The SmarK Rant for WWE Network Hidden Gems–The BATTLE OF BREAKFAST CEREAL

The SmarK Rant for WWE Network Hidden Gems – The Battle of Breakfast Cereal!

Taped from Min…

Wait, WHAT?!  The Battle of BREAKFAST CEREAL?!?

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Do I want this in my space?

Taped from the Hyatt Hotel in Minneapolis.

Your host is Larry Nelson

I don’t even know where to start with this. So this is from May 1 1989, and it’s an AWA show that appears to be taped for a Kelloggs business meeting. This might be the craziest thing ever put on the Network, which includes Southpaw Regional Wrestling, because no one had even heard of this insanity before it debuted today.

I mean, I know it’s been said that wrestling is best when it’s a serial drama, but I think Verne may have misinterpreted that saying.

The theme for the show is babyface Kelloggs wrestlers taking on heel General Mills wrestlers. So ring announcer Dale Gagner brings out each pairing to start and does the introductions, which gives us the awesome visual of Col. DeBeers (playing “The General”, presumably last name “Mills”) elbowdropping a box of Kelloggs cereal to draw heel heat. In fact, all the heel heat from the General Mills Gang is based on boxes of cereal, either smashing Kelloggs brand cereals or holding up General Mills brand cereals.

So this brings out a Kelloggs representative who gives a motivational speech to the salespeople about they’re going to take out Honey Nut Cheerios with “Nut and Honey Crunch O’s”. Yeah, I think General Mills won that particular battle. I literally had no idea that breakfast cereal sales were such a contentious issue, but these guys are apparently fired up about it.

THE MELEE IN MINNEAPOLIS: Total the Terrible (Mike Enos) v. Nutra Rockne (Ricky Rice? Tommy Jammer?)

I feel like someone missed an opportunity to have Ricky Rice Krispies as a name, but I always get the blond surfer guys mixed up from the AWA so I’m not 100% sure which one this guy is. Regardless, Total is of course proudly representing the vile forces of Total cereal, as opposed to the babyface Nutra-Grain representative. Total gets a couple of slams, but Rockne comes back with his own slams and a dropkick, as he is, and I’m quoting here, “energized by the vitamins and minerals in Nutra-Grain cereal”. But does the fibre in it make him shit? Nutra with a hiptoss out of the corner and a running powerslam for two. Rockne finishes with the big splash at 3:10, leaving the streets safe for Kellogg’s employees to roam again, free from the threat of vicious gangs of General Mills cereal reps.

More motivational speeches! Another Kellogg’s sales rep lets us in on the war plan, because we’re TIRED of those fucking General Mills assholes trashing Kellogg’s in their advertising and those GODDAMN trade allowances! DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THAT SHIT! This is just like Vince McMahon v. Ted Turner, but with Cheerios. “Don’t bother turning to the other cereal aisle, the rabbit doesn’t get the Trix”.

TERROR IN THE TWIN CITIES: Hondo the Honeybee Haymaker (Wayne Bloom) v. Mr. Oat-portunity (Derrick Dukes)

Hondo’s big heel heat is holding up a box of Honey Nut Cheerios and yelling “WE’RE MORE NUTRITIOUS!” This is what you’re getting into with this show. Still better than Baron Corbin matches. Hondo works an extended headlock while Larry Nelson tells us about the energy Dukes derives from all the oat-y goodness of Kellogg’s cereals. Hondo does a lot of choking as we suddenly cut to the 8:00 mark and Hondo goes up and hits Mr. Oat with a box of Cheerios, which is of course no-sold. He then uses the POWER OF OATS to go up and finish with a flying shoulderblock at 4:31 aired.

THE BRAWL NEAR ST. PAUL: The General (Col. DeBeers) v. Dr. K (Wahoo McDaniel)

I’m disappointed we didn’t another motivational speech in between matches so I could hear more about the General Mills shitheads and what a bunch of assholes they are. Dr. K, representing American values like mom, apple pie and a balanced breakfast, puts The General down with chops and works a wristlock. I’m saddened to note that DeBeers couldn’t even switch his usual gear to a General Mills theme. Nelson does get a funny line when he notes that the General just got out of the brig for trying to drown Captain Crunch. The General gets a cheapshot on Dr. K and gives him the rope burn and various short punches behind the ref’s back, but K makes the comeback with more chops and they slug it out, which leads to the ref getting bumped. This allows The General to pull a foreign object out of his box of cereal (I think we can all remember digging for the pair of brass knuckles in our Cheerios!), but the heroic Sales & Marketing tag team run in and take out the General with a double dropkick, and revive the ref, allowing Dr. K to hit the General with a big chop, the Special K if you will, for the pin at 6:21. I’m disappointed that The General didn’t go on a rant about chocolate-flavored cereals being inferior.

One last motivational speech for all the boys in Kellogg’s fighting the good fight, and then it’s time for the MAIN EVENT!

THE RILE IN THE AISLE: The Mills Brothers (Pat Tanaka & Paul Diamond) v. Sales & Marketing (Greg Gagne & Tom Zenk)

Zenk works on Tanaka with armdrags, but Gagne comes in and misses a dropkick, allowing the Mills Brothers to take over with help from that fucking General. Luckily, Greg is able to find a box Nut & Honey Crunch and gets the energy he needs to make a comeback, but sadly the ref doesn’t see the tag. Perhaps he needs some cereal to help his eyesight. We get some sales rep humor from Larry Nelson, as he notes “The Mills Brothers aren’t very smart, they think Scantrack is a scenic train route”. I’m assuming that if I was a cereal sales rep, that would be FUCKING HILARIOUS. Zenk finally gets the hot tag and they put Diamond on the floor with a double dropkick and Zenk finishes Tanaka with a flying bodypress at 6:00.

You might as well shut down the Network right now, because they’re NEVER topping this one.

Also, not the worst wrestling show I’ve ever watched.  Not recommended for the lactose intolerant, of course, but it’s a fun hour for everyone else.