The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat–05.02.99

The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat – 05.02.99

LIVE! From Sandy Eggo, CA

Your hosts are Kevin Kelly & Michael Cole

D-Lo Brown & Mark Henry v. The New Age Outlaws

This is Mizark’s return after a long knee injury, and Kevin Kelly gives a strained analogy by noting “like a hypoglycemic needing a piece of candy, D-Lo was needing Sexual Chocolate”. And then Droz & Albert run in and everyone brawls into the crowd at 1:15 for a non-finish literally before the match even starts. This leaves the Outlaws alone in the ring again, and Road Dogg thinks that Billy owes X-Pac an apology for the shenanigans that went down on that hot new Smackdown show that all the kids are talking about. X-Pac comes out and Billy offers his apologies, and then turns on him to kick off one of the most spectacularly failed pushes in WWF history. Kane saves his partner and chokeslams Road Dogg because he’s apparently too stupid to know who hurt his buddy, or maybe he’s just as confused by the booking as everyone watching was.

Meanwhile, on Smackdown, an UNHOLY ALLIANCE FORMED IN HELL between the Corporation and the Ministry, a CORPORATE MINISTRY if you will. They can always workshop that name later, I’m sure.

Michael Cole suddenly moves to the entrance and talks about the history of the McMahon family and how “Vince never disrespected his father”. He literally STOLE THE COMPANY from him! Anyway, this sets up a clip from Backlash, with Vince helping Austin to beat Rock and retain the title, setting up…

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The fact that they’re presenting all this goofy nonsense as some kind of dramatic storyline development makes it all the more hilarious. This whole video package trying to make sense of nonsense literally takes up ten minutes of a 45 minute show.

Ken Shamrock & Test v. The Acolytes

Big brawl to start and the Acolytes double-team Test with a neckbreaker drop for two, but Test trips over his own feet ducking a clothesline and makes the tag to Shamrock, who runs wild and anklelocks Faarooq at 1:20. And this brings out the combined force of the Corporate Ministry, in this case Mideon, Viscera and the Mean Street Posse, for the beatdown. And then Big Bossman comes out and issues a challenge to Mankind, who is apparently hanging out in the boiler room.

Big Bossman v. Mankind

So we’re in the boiler room and Mankind attacks right away as Michael clarifies that this is an “unscheduled boiler room brawl” despite the presence of multiple cameras and a referee. Bossman tries to run him over with a golf cart, unsuccessfully, so Mankind puts a net on his head and chokes him out. And then the Corporate Ministry runs in for what is presumably a non-finish in an unscheduled boiler room brawl and beats him down. This is making my head hurt. And then Big Show rips the door off to make the save and the heels run away, despite still holding a 7-on-2 advantage.

Big Show joins us in the ring, complete with his now famous theme song, and lays down a challenge to the Undertaker, but the Corporate Ministry answers the challenge instead and beats Show down. Interesting note: Mideon is actually wearing a t-shirt where it’s spelled “Midian”, so I guess they really were intending that spelling. So we’ve now had three segments in a row end with the Ministry beating down the babyfaces.

Hardcore Holly v. Al Snow

Snow is now Hardcore champion, but this is non-title and Holly has kidnapped Head. So Snow is now carrying around a deer head and enters to Holly’s old racecar driver music while the announcers excitedly tell us how “Hardcore Holly used to be known as Sparky Plugg!” as if this is the funniest thing ever. That’s a thing that used to be a thing! If anyone is playing Vince Russo trope Bingo, you can scratch that one off. So they have a mild brawl outside the ring and Holly smashes up the toy car that Snow brought to the ring and then re-kidnaps Head and leaves for yet another non-finish in a series of them at 2:20. “Why didn’t you hit him with the deer head?” someone yells from ringside. Kid’s got a point.

Meanwhile, Big Show smashes up the limo with a 2×4, and you can add “car getting needlessly wrecked” and “police arresting top babyface” to your bingo card.

And hey, who’s had enough of the Corporate Ministry tonight? NOT ME! Because here they are again, complete with HHH and Chyna this time and a bizarre mashup of “No Chance in Hell” and Undertaker’s theme. “The Corporate Ministry is far from over!” notes Shane. I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments. So Shane announces that Over the Edge will feature Steve Austin defending against Undertaker, with Shane McMahon once again acting as special guest referee. And then Shane gives a rambling promo about wanting Vince in the ring tomorrow night on RAW where he takes about three tries to get to the point, and we’re out.

Even by the low standards of this show, this was a major clunker. On the bright side, not many episodes left in the Network run!