The Coliseum Video Rant 2019–The ULTIMATE WARRIOR! (1992 version)

The Coliseum Video Rant 2019 – The ULTIMATE WARRIOR! (1992)

Okey doke, let’s see if this one is a little less lazy than the original 1989 tape. At the very least, it’s shorter. I think this is actually the 60 minute “Collector’s Series” version, in fact, which is gonna make this a quick review.

We start off with Warrior’s return at Wrestlemania VIII, or at least whatever hobo they found on the streets of Indianapolis and dressed up like Warrior. Interestingly, this version of the clip omits the commentary portion. Maybe because someone was speaking the truth the world didn’t want to hear about how the original Warrior died in 1991 and got replaced by a lookalike.

Hosted by Sean Mooney.

WWF World title v. Intercontinental title: Hulk Hogan v. Ultimate Warrior

So the Jesse Ventura commentary has been expunged here and re-recorded with Gorilla Monsoon and Lord Alfred instead (much like they redubbed Warrior with another guy completely), and it’s TERRIBLE. Gorilla sounds bored and the sound mix destroys the crowd reactions. The heat for this is UNREAL, with the crowd divided 50/50. Staredown to start and they do the shoving match, and then the lockup, which Warrior wins to start. Another lockup, and Hogan wins that one. The crowd is popping for everything. Warrior wants a test of strength, so they do that, and Warrior gets the advantage, but Hulk fights up from one knee and powers him down again. Warrior fights it off, so Hogan legsweeps him and drops an elbow for one. They do the CRISS-CROSS OF DOOM and Hogan slams him, but Warrior no-sells it. So they try it again, and this time Warrior slams him, and Hogan stays down. Clothesline to the floor, and Hogan whines to Hebner about hurting his knee. Hulk Hogan: Bumping Maniac. The selling is Oscar-worthy material. Warrior smartly goes right after the knee, as Hogan bravely fights off the fake pain and they head back in. Warrior goes for the knee, but Hogan rakes the face to hold him off, and they choke each other as the knee injury disappears for good. Hogan slugs Warrior from behind and clotheslines him in the corner, then hammers away on him. Hogan drops a pair of elbows for two. Front facelock, as Warrior is now blown up and Hogan has to carry the match. Let me repeat that: HOGAN has to CARRY a match. He gets the small package for two and hits the chinlock. He hammers on Warrior while down there, and then slugs away in the corner and chops him down. Axe Bomber gets two. Shoulderbreaker gets two. Back to the chinlock, as Warrior is sucking wind. Hogan works on the back and gets a backdrop suplex for two. Back to the chinlock, as we wait patiently for Warrior to join us back in the world of oxygen-breathing mammals again. Warrior fights out with elbows and they clothesline each other and both guys are out. Warrior is the first up, as he shakes the ropes to recharge his batteries, and Hogan is FLUMMOXED. Warrior slugs away on him and gets the THREE CLOTHESLINES OF DEATH and some chops in the corner, and Hogan is begging for mercy. Suplex gets two. Guess he’s feeling better. And now it’s bearhug time. But man, once you’re not watching it live with a coliseum full of people on closed-circuit TV, the drama is reduced a lot. Ref is bumped on another criss-cross, and Warrior goes AERIAL, baby, hitting Hogan with a double axehandle. He misses a shoulderblock, however, and Hogan faceplants him, but there’s no ref. Warrior recovers with a backdrop suplex, and the ref is still out. Man, criss-crosses are a hazard to referees everywhere. The ref finally recovers and Warrior gets two. Hogan gets a rollup for two. Hogan slugs away and elbows him out of the ring, and they brawl outside. I was getting visions of a double-countout at this point in 1990, but it just ends with Hogan hitting the post as they head back into the ring. Warrior hits him with a clothesline and botches the gorilla slam (I mean, how do you screw that up?) and the big splash gets two, as it’s Hulk Up Time. Punch punch punch, big boot…but the legdrop misses, and Warrior splashes him for the pin and both titles at 22:46. I can actually appreciate Hogan’s efforts in carrying, and really the rest spots don’t hurt it that much compared to the awesome drama of Pat Patterson’s intricately booked spots here. And after all these years it’s still one of my personal favorite matches of all-time, regardless of the star rating. ***1/2

And after taking up more than half of the runtime with the one match from 1990, it’s miraculously 2 years later…

Ultimate Warrior v. Papa Shango

We’re in Lexington, KY, which is a Superstars taping we just finished reviewing in fact. Nice to actually see the blowoff for this stupid feud, if nothing else. Warrior immediately clotheslines him to the floor and they brawl out there, and Warrior hits a corner clothesline in the ring. Big splash misses and Shango takes over and slugs away in the corner. Warrior misses a blind charge and Shango goes to the VOODOO NERVE PINCH OF DEATH while “incantating” as Alfred puts it. Warrior fights up and makes the comeback, which Alfred notes is Warrior “doing some kind of tribal dance and trying to summon the spirits of the Little Warriors”. That sounds a lot worse than anything Shango did. Shango gets an overdramatic bodyslam and then goes up to the middle rope and misses an elbow so badly that even Gorilla is mocking him for it, and Warrior makes his usual comeback and finishes with the shoulderblock and big splash at 5:30. This one was mailed in like the bus to the next town was waiting outside of the arena with their luggage loaded and they were 10 minutes late to get on it. *1/2

Ultimate Warrior v. Skinner

So this one actually is from Superstars, as Skinner spits his chaw in Warrior’s face and Warrior completely ignores it and tosses him. Back in, shoulderblock, big splash, goodbye at 1:35.

Ultimate Warrior v. Brian Knobbs

Holy shit what a lazy compilation this is. Another one from Superstars, the infamous Shango curse match, as Warrior gets double-teamed by the Nasty Boys outside and then comes back to beat Knobbs with the shoulderblock and big splash in 3:40.

Ultimate Warrior & Undertaker v. Berzerker & Papa Shango

Aha! Now here’s the nightmarish tag team match we’ve all been waiting to finally see. As soon as I started doing the Superstars rants people were quipping “LOL they should do Warrior & Undertaker v. Berzerker & Papa Shango it wud suck LOL” and yeah, here you go. Another Superstars dark match special to close out this shitty tape. Berzerker works Taker over with forearms, but Taker chokes him out in the corner. Berzerker actually dropkicks him to the floor and they brawl out there, which goes badly for Berzerker. Over to Warrior, who hits his staggering array of shoulderblocks and clotheslines, but Shango gets a cheapshot from the apron. The heels work on Warrior, who is only minimally interested in selling anything tonight, and I’m not even saying I blame him. Choke choke, punch punch, kick kick. You have a goddamn psychotic Viking teaming with a voodoo master and the best they can come up with is holding the guy in the corner and punching him to get heat? Warrior finally backdrops Berzerker to the floor in a stunning burst of irony completely ignored by the announcers and it’s hot tag Undertaker, who seems even less enthused than Warrior. To be fair, that’s his gimmick, but still. Warrior comes in and clotheslines both doofus heels and finishes Berzerker with the big splash at 7:40 so everyone can go home for the night. Call it ½*. What’s really disappointing is that it wasn’t even batshit crazy terrible like it could have been, it was just a boring dark match main event phoned in by all four guys and stuck on a $10 Coliseum video.

Well, if I’m testing out my new recommendation system of Burn It / Avoid It / Skim It / Watch It / Binge It, this one definitely gets BURN IT. Hogan-Warrior is available in proper form a million other places and the rest is a total waste of time.