The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars–07.04.92

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 07.04.92

Taped from Hamilton, ON

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Mr. Perfect. I’m sure the theme of Perfect’s corny dad jokes for this week’s show should be obvious.

High Energy v. Bob Bradley & Joe Milano

No truth to the rumor that Joe Milano moved to Japan and became Milano Collection AT. Owen hits the uber pasty white guy Milano with an enzuigiri and controls Bradley with a hiptoss, and over to Koko for some dropkicks. We get an inset from the Nasty Boys, who declare the babyfaces to be HIGH FLYING BOZOS. Luckily, before I can gasp with shock at that savage as fuck burn, Owen finishes with a missile dropkick at 1:52.

UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE! BROUGHT TO YOU BY COLISEUM VIDEO!

Time for an update on the condition of the Big Bossman, although I’m not gonna lie, I’m still a little shook up by the High Flying Bozos remark. Owen Hart had FEELINGS, dammit. I mean, not Koko, because he was so coked up that he probably didn’t even know his own name unless it was written on his underwear, but think about Owen. Anyway, Gene declares the Bossman’s beating to be the WORST IN WWF HISTORY. What about Hulk Hogan’s divorce? That was pretty one-sided. So we watch the beating again, and Gene does a phone interview with Bossman, who is unwilling to let trash like Nailz disrupt the law order and justice in the WWF. And he’ll be back sooner than Nailz thinks. Um, was he sending the man a timeline or something?

Rick Martel v. Jason Knight

HOT DAMN! Yes, it’s the TV debut of ECW’s future Sexiest Man Alive, ironically a gimmick completely ripping off Rick Martel. Martel drops knees on Jason, who gets a quick bodypress for two before Martel takes him down with a gut wrench. Meanwhile, Vince is very excited for the new timeslot of WBF Bodystars, which is moving to Saturday morning at 10:00am. And we get to see the championship winning performance of Gary Strydom! Way to sink the PPV replay. No wonder it flopped with business tactics like that. Also, Lex Luger will be on the show, apparently. Wasn’t he still in the hospital after the motorcycle accident? Jason gets another hope spot with a monkey flip, but Martel blocks him and finishes with the crab at 2:33. Jason had a good look even in 1992 and I’m surprised he never got a serious look from Vince.

The WWF Fan Club! Get…stuff…of some kind. But the music is funky, at least!

Crush v. Kerry Davis

OK, now Crush has his badass theme and that should help immensely in getting him over. Vince credits Crush’s physique to a strict dietary regimen and ICOPRO. I feel like that’s a contradictory statement. Crush with a press slam and legdrop and he goes up with a clubbing forearm from the top and then finishes with the TEMPLE MASSAGE OF DOOM at 1:37.

Papa Shango v. Joe McMullen

OK, what’s the gimmick this week, I wonder? The jobber has no gimmicks with him that I can see, so Shango just uses good old voodoo to make the jobber grab his knee in pain. Even voodoo works left in North America, I should point out. Shango works the knee and hits a powerbomb, and then finishes with a shoulderbreaker at 1:17. Wait, wait…he knew he was going to finish the man with a shoulderbreaker, but he cursed the KNEE? He needs to go down to NXT and learn some voodoo psychology. Who was agenting that dark magic?

Event Center sees Kerry Von Erich telling off all the people who question how they work night after night on the road, seemingly without rest. GEE I WONDER. WHAT MIRACULOUS SUBSTANCE COULD GIVE PEOPLE THAT MUCH ENERGY FOR WORKING OUT. We also get a promo from Ric Flair to perk up the segment.

Sgt. Slaughter v. Barry Hardy

Slaughter hits Hardy with knees and a gutbuster, as Vince gives Mountie high praise by noting that he is “capable of mixing it up in roughhouse fashion”. That’s Hall of Fame credentials in Vince’s world. Cobra clutch finishes at 2:00.

NOW AVAILABLE! AT VIDEO STORES ALL OVER THE WORLD! The WBF Championship! It doesn’t specify which KIND of video stores that it’s available in. But it’s likely ones for a very specific clientele judging by the cover. If you smell what the Rock is cooking. If you get what I’m laying down there. Wink wink. Nudge nudge. Say no more.

Repo Man is here for a special interview with Mean Gene, having repossessed a 10 speed bike from a 15 year old kid who couldn’t make payments. Who the fuck is giving credit to a minor? I think maybe the Repo Man is lying about the legality of his repossession there. I believe he might have just stolen that bike. I have no proof, but the math just doesn’t work out. In fact it probably doesn’t even have 10 speeds.

Bret Hart v. Barry Horowitz

Bret with the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM almost immediately and then hits a pair of slams and finishes with the Sharpshooter at 2:05.

Meanwhile, Razor Motherfucking Ramon walks the streets as the only real man in a world of children and bambinas. WHILE WEARING THIS SHIRT.

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Some shithead vendor gets up in his grill about taking a piece of fruit without paying for it, so Razor SPITS IT IN HIS FACE, like a real man. DON’T YOU KNOW WHO THIS MAN IS? He’s more handsome than 10 movie stars, I’ve heard! Just look at that fucking shirt! God damn, give this man the World title before he even debuts!

The Beverly Brothers v. Scott Taylor & Phil Apollo

I have to say, given that the Legion of Doom is now carrying a dummy around as of last week, the Legion of Sissies thing is showing some merit. Blake drops elbows on Apollo, and Beau slugs away on little baby Scotty 2 Hotty before they finish with the Shaker Heights Spike or whatever the finisher is called at 1:30. Scotty gets the paint job and mohawk wig for this week’s humiliation, but considering Scotty is still getting indy dates for good money 30 years later and both Bevs are long out of the business after fading into obscurity, I’d say he got the last laugh.

NEXT WEEK: Money Inc, Shawn Michaels, Undertaker, Nailz and the LOD! Hopefully they’ll have a puppet with them. Really helps me relate to them.