The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat–03.14.99

The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat – 03.14.99

So yeah, on RAW, Undertaker tried to sacrifice the Big Bossman on a giant cross and got arrested as a result, which seems like some kind of religious persecution to me. Also, Rock lets us know that Paul Wight apparently carries a card that declares him to be a roody poo candy ass. Why would he want to carry that kind of ID? No wonder he changed his name.

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Your hosts are Kevin Kelly and Shane McMahon, so I guess the glorious Year of the Rooster has come to an end already.

Vince McMahon joins us to start, and a graphic informs us that there was technical issues with this show, just as the sound breaks up in ugly fashion. Duly noted. Thankfully it’s just a temporary glitch. So Vince introduces Paul Wight as “The Big Show” and that’s that. Sadly, Undertaker is under arrest and unable to attend the show tonight, and Rock is on a private jet headed to the arena RIGHT NOW. But once he gets here, Vince will be happy to clarify the relationship between Rock and Big Show and smooth things over. Next, Mankind joins us and Vince thanks him for basically doing his dirty work in the name of getting the shot as referee at Wrestlemania. But Vince always upholds his word, and he promises that Mick will 100% be the referee, as long as he can beat Big Show in a singles match earlier in the show. So instead of two guest referees, now it’s one, because SWERVE. Mick even calls him out for the “swerve”! Mick goes for revenge for this betrayal, but Big Show attacks him and lays him out.

We take a break and return with Mick chasing off Shane from the desk and DEMANDING a match with Big Show tonight.

Test v. D-Lo Brown

And Mick continues his rampage, attacking Test on the way back to the dressing room. And before the match can start, X-Pac joins us for commentary duties to complete the trainwreck. D-Lo attacks Test and hits him with a leg lariat and legdrop, at which point Shane reappears, tosses the European title to Test, and then X-Pac runs in for the DQ at 0:53. An epic confrontation to kick off the sports entertainment portion of the program!

Meanwhile, Mick is looking for Paul Wight, who is turns out is chatting with Vince McMahon somewhere else.

Al Snow v. Droz

And then Mick comes out AGAIN, this time attacking Snow and laying him out with a chair. This gives us a funny bit where Shane hides behind Kevin Kelly, calmly telling him “Sssh! He can’t see me, don’t worry about it.” Droz also tastes the wrath of Foley’s chair, which gives us a reply from Vince on the Titantron, warning him not to press the issue and just wait until Wrestlemania.

Val Venis & Hardcore Holly v. The New Age Outlaws

Holly is selling some kind of indeterminate head injury on the way to the ring, which apparently resulted from a Mankind chairshot coming out of the break that was cut from this episode. They leave a Coast Guard commercial in there but cut that out? I don’t even know why I’m bothering to start the timer, but the Outlaws attack to start and then Val literally pins Road Dogg with a german suplex at 0:13. So then Road Dogg gets all upset and challenges Val to a title match on RAW tomorrow night. He got pinned in THIRTEEN SECONDS! How does that even make sense? And then Billy challenges Holly for the Hardcore title.

Meanwhile, Mick heads to the dressing room and beats up the Hardy Boyz and…hold on a second, who’s THIS geek with them?


Really cool ankh symbol there, buddy. What a jobber. Vince was probably like “THAT’S my Higher Power? I’ll just do it myself.”

Meanwhile, Michael Cole chats with Public Enemy and brings up rumors that “some people don’t want them here”. Before they can answer, the Brood attacks and continues delivering that message. Well you know, when you need a shooter, call Edge and/or Christian. Maybe they’ll do a humorous parody of the team on their show and REALLY hit ‘em where it hurts.

Meanwhile, Bart Gunn is in hard training for Butterbean at Wrestlemania. “Butterbean has no defense” notes Bart’s trainer. CALL MY BOOKIE! I want to put $100 on Bart right now!

Tiger Ali Singh joins us to make fun of Jim Ross, and offers $500 to anyone who will do an impression of JR. Complete with cowboy hat. So guess who he fucking calls out of the audience?


Yup. ED FERRERA. So this gives us the historic debut of Oklahoma, right here on Heat, before the real JR and Steve Williams come out and Doc lays waste to both geeks. Say it with me: This went nowhere.

So then Ross cuts a promo about how he’s constantly being disrespected, and then to prove his point, we cut to the back during the promo, where Vince sends Big Show out to get JR out of the ring and beat up Dr. Death if so desired. And then once Show gets there, Rock interrupts and they get into a brawl before Mankind saves the Rock with his magic chair. And then Show chokeslams Mick on the chair, and Steve Austin comes out for the closing promo while you hear the director yelling “ONE MINUTE! ONE MINUTE!” at Steve and Big Show shakes the ring to end the show.

Well that was quite the final segment. You sure can’t say nothing happened on this one, even as the dumpster fire booking continues unabated.