The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat–04.25.99

The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat – 04.25.99

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Aw. Hopefully all the fat, out of shape sweathogs in heaven are keeping the noise down for him.

And then we get a promo video for the PPV featuring Rock’s funeral for Austin. Well that’s unfortunate.

 

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So it’s the Backlash pre-show, which I might do on Friday before Takeover depending on how ambitious I’m feeling. My wife and child have wisely decided to abandon me this weekend so I’ll have some time on my hands.

LIVE! From Providence, RI!

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Kevin Kelly

D-Lo Brown & Ivory v. Val Venis

This was supposed to be a mixed tag with Sable, but she’s now gone (or at an acting gig in this case, but mostly out the door otherwise) so this is a handicap match. D-Lo and Ivory quickly double-team Val, but D-Lo goes up and Ivory accidentally tags herself in. So Nicole Bass runs down and she’s apparently in the match because reasons, and she “chokeslams” Ivory for the pin with one foot at 1:45. That was like a Giant Gonzalez chokeslam. Come to think of it, have we seen them in the same place at the same time? And then Nicole reveals that she wants his “slide trombone in her brass section” in return. Now there’s a storyline I had managed to block out of my mind. What a way to kick off this show.

Next up, we get a video recap of the history of D-X (after Shawn of course), including the tank that looked a lot like a jeep, and JR interviews “Sean” backstage. HE’S USING REAL NAMES! HE’S SHOOTING! X-Pac stumbles over the line “Sometimes you find out the people who used to be your best friends turn out to be your worst enemies”. I’ve always preferred “The people you step over on the way up are the ones you meet on the way down” myself. HHH does his rebuttal promo and snarks “Who told you to think, X-Pac? That’s my gig!”

Meanwhile, on RAW, Vince runs away from an interview and attacks Mideon in the parking lot for an awesomely terrible beatdown, arms and other limbs flailing like he’s the Lord of the Dance.

Droz & Prince Albert v. Too Much

Brian and Scotty are slowly morphing into Too Cool, doing the dancing and general wackiness now. They double-team Droz with a double hiptoss and splash for two, but Albert saves and dumps Christopher, then hits a press slam on Taylor for the pin at 1:05. Unfortunately we are rapidly nearing the end of Droz’s career, just as he was finally finding his groove. Had we met his drug dealer Key yet at this point? This whole period is such a blur that I can’t remember. Albert goes to forcibly pierce an undefined orifice on Scotty, but the Ministry of Emo comes down and decides to beat up everyone themselves.

Meanwhile, Nicole Bass is still looking for Val as she’s only been around for a week and already her storyline is going completely off the rails.

Big Bossman v. Kane

Test is back with Bossman despite them breaking up last week, because Russo. Kane beats on Bossman in the corner, but Bossman slides out and in of the ring like Baron Corbin, only to be cut off by Kane’s necksnap. Kane goes up with the flying clothesline, but misses an elbow and Bossman chokes him out in the corner. Sadly, he gets whipped into Test and gets chokeslammed and pinned at 2:45. Everything you’d imagine and less. And of course, they break up again, just in time for…

Test v. Viscera

A distracted Test gets attacked by Vis and laid out, but he fights back with a big boot and legdrop for two. Viscera gets a DDT, but misses a splash, and Test goes up with the shitty elbow for two. And then Bossman “accidentally” hits Test with the nightstick and Vis pins him with a piledriver at 2:10.

This now concludes the wrestling portion of the show.

Meanwhile, Shane dismisses Test for the night because of all his mistakes and clumsiness.

Shane McMahon joins us to give the hard sell after 5:00 of video recap of the Rock-Austin feud, and he’s got a special stipulation for the main event of the PPV: It’s NO HOLDS BARRED, which is of course completely different from no disqualification, street fight, or hardcore rules. Also, if Austin touches him in any way, Austin will be disqualified and he’ll lose the title. Wait, wait, so it’s no holds barred, but you can be disqualified, AND the DQ rule is waived?

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But as Shane’s surprisingly heatless interview comes to a close, Vince’s limo pulls up and it’s time for Backlash!

Eh, it was a show.