Teddy Long welcomes Finlay & Horny to the St. Patrick’s Day episode of ECW and they immediately lose Hornswoggle quicker than a failed piss test.
Christian & Smackdown’s MVP vs. Mark Henry & Smackdown’s Shelton Benjamin
All four guys will be in the MITB Ladder Match at Wrestlemania. Shelton and MVP start as they’re currently feuding over Shelton’s U.S. Title. MVP gets brave and tries to go to shot-for-shot with Shelton and Henry at the same time until a distraction gets him a Henry headbutt. Awkwardly-placed advert break brings us to Henry & Shelton tagging out to work over the still-popular MVP. Watching this era back makes me wonder how over MVP would have been if he’d made his debut on NXT 2015 rather than the Smackdown of 2005. He makes the hot tag to Christian who goes through a smooth sequence of kick dodges with Shelton and sunset flips with Shelton. Shelton falls victim to the Fulcrum Prison Blues (the rope-assisted back kick that I’m pretty sure Striker just made up the name of) and a Tornado DDT before the match descends into a brawl and Shelton hits The Paydirt during the chaos before staring out MVP.
Winners: Mark Henry & Shelton Benjamin (Standard hot tag match between four guys who weren’t winning at Wrestlemania but Shelton and Christian had some peanut-butter smooth offence together.)
Finlay continues to look for Horny but can only find DJ Gabriel, who is the same shade of green.
Jamie Noble vs. Evan Bourne
Bourne’s return from injury five months ago. WWE have been hyping him up these past few weeks but God knows why he’s returning a few weeks before Wrestlemania, it’s like releasing a film in January. Noble bounces Evan around to remind us he’s actually three slinkies standing on top of another wearing a jacket. After letting rip his reverse rana and standing moonsault, Evan finishes with his delicious Shooting Star Press.
Winner: Evan Bourne (A near-squash to remind us why we love Bourne.)
Finlay finds Horny throwing food at Katie Lea Burchill, leading to Paul demanding a match against Finlay. Not unreasonable.
Jack Swagger comes out to remind us he’s the champion and then leaves. No wonder Bourne returned on this show, the roster’s so thin that if he was unavailable then Noble would have had to wrestle a Tom & Jerry cartoon instead.
RAW REBOUND: Vickie is caught in a love triangle between Big Show & Edge who both claim the other is using her to get ahead. Vickie guest refs a Edge vs. Cena match and tries to yank Cena off Edge mid-submission which causes Show to attack Cena. After some double-teams, Edge turns on Show and Vickie is officially with Edge again. I think. This was all silly fun thanks to Edge & Vickie’s wonderful acting but I forget why Cena was part of this whole thing.
Finlay vs. Paul Burchill
Despite being justifiably angry, Finlay still twats Paul around like the giant throbber that he is until Fit gets distracted by Horny dancing on the announce table and gets clobbered by Paul’s boring arsenal of punches and punches. Finlay regains control after crotching Paul on the ring skirt, easily blocks his neckbreaker and finishing with the Celtic Cross.
Winner: Finlay (Just an excuse to have a North Irishman beat a Brit on March 17th so Striker can yell all the things he learned by reading the wikipedia article for “Irish”.)
The Dirt Sheet
Morrison & The Miz are joined by The Bellas who have apparently left The Colons because they only associate with winners. They apply the bum masks and make fart noises until The Colons arrive with palm trees to make this Carlito’s Cabana instead. Carlito challenges Miz & Morrison to unify the titles at Wrestlemania and attempt an apple spit but they duck and the Bellas get seed on their face. Both teams leave with a different Bella twin because they’re pretty much objects now.
Overall: This felt more like watching all the extras on a DVD than a real episode of ECW. Nothing happened but time passed anyway.