The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat–03.28.99


The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat – 03.28.99

Live from Philly, as we are at WRESTLEMANIA 15.

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Kevin Kelly

Vince McMahon and the Big Show join us to start, and here’s a SHOCKING ANNOUNCEMENT for the WWF title match tonight: It’s NO DISQUALIFICATION. Oh my god! When has that ever happened before in the history of pro wrestling? Big Show, who by the way did a clean job to Steve Austin on RAW last week, wants to address Mrs. Foley because he’s going to beat Mick so badly that she won’t recognize him when he gets home. It’s extra lame having Show do a promo about how violent and dangerous the match is going to be, when they ended up going out and doing a 4 minute nothing match with a DQ finish. Also, Show likes killing snakes and making boots out of them. Must be a fan of Whacking Day. Nothing like Big Show doing a 10 minute promo to really get the crowd fired up for Wrestlemania!

Meanwhile, Vince tells Pat Patterson to watch Stephanie (who debuted on RAW) while Big Show guards the door, waiting for Steve Austin to arrive. Vince doesn’t really want his main event jeopardized, though, so he’s hoping Show can maybe limit the horrific damage a bit.

Ivory v. Jacqueline

Ivory seemingly lost her gear and had to fashion a bikini out of the material in her scarf tonight. Jacqueline takes her down with a fireman’s carry slam for two, but Ivory comes back with legdrops and a powerslam for two. Jackie with a backdrop suplex for the pin out of nowhere at 1:25, however. And then Terri comes in and rubs a lit cigar in Ivory’s face for some reason. That’s a little uncalled for. Did she post a mean tweet about PMS or something?

Meanwhile, DX arrives.

The Mean Street Posse is in the front row tonight, including the mysterious Willie Green, who is just a guy now. What a weird storyline that whole thing was.

DX is out for a bunch of dick jokes disguised as a promo.

Meanwhile, the Rock runs through his catchphrases and bitches about the crowd singing along with his catchphrases. They had no chance of stopping him from being the biggest babyface in wrestling at that point.

Tag team invitational battle royal:

So the last two people left in this parade of geeks team up to challenge for the tag titles on the PPV. We’ve got Godfather, Steve Blackman, D-Lo Brown, Test, Droz, Viscera, Mideon, Faarooq, Bradshaw, The Legion of Doom (randomly returning after the whole suicide angle debacle, with Paul Ellering!), Gillberg, the Hardy Boyz, Public Enemy, Too Cool, and maybe more during the break, who cares. TPE gets thrown out by everyone right away of course. In the Observer, Dave describes this as a “Titanic battle royal” because it’s everyone overboard as fast as they can. And yeah, it’s just random guys flying over the top in rapid fire manner with no rhyme or reason and no one’s taking bumps or doing anything. Owen Hart on commentary calls Tiger Ali Singh “a popular Hindu performer” and that’s about the only notable thing as they rush through this and suddenly it’s just D-Lo Brown and Test left, so that’s it at 4:15. That’s pretty fucking random. They couldn’t have just done D-Lo & Godfather if Mark Henry was injured? This was seriously one of the worst battle royals I’ve ever seen.

Hey, let’s recap the Undertaker v. Vince McMahon storyline again.

Big Bossman is out to offer last minute threats to Undertaker before Hell in the Cell, but Undertaker turns out the lights and sends out the Brood to do his dirty work and give Bossman a blood bath.

And we get another look at the video package from the beginning of the show, featuring the beer bath and Big Show job from Monday’s RAW.

Meanwhile, Mankind arrives and lips off Big Show, so they brawl backstage while Steve Austin sneaks in behind Show’s back. HE HAD ONE JOB!

Don’t even bother with this one.