The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars–05.30.92

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 05.30.92

Taped from Syracuse, NY, apparently the most batshit insane set of TV tapings ever filmed.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Mr. Perfect, just in time for Dairy Month. Of course, Perfect has a laundry list of milk-related puns for the Shango-Warrior situation.

The Legion of Doom v. Kato & Rich Mitchell

I wonder why Paul Diamond was still doing the Kato gimmick at this point? Hold on, this musing has been interrupted by Vince McMahon shilling ICOPRO for the first time, claiming that Paul Ellering helps them maintain their physique with the ICOPRO system. Wait, ICOPRO came in injectable format, right? Or did Hawk just snort it right out of the little plastic scoop and hope for the best? And then we get a drop-in from the Beverlies who again stress that the LOD are sissies, and THAT INCLUDES YOU, PAUL ELLERING. As catchphrases go, I’ve heard better. This is the squash that keeps on giving. Doomsday Device finishes Mitchell at 1:48.

UPDATE! WITH GENE OKERLUND!

Yes, let us take you back to Papa Shango and his curse of the Warrior again, because LORD KNOWS we haven’t seen and heard enough about this bullshit already. I mean, if it popped business you can at least justify it, but wasn’t no one paying to see main events with Papa Shango. Anyway, Gene says that “maybe it was simply a case of acute abdominal distress”. I’m no doctor, but you I’m pretty sure you don’t get many simple cases of acute abdominal distress that cause someone to fall off a ring apron in severe pain. Whether it’s voodoo or swallowing a jagged Krusty-O, I’d be pretty concerned. And of course, Warrior was also oozing black stuff last week, and everyone is unremarkably unconcerned about this as well. “Oh well, it’s just voodoo, what can you do?”

Papa Shango v. Bryan Brieger

No match, as Shango goes into a trance and casts a spell, which results in the jobber being instantly knocked out and, uh…

clip_image001

Yeah, he must be a liar, because his boots are on fire. Also, he has the CHOCOLATE SYRUP OF DEATH on his head for good measure. That’s a little excessive. Like, have we studied the long-term effects of voodoo curses? What if two of them at the same time cause cancer or something? Then Papa Shango would look like a real asshole. Either burn the man’s boots or poor Nesquick on his head, but pick a curse and stick to it. But I guess it’s Dairy Month, so he can always go make chocolate milk with the black goo afterwards.

Sean Mooney would like to remind everyone at home not to play with fire. I feel like warning everyone not to perform voodoo without proper training is a more useful tool, but maybe there’s some kind of religious legality involved there where you’d be infringing on people’s freedom by telling them not to do voodoo. Maybe next Vince can come up with a Catholic priest character and Sean can REALLY give the kids at home something not to try.

Sgt. Slaughter v. Bob Bradley

Sarge will be at the Personal Fitness Expo, which is kind of like Ultimate Warrior giving a speech at a mental health symposium. Also, did Vince mention that ICOPRO will be there? Because it’s pretty important for getting in shape. What it does or how much it costs or what it even is, we don’t know and don’t talk about it. BUT YOU GOTTA WANT IT. Cobra clutch finishes at 1:45.

Rick Martel v. Jim Powers

Vince McMahon wants to stress that the WBF is setting the standard for DRUG-FREE COMPETITION. I literally HOWLED with laughter. People say “LOL” but really they’re just chuckling. It’s a good thing I didn’t have a drink handy because I probably would have choked on it in between gasping for breath due to my laughter. Anyway, if the standard is “DRUGS given out for FREE” then I guess you could say he was telling the truth. Martel finishes with the Boston crab at 1:48 as Perfect discusses the impending debut of “The Total Package” Lex Luger. How did WCW not sue just for calling him that? I’m pretty sure they could easily make a case that wrestling fans would be confused into thinking that Lex was going to be wrestling.

The Natural Disasters v. Dwayne Gill & Mike Fury

That’s a great jobber name. Fury gets stomped down and elbowed by Quake, and Typhoon comes in with a corner splash and snap suplex. Then they decide to beat on Gill for some reason and Quake finishes Fury with the butt splash and Typhoon’s big fat splash for good measure at 3:00. Why did Vince bother putting the tag titles on these guys?

Big Bossman v. Dave Roulette

Vince is still dubious about the mysterious convict’s claims against Bossman, even though he did horrible things to Hulk Hogan and a host of others while he was a heel. Bossman slam finishes at 1:00, and then he slaps the poor jobber around despite Vince’s defense of him moments before. And then that gives us the epic debut of NAILZ, who storms out of the corner and beats Bossman down before cuffing him to the ropes and laying into him with the nightstick, kneecapping him multiple times in brutal fashion. So what’s the inside joke behind “902714” on his prison outfit? Because Vince doesn’t just pick numbers at random for stuff like that, it’s gotta be a rib on someone. Speaking of ribs, Nailz cuffs Bossman behind his back and then lays into the ribs with some really ugly stiff kicks. This would be the exact opposite of the cartoonish angles up and down the show, as he just brutally, brutally assaulted the man in graphic fashion. But where’s Sean Mooney to remind the kids at home not to handcuff people and beat them with nightsticks?

The Berzerker v. Jobber whose name I missed with ugly trunks

The announcers completely ignore the match and talk about the beating from Nailz, because Berzerker tried to murder Undertaker with his sword, like three weeks ago, so it’s time to move onto something else, I guess? Berzerker with the usual countout win at 2:00.

Crush is back in the junkyard again, and he apparently eats piles of cars for breakfast. Not even figuratively. Where’s Sean Mooney to warn kids not to attempt to eat cars, huh?

And we finish with the Event Center, featuring Bret Hart throwing out another challenge to Shawn Michaels. And it doesn’t even feature a hanging, a brutal nightstick beating, a voodoo curse causing spontaneous combustion, mutilation via sword, or ICOPRO. Like, who’s gonna pay to watch people WRESTLE?

This show is just the most off-the-wall pure Vince McMahon id that I can possibly imagine, like if he was doing blow in the dressing room and some poor bastard had to stand there taking notes for every crazy idea that came to his drug-addled brain and then they just fucking tried each and every one of them on a single TV taping one after another.