snow joins us for a distraction and the pumphandle slam finishes for Dogg at 0:58. OK, so the deer head has an eyepatch and is named Pierre? That’s gotta be a rib, right? Holly smashes up the deer head afterwards. Maybe Al should find a new pet. Couldn’t end any worse for him.

Meanwhile, Snow brings the deer to the trainer, on a stretcher, and begs for medical attention. He should bring it to Zahorian, he’d at least get a prescription out of it.

Jerry Lawler brings out Val Venis to continue the Nicole Bass saga, and Nicole wants to be Val’s tag team partner or something.

Meanwhile, Steve Blackman sure loves him some karate.

Mark Henry v. Kane

D-Lo tries a distraction on Kane and Mark attacks him in the corner and follows with a corner splash, but Kane springs up with a clothesline off the top while X-Pac runs down and then D-Lo runs in for the DQ at 0:56.

Meanwhile, on RAW, Patterson and Brisco beat the Mean Street Posse to send them out of the WWF forever. I mean, they were back for Summerslam, of course, how could the WWF survive without Pete Gas and Rodney?

Ken Shamrock, Big Show, Test & Mankind v. DOA & Too Much

I should note that the Union do not have their iconic “Toot toot” music at this point, as they were still ironing out the details of that stuff and counting all the money. Literally before I can even finish typing that joke, Big Show finishes Skull with Jesus H. Chokeslam at 0:19. Given the match started with less than a minute left in the runtime, I’m not terribly surprised. The Ministry comes out for the staredown, but nothing comes of it and we’re out.

I’m 50/50 on whether I’m gonna do next week’s PPV preshow Heat or just skip past it. We’ll see how I feel.