The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars–07.18.92

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 07.18.92

Taped from Glens Falls, NY.

Your hosts on National Space Week, Vince McMahon & Mr. Perfect.

So FINALLY, four weeks away from Summerslam, they announce that it’s in Wembley Stadium (instead of the rough plan of Washington, DC that had been around for months) and tonight we get the main event. And you thought this year’s Wrestlemania build was rushed.

The Natural Disasters v. Dwayne Gill & The Brooklyn Brawler

So Vince is already lying, saying that the show will be live and direct from Wembley, when in fact it was taped two days beforehand. Quake hits Gill with a belly to belly and drops an elbow on him. Typhoon hits some backbreakers and Perfect is 100% confident that Ric Flair is getting the main event of Summerslam. Disasters with the double avalanche on Gill and then they finish with the Quake splash and Shockmaster splash at 2:47. Quake was still quite good but I still don’t know why the hell they wasted the tag titles on these guys later on.

UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE! BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE WWF MERCHANDISE CATALOG!

Yes, it’s time for the announcement of the Summerslam main event, and Summerslam is SOLD OUT in a mere 10 hours. As we learned in the Observers from the time, this was also a blatant lie. In fact there were more than 20,000 tickets available at the point in time where they announced the sellout, which is still incredibly impressive in itself. I mean, 60,000 tickets in a couple of days is a mammoth number even today! And of course, Gene announces the main event: Randy Savage (who has been persona non grata on these shows for weeks now as they wonder why he was such a flop as champion) defending the WWF title against the Ultimate Warrior.

Ric Flair v. Glen Ruth

Oh man, Flair is so mad that I bet he’s gonna THRASH this jobber! He immediately tosses the guy like a FLYING NUN and BANGS his HEAD into the floor! Ric adds some chops and back in for more abuse and choking on the ropes, and he drops a knee and finishes with a figure-four at 2:48. Man, he squashed this guy like a SPIDER.

EVENT CENTER! BROUGHT TO YOU BY ICOPRO!

Usual stuff from Sgt. Slaughter and the Nasty Boys here.

Meanwhile, on this week’s Prime Time, Rick Martel faces Bret Hart, with potential shenanigans from Shawn Michaels teased!

Virgil v. Dave Millson

Millson looks like a shorter version of Glen Jacobs. And Virgil is all fired up AGAIN, dropping the guy right on his mullet with a backdrop suplex that nearly flips him backwards, and then tossing him and following with a dive before bringing him back in and finishing with the BLACK RUSSIAN LEGSWEEP at 1:46. OK, who’s letting Virgil into the good coke lately? Can he afford it on his salary? Clearly he wasn’t making Olive Garden money at that point in his career.

Meanwhile, the Beverly Brothers are still going on about the Legion of Sissies, although I think thankfully this is the last we have to hear about it before everything gets switched around.

BREAKING NEWS!

Just reading the Observer for this week again, and apparently they were supposed to announce a Papa Shango v. Kerry Von Erich match for Summerslam, but Kerry got fired the week of this show and won’t make it. OK, let’s be serious for a moment here, because is everyone else on the same page as me for how they could take Shango’s voodoo curse gimmick to the next level with Kerry, or am I just a horrible person? Because I bet now that I’ve said it, you’re all thinking it too.

Repo Man v. Fred Starr

Repo chokes away on Starr while Vince jokes that maybe Flair could have a match against the Genius on the Summerslam show now that he’s free. HE HAS NO CLEAR PATH TO SUMMERSLAM! Meanwhile, Vince segues into the most unbelievably awkward plug of a tug-of-war between WBF “stars” and WWF heels in a last ditch attempt to get someone to watch the bodybuilding show. At this point the WBF magazine was officially canceled and the TV show wasn’t far behind.

Big Bossman is back, healed remarkably fast from a beating that caused his face to turn purple and swell up. Must be on that John Cena rehab program. So Bossman went home to Georgia to think about life, and then a six year old boy came to his porch and hugged him and asked him if he was OK. And then the authorities came and asked questions like “Why the fuck is a six year old boy hanging out around a former prison guard without parental supervision? Who does this kid belong to? Has anyone checked if this guy who cosplays as a prison guard is a sexual predator? Does he often tell stories centered around coming to life revelations while hugging six year old boys?”

The Mountie v. Jason Knight

Yup, another appearance of the Sexiest Man on Earth, complete with horrifying two-tone hair and burgeoning rat tail. Mountie runs him into the turnbuckles a bunch of times and then takes him down with a smother claw and tosses him. Back in for a dropkick to finish at 2:05. He terrorizes poor Jason Knight with his giant electric dildo, but then decides to just sing instead of actually using it. Guys, I’m beginning to suspect that the Mountie is not actually being truthful about his relationship to the RCMP.

RAZOR RAMON, who Vince describes as “allegedly personifying machismo”, is on the beach. Is there someone else with more machismo? Because I’d like to meet them. So Hall tries to cut his tough guy promo while navigating wet sand in bare feet and not it’s most effective one. But we have nothing to fear, unless you try to stop him, in which case he’ll pound your face into the sand.

British Bulldog v. Vito Krus

Another quality jobber with Big Vito / Skull von Krus. I guess this is kind of an amalgamation of both, like a Sicilian Nazi or something. He loves good wine, but hates Jews! Well, they can always workshop it. Bulldog with a delayed suplex and Repo Man does an inset promo, so they’re still not quite there yet. How did Smash go from being a pretty effective promo to whatever Repo Man is supposed to be? Running powerslam finishes at 1:51.

Next week: More matches for Summerslam, as I think we finally hit the reset button for real and start building to the PPV! Also, Ultimate Warrior will listen to Macho Man with his eyes instead of his ears. I’m very interested to see how that’s going to play out.

Hopefully that six year old boy got away from Big Bossman. Send prayers his way!