The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 06.27.92
Taped from Hamilton, ON
Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Mr. Perfect. No wacky holiday, so Perfect lists all the famous people from Hamilton, like George Hamilton, Alexander Hamilton, and famous skating legend Dorothy Hamilton.
The British Bulldog v. Nick Danger
That is an amazing jobber name for a guy who looks like a ripped Johnny V. Bulldog gets a hiptoss and slam and follows with the delayed suplex while we get an inset from Bulldog promising to take Repo Man to obedience school. OK, this is getting too weird now, what with the people choking each other with ropes, and domino masks, and obedience training. Powerslam finishes at 2:20.
UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE! BROUGHT TO YOU BY ICOPRO!
Hey, let’s talk about Tatanka, who recently visited an Indian reservation (while dressed in his wrestling gear, I should note) and stopped for personal reflection. Then gave the kids a speech about having his eagle feathers stolen by Rick The Model Martel. And then went YEE YEE YEE YEE, of course. Oh man, if I was Rick Martel, I’d be pissing myself with fear now! Hopefully it was warm out while poor Tatanka walked around in nothing but a loincloth and his underwear for hours.
The Nasty Boys v. Rick Johnson & Chico Martinez
Johnson looks like a 7 foot tall version of surfer Sting. Why would they have this guy working as enhancement? He dwarfs both Nasties. The Nasties beat him down and Knobs drops elbows on him and follows with a bulldog, then we get the Pit Stop while High Energy do an inset that’s so obnoxious that even Perfect is just like “Shut UP!” Yeah, not sure how those idiotic coked up promos from Koko are supposed to get them over as babyfaces, exactly. They have LOTS OF ENERGY. We fucking get it already. Sags finishes Chico with the Shitty Elbow at 2:44.
Meanwhile, in Florida, Razor Ramon continues to work on his Tony Montana impression and boots some clingy chica to the curb. Get off Razor’s jock, lady, he’s trying to cut a promo here!
Virgil v. Glen Ruth
Virgil is apparently “a prime example of what drug free is all about in the WWF”. Doing jobs in opening matches for geeks? I’d take the drugs. Virgil hits a sick german suplex on Ruth out of the corner, dropping the poor bastard right on his head, and then clotheslines him to the floor and follows with a dive onto him. Holy cow, calm down. Back in, he slugs away and finishes with the Russian legsweep at 2:02.
Event Center, WITH SEAN MOONEY.
The Natural Disasters are YELLING. THEY WANT THE TAG TITLES SO MUCH THAT THEY JUST HAVE TO YELL AT THE CAMERA ABOUT IT.
The Berzerker v. Bruce Mitchell
Oh come on, that’s gotta be a rib, right? Berzerker ties him in the ropes and hits him with running boots, then hits the powerslam and legdrop, and another powerslam before throwing “Bruce” out of the ring for the countout at 2:30.
Meanwhile, the Legion of Doom re-visit Chicago and tour a demolished building. What this building was or why they were touring this building is never established, but that’s not important, apparently. In fact, the only thing left is…a ventriloquist’s dummy. Oh FUCK ME. The cameraman makes sure to get a good shot of Paul Ellering noticing the dummy under the wreckage, because that’s clearly the first thing you’d notice while you’re walking around a demolished building. Paul declares that finding this dummy, named Rocko, is the BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED and he’s going to bring it to the ring for every match so they’ll never forget their past and how they used to share all their feelings with this stupid doll. These poor fuckers might as well have just quit on the spot because it’s all over for them now and they might as well do paid shows for cereal executives. There’s no coming back from that one.
Nailz v. J.A. Gooden
Nailz runs the jobber into the corner and punts the ribs a few times, then chokes him out and finishes with the choke sleeper at 1:18.
Texas Tornado v. Dwayne Gill
DRUG FREE LIVING IN THE WWF! At this point, 45 minutes into the show, Vince finally corrects Perfect that there is no famous skater named “Dorothy Hamilton”. They mostly talk about TWO TIME WBF champion Gary Strydom, from Hamilton, South Africa. Discus punch finishes Gill at 1:30.
Kamala v. John Blade
Vince and Perfect do a weird bit where they riff on how Kamala should star in a Tarzan movie, with Jane Fonda as Jane, and then Ted Turner could be Kimchee. OK then. Big splash finishes at 1:35.
Good lord this show.