The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 07.11.92
Taped from Hamilton, ON
Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Mr. Perfect. It’s NATIONAL NUDE DAYS. Hold on, Arrested Development break…
The Legion of Doom v. Barry Hardy & Kerry Davis
So yeah, this happened…
Vince makes sure to stress that Rocko is a TOUGH dummy and not a wussy one like Howdy Doody. Because the LOD would only play with a tough one as kids, you see. So the LOD squashes the jobbers with the usual routine while Ellering does a ventriloquism routine at ringside, and the Doomsday Device finishes at 2:00. “It’s over!” declares Vince. No. No it’s not, you senile lunatic.
UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE! BROUGHT TO YOU BY ICOPRO!
Our topic this week is the Mountie, who carries around his “Great American Scream Machine” despite the punitive action threatened by Jack Tunney. Well clearly Tunney is showing favoritism to his fellow Canadians. And that’s all we got this week. Did they really devote that segment to trying to make “Great American Scream Machine” a thing? That’s pretty ridiculous, since you’re not gonna scream if you’re being electrocuted. Maybe that’s what they called Tammy after the legendary deal with Ahmed Johnson.
Shawn Michaels v. Chico Martinez
Shawn hits Chico with a high knee, but Martinez gets his own shot to the face, which just angers HBK. Shawn, meanwhile, is still hyping the IC title feud with Bret as we continue meandering to Summerslam with no direction evident yet. Superkick and teardrop suplex finish at 1:45. Funny because at the time I was sufficiently pumped for Summerslam, so they must have done a hell of a job hyping it for the month and a half they used.
Event Center! Rick Martel has had those fucking feathers for like two months now…why doesn’t Tatanka DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT? How hard is it to take them off a hat? Or why not just go out and club a bald eagle to death and get some new ones? Do I have to think of everything?
Also, Virgil is still throwing out his sad open challenges to the heels. “Kamala! You like to splash on people, well try to splash on me, if you can catch me!” Strong words there, Virgil. But I’m thinking he’ll take the Undertaker payday instead for some reason.
TRIBUTE TO THE MACHO MAN! So yeah, it’s a video tribute to the guy who is still World champion last I checked and not retired and/or dead, so…OK then. We’re really flailing around for time filling content this week. If you want to watch Savage dropping a billion elbows on dudes, this was your video.
The Undertaker v. Bruce Mitchell
The fact that they’re using Mitchell for another week leads me to think they’re not ribbing the newsletter writer because usually that kind of thing is a one-shot deal. Taker immediately chokeslams the poor geek and goes Old School, or as he called it at the time, School. Tombstone and we’re out at 1:40. This brings out the Berzerker, who is apparently still a thing that’s happening. Fuj the Stooge throws salt in Bearer’s eyes to get rid of him and tries to steal the urn, but Taker saves and no-sells all of Berzerker’s offense, sending the heels running like cowards. Fuj throws more salt at Undertaker on the way out, and he no-sells that as well. Well that wasn’t exactly the hot angle that the attempted murder from a few weeks back was, but I think next week is pretty much a hard reset on all the storylines anyway.
Event Center! Skinner is sick of that Jack Tunney guy constantly fining him and threatening to fire him, but he ripped a tooth out of a gator while it was still alive and he can handle Tunney, too. Sean Mooney deadpans “Skinner has never been known for being vague” in one of the funniest lines of the show. I’ve really come to appreciate Mooney over the years.
Tito Santana v. Dwayne Gill
Tito uses his cape to evade the charging Gill, just like a bull. OH! HE’S A MATADOR! GET IT? Now of course I’m saddened that the career paths of Tito and Mantaur never crossed, because Tito would be the only person perfectly suited to stopping him. Pace with Extra Picante finishes at 1:43. Keep on collecting that paycheque, Tito.
Kamala joins Mean Gene for our feature interview of the week, which shows you how little this episode has going on. Gene tells off Harvey, so Kamala forces him to kneel and beg for forgiveness.
Tatanka v. The Dublin Destroyer
Dammit, I should have reviewed this episode on Sunday. Tatanka chops the Destroyer down and drops an elbow, then goes up with a flying chop and Papoose to Go at 2:00.
WBF BODYSTARS! You’ve gotta want it! “It” being “steroids”, of course.
Nailz v. Rick Johnson
Nailz attacks in the corner and chokes him out. “There’s no crowd response here at all!” notes Vince. I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments. Choke, choke, choke from Nailz and another choke finishes at 2:00. And then he chokes Johnson out some more after the match. Vince thinks Jack Tunney should do something about this. Apparently Tunney can’t even discipline Skinner according to the previous Event Center, so I don’t think he’ll be dealing with this psycho. Maybe someone should just, I dunno, call his PAROLE OFFICER?!?
Hold on a sec…
Money Inc. v. Bobby Perez & Angel Vega
Why has IRS never set his tax cheating sights on Vince McMahon’s independent contractor designations? WWE has saved MILLIONS in taxes over the years by not granting employee status. Million Dollar Dream finishes at 1:30.
Meanwhile, Razor Ramon enjoys a delicious meal, and he thinks all the people in the WWF who are putting him down are AFRAID of him. And then the poor waiter tries to bring him a bill. “What’s next, mang, you think I’m gonna mop the floor for you? Maybe I’ll pick the food out of your teeth for you?” What a jerk that guy was. People will be lining up around the street if they see Razor eating in that shithole restaurant and you’re gonna ask him to PAY? He’s like Dick Beyer in Japan, but he doesn’t need to hide his face behind a mask. He’s more handsome than 10 movie stars, I’ve heard.
NEXT WEEK: We finally get a Summerslam main event announced!