The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 06.13.92
Last week was far too dull. Hopefully someone pukes on someone else or tries to commit murder or something to spice things up again. My time is valuable!
Taped from Lexington, KY, the HORSE CAPITAL OF THE WORLD. That’s fitting because this show is horseshit 90% of the time.
Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Mr. Perfect
Tatanka v. Barry Horowitz
Tatanka with a hiptoss and dropkick as Vince reiterates that the red hair is “symbolic of the blood of all Native Americans”. Including Wahoo McDaniel? Because he probably didn’t have much blood left to give at that point in his career. And what about fake Native Americans like Chief Jay Strongbow? Is he represented by the symbolic blood? Tatanka finishes with a flying chop and Papoose to Go at 2:20.
UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND!
This week’s Update is brought to you by the WWF Merchandise Catalog, aka the world’s greatest scam to collect contact information for their mailing list. Anyway, speaking of scammers, let us take you back to last week when Mean Gene himself felt like the voodoo wrath of Papa Shango and spewed black stuff from his jacket. So we get a rebuttal from the ULLLLLLLLLLTIMATE Warrior and I have no fucking clue what his point was. I guess he’s a skeleton or something? How do you even give this maniac bullet points to hit? “OK, so you’re going to stress how Papa Shango is rending the flesh from your body with his dark magical powers and leaving you a living skeleton walking the earth. Also put something in about the WBF Championship PPV if you have time.”
Shawn Michaels v. Graig Brown
Who the fuck spells it “Graig”? Were his parents torn between “Greg” and “Craig” and decided to split the difference? What a jerk. Shawn with a dropkick and superkick on the confused jobber and the teardrop suplex finishes at 1:40. Shawn is still after Bret Hart’s IC title at this point, for those keeping track.
Event Center with Sean Mooney!
We get the same damn Repo Man promo we’ve had about three weeks in a row now. Oh, and Kerry Von Erich has rededicated his life to JESUS CHRIST.
Meanwhile, MOTHERFUCKING RAZOR RAMON is on the way. He’s from the gutter and he’s got no education, but he’s got the GOLD and the clothes and he’s seen Scarface 8 million times.
The Natural Disasters v. The Executioners
The Executioners try bodyslams on the Disasters and that goes badly for them, as Quake tosses “Pain” and Typhoon hits “Agony” with a backbreaker and tosses him around the ring. I feel like these guys would fit in well on the roster, what with all the attempted murders going on every week. At least they’re professionals! Pain tries to clothesline both Disasters at the same time and he goes flying off that, and Quake finishes Agony with the butt splash into the Shockmaster splash at 3:00. And the director cuts to the crowd to show all the happy fans, and we get this old couple…
They don’t look very happy. Probably Money Inc. fans.
Meanwhile, Skinner doesn’t know if it’s “Crush” or “Crunch” but he’s got some time in between beating up alligators so BRING IT ON.
The Mountie v. Bill Koby
Mountie hangs Koby in the Tree of Woe as Slaughter does an inset promo about Sunday is Flag Day, and how that doesn’t mean much to Mountie. Well of course not, moron, he’s CANADIAN. He’s wearing a damn Canadian police uniform and everything! Mountie finishes with a dropkick at 1:30 and then bullies the jobber with his Electric Dildo of Doom until the poor guy runs away.
Tonight! On PPV! The WBF Championship is decided as Vince makes sure to have a supply of Kleenex ready!
Meanwhile, Mean Gene chats with Randy Savage in an empty arena, which will apparently be standing room only in just a few hours. Why, is there a rock concert or monster truck show or something that’s actually selling tickets coming there after they leave?
Anyway, Randy quotes Bon Jovi and he’s gonna retain his title against Ric Flair.
Kamala v. Dale Wolfe
Kamala stomps Wolfe down and chokes him out on the ropes while Vince and Perfect have a racially sensitive discussion about how everyone from Uganda is likely a jungle-dwelling savage.
Maybe Vince should watch “Green Book”. Big splash finishes at 1:24.
Tito Santana v. Mike Samples
Just a reminder that the WBF is setting the standard for drug-free competition. And Lex Luger will be there, a man who was once busted by police for having a closet full of steroids. Tito is banking on THE GIANT KILLER, Danny Padilla, to walk away with the WBF crown tonight as Pace with Extra Picante finishes at 1:30.
Meanwhile, Mr. Perfect calls Big Bossman on the phone, and he’s going to be back, despite looking like this…
Mr. Perfect calls him stupid and hangs up on him. Heck of a makeup job, though.
Nailz v. Ron Cumberledge
Nailz with the kneelift in the corner and he chokes away and then finishes with a standing choke at 1:00 and further beats on him with the nightstick. “This man does not belong in a ring!” declares Vince. I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments.
Well, there was no Beverly Brothers promo where they call out the Legion of Sissies this week, but you can’t have everything.