The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars–08.01.92

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 08.01.92

Plus a little bonus match review at the end. Come on, I know what you’re all waiting for.

Back with new reviews after a week off recovering from the wrestling overload of Wrestlemania weekend, so thanks for bearing with the reposts this week.

Taped from Glens Falls, NY

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Mr. Perfect, just in time for National Clown Week. Wait a minute, that gives Vince an idea…

The Nasty Boys v. Ross Greenberg & Kerry Davis

The Nasties drop elbows on Greenberg and they’re working really stiff on him for some reason. Even the Pit Stop is pretty snug! Davis gets thrown in and Knobs drops an elbow on him as well. Vince describes Knobs as “moving like a nasty, mangy, scraggly, smelly lion. But a lion nonetheless.” Talk about a backhanded compliment. Shitty Elbow finishes at 2:50. The crowd was deathly silent for this and they didn’t even bother to sweeten the audio for some reason, and it felt longer than Wrestlemania.

UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE! BROUGHT TO YOU BY WWF SUPERSTAR ICE CREAM BARS!

Last week, Warrior and Savage had a pretty boss interview segment together setting up Summerslam, but Flair interrupted and “relentlessly assaulted them verbally with acerbic barbs”, which sounds pretty serious, including Perfect spitting the HOT FIRE with his “Macho Chicken” impression.

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Right, exactly like that. Perfect was obviously wearing a $5000 suit as well. COME ON!

Bret Hart v. Iron Mike Sharpe

Iron Mike gets a bearhug while Vince lays out the family tree and explains the relationship between Bret and Bulldog. Good lord, I’m glad no one ever tried to do that with a Samoan feud, or else they’d have to dedicate an entire half hour segment to it. This gives us an inset promo from Helen Hart, which is of course the highlight of any professional wrestling program in any era or territory. Bret, meanwhile, finishes with the Sharpshooter at 1:45.

Event Center! Shawn Michaels is still working on his promos but getting better at this point, as he and Sherri have an amazing exchange about the Rick Martel match at Summerslam. Sherri: “But Shawn, what’s so sexy about The Model Rick Martel?” Shawn: “NOTHING.” The delivery is what sells it. You tell him, Shawn.

Rick Martel v. Bill Pierce

Martel works the arm and we get an inset promo from him where he declares that Tatanka has not yet regained the eagle feathers from him, so they belong to him FOREVER now. I feel like that’s some specious legal reasoning, but they do say possession is 9/10ths of the law. Especially if you’re Jon Jones. Boston Crab finishes at 2:24.

The Undertaker joins us for a special interview with Mean Gene, and Paul Bearer has been looking into the cost of shipping a body from England to Uganda, and he’s pretty sure he’s got the proper permits for it. Good to know that he might think twice about murdering another human being and having him shipped to another continent. You know, if the paperwork didn’t line up right. Damn bureaucrats, making everything so DIFFICULT. Also, he’s looking forward to burning the bodies of Kamala and Kim Chee in a funeral pyre once they get to Africa. Well this mortician character certainly got dark all of a sudden. Also, why does poor Kim Chee have to be burned alive with Kamala? Just because he’s the translator? The man’s just doing a job!

Papa Shango v. Tony Roy

So now poor Shango is suddenly adrift in the sea of midcarders and never recovered. Not even, like, a feud with Texas Tornado or Virgil or whatever to occupy him. He’s gonna need a sign that says “Will do voodoo for food-oo.” Shoulderbreaker finishes at 1:54.

SUMMERSLAM REPORT! WITH MEAN GENE!

It’s like having London right in your living room! WITHOUT ALL THE FOG! Well, there’s my $25 justified right there. We’ve got Warrior v. Savage! Bret v. Bulldog! Kamala v. Undertaker! Shawn Michaels v. Rick Martel! Sherri drops in to complain about Martel wearing an eagle feather with a tuxedo jacket, which cracks me up for some reason. YOU DO NOT DO THAT, RICK MARTEL! Also announced: The Natural Disasters defending the tag team titles against the Beverly Brothers. Plus Nailz v. Virgil and Legion of Doom v. Money Inc! Man, give Mean Gene a PPV to hype and let him loose.

The Legion of Doom v. Flex Armstrong & Richie Rich

Those jobbers are lucky that there’s a dummy in the other corner to deflect from their ridiculous names. And apparently those were actually the names they used on the indies and both guys were around until the present day. Well, good for them. Vince, by the way, thinks Rocco is the most hilarious thing he’s ever seen. And this was 30 years before he got REALLY senile!

Meanwhile, Razor Ramon is sick of all the losers sitting around playing dominos, and he’s coming to destroy all of our heroes. And he’ll knock them down. Like some kind of game. Mouse Trap, I think.

Next week: Kamala! British Bulldog! Natural Disasters! And finally, the DEBUT OF RAZOR RAMON!

OK, with that done, let’s tear this off like a band-aid so I can get to bed.

The Mystical Magical Magee

Ted Dibiase v. Tom Magee (12.07.88)

I love that even the Network guys are snarking on Magee here. So this is a dark match from Superstars in 88, with the hard camera version. Unfortunately we lose audio pretty much immediately so we’ll have to use our imaginations to fill in the sounds of the screaming fans showering Magee with adulation. Magee works the arm to start with Rousey-like armbar takedowns, then chases Dibiase to the floor with a dropkick and does a celebratory front flip. Back in, he throws some kicks in the corner, but misses a charge and Dibiase tosses him as his limbs flail helplessly to the floor. Dibiase slams him out there, and back in for the middle rope elbow, which gets two. Thankfully the audio is restored at this point as Dibiase drops an elbow for two. And here I was getting worried that the crowd silence was because Magee SUCKED or something. Dibiase with a suplex for two and he goes up and misses an elbow as usual, allowing Magee to do some more flips and hit something resembling a leg lariat for the comeback. That was like Erik Watts level hangtime. And then he throws an even worse dropkick! Thankfully, he walks into a powerslam and gets pinned at 7:35. Clearly by this time NO ONE thought Magee was the next Hulk Hogan. That being said, although Magee was pretty terrible, this wasn’t a bad match at all, thanks to Dibiase pretty much holding his hand move by move through the match while he did his flips and somersaults and tried to sell. The problem was that he was 2 years into a run where he was supposed to be the next Hulk Hogan by that point, and couldn’t even work a simple dark match unless it was with a world class talent like Dibiase. So if you’re going into this one waiting for the spectacular trainwreck, it ain’t here, but pretty much any match with Magee is a rarity now because he almost never made TV. For good reason.