The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat–04.11.99

The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat – 04.11.99

Last time on RAW: Kane and X-Pac put aside their clashing color schemes and win the WWF tag titles from Owen Hart & Jeff Jarrett and become the original Vince Russo “Wacky Tag Team Partners Who Hate Each Other”. RSPW is still waiting for that alternate outfit for Kane in D-X green, I’m afraid.

LIVE from “Michigan State University”. Must be some hick town if they’re calling it that. A quick check reveals it’s actually East Lansing.

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Kevin Kelly

X-Pac & Kane start us out and X-Pac is tired of Owen & Jeff “whining and crying like a couple of whining little bitches”. That certainly would get tiresome. So X-Pac offers them a rematch TONIGHT, IN THIS VERY RING to hopefully shut them up. This brings out the former champs, plus the New Age Outlaws as well, who also want a shot at the belts, having already abandoned their singles careers, I guess. So yeah, three-way tag title match tonight as X-Pac tries to get “Your ass is grass and I’m gonna smoke it” over as a catchphrase. I don’t think he was ever 100% successful with it. This was a pretty pedestrian opening but at least it set up a match.

Meanwhile, Ken Shamrock takes out some anger on a series of helpless tables.

Mideon v. Ken Shamrock

The graphic has it spelled “Midian” but I’m pretty sure I’m right. Shamrock immediately blitzes him and beats the hell out of him outside. Back in, Ken continues smacking Mideon around and demanding to know where Ryan has gone. Anklelock finishes at 2:20 but Mideon still won’t divulge the location of his sister. Has he looked in the locker rooms of the other men in the building? Because that seemed to be her favorite place. Shamrock smashes more inanimate objects at ringside to show how angry he is about the kidnapping, and then tells somebody at ringside to “shut your mouth and sit your ass down” out of character before cutting his real promo about Undertaker and the goofy kidnapping. And he calls him MARK you know he’s SHOOTING. Shooting like Becky Lynch on Twitter! *

Meanwhile, X-Pac tries to talk sense into Kane and get him on the same page.

The Rock abuses dorky interviewer Lucas and thinks that the Smoking Skull belt should be a Brahma Bull belt. It almost was, in fact.

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Meanwhile, on RAW, Big Show pulls down the TitanTron and Steve Austin tears a hole in it.

Jim Ross announces that he’ll be returning as the announcer on RAW starting tomorrow night in Detroit, thus abruptly ending that whole stupid storyline without a payoff. So he brings out Mankind, who has Yurple the Clown and a cake celebrating the birthday of Mr. Socko. It’s time for a birthday song, but no matter how bad he sings, “Please no rioting!” So in two weeks, it’s a boiler room brawl between himself and Big Show, so he’s going to go lock himself into the boiler room until Backlash. Yeah, but it’s a different arena…never mind, doesn’t matter.

The Rock v. D-Lo Brown

Rock slugs away on D-Lo out of the corner and adds a suplex for two. Legsweep gets two. Rock lays the smack down and chokes him out on the ropes while Shane does coked up commentary, but D-Lo comes back with a sidekick and legdrop before walking into Rock Bottom and the Corporate Elbow at 3:15. Basically just a squash, as it should be. *1/2

Droz v. Big Bossman

A rematch from last week’s nose ring incident, as Droz attacks to start, but he misses a blind charge and Bossman hits him with the spinebuster before the unnamed debuting Prince Albert runs in out of the crowd for the DQ at 0:50. WHO IS THIS GUY? HOW MUCH DOES HE WEIGH? Is Art Donovan suddenly doing commentary? What a debut for Albert. DUD

WWF tag team titles: The Unlikely Duo of Kane & X-Pac v. The New Age Outlaws v. Jeff Jarrett & Owen Hart

We’ve got 5:00 of airtime left so everyone rushes through entrances and we don’t even get the usual spiel from the Outlaws. Kane is late as usual so everyone attacks X-Pac in a smart move. Kane saves and cleans house, and Jarrett starts with Road Dogg, with Dogg immediately going to the comeback spots while HHH watches from the entrance. X-Pac comes in and trades kicks with Dogg, and Billy Gunn comes in and hits a press slam on X-Pac. Kane gives him a cheapshot from the apron and the X-Factor finishes at 2:02. Barely even a match. *

A totally dull and watchable show this week. I’ll take what I can get.