The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars–05.23.92

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 05.23.92

Taped from Syracuse, NY

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Mr. Perfect

The Undertaker v. Bill Pierce

I think it was “Pierce”, although Vince pronounces it more like “Paris”. Whatever, no one cares. Perfect notes that Undertaker will be “six feet under” if Berzerker manages to stab him through with his sword. Yes, he would be dead from having a vital organ ruptured, that is indeed an accurate statement. Pierce tries to attack Undertaker like a complete moron and gets chokeslammed (sort of) and choked out as a result. Meanwhile, in an inset promo, Berzerker promises to stab him with his sword, shove him in a coffin, and then bury him. And KIDS were watching this stuff? I mean, I was in high school by the time this episode aired, but this could really mess up the youth of America. Ropewalk and tombstone finish at 2:21.

UPDATE! WITH GENE OKERLUND!

Yes, two weeks ago Papa Shango cured the Ultimate Warrior, and then last week Warrior was stricken by said curse after a match with a Nasty Boy and puked all over an EMT. Question: Does Steve Austin’s smoking skull belt have any connection to Papa Shango’s smoking skull? Was Steve Austin secretly practicing voodoo all that time? Mean Gene does not buy into “hocus pocus” or believe in the power of Papa Shango, but the evidence for him having evil powers is sure piling up! Hey man, I don’t practise Santeria or need no crystal ball, either. Meanwhile, Papa Shango lets us know that he now owns Warrior’s soul. So…are they gonna have, like, a ladder match for it?

Virgil v. Dwayne Gill

Vince lets us know that Virgil is going to be in attendance at the WBF Championship. Is he gonna be signing autographs at a table? Virgil works the arm and kicks Gill in the back while Vince clarifies that Lex Luger will only be “guest posing” at the WBF event and will not actually be competing against Mike Christian and the other top stars of the WBF. Virgil finishes with his version of the Million Dollar Dream, which I shall dub the Fuck Money, at 1:40.

Money Inc v. Jim Powers & Mark Kay

Powers gets an atomic drop on IRS but then stupidly tags in Kay and he gets killed. Money Inc with the double elbow and Dibiase beats on him in the corner, then hits the powerslam and IRS finishes with the Write Off clothesline at 1:50. I have nothing funny to write about this match.

EVENT CENTER! WITH SEAN MOONEY!

High Energy is on a NATURAL HIGH according to Koko. Yeah, tell that to the guy administering the piss test, pal.

The British Bulldog v. Barry Hardy

Barry makes the claim of being stronger than the Bulldog after winning a lockup battle, but Bulldog quickly gives him a bunch of slams and goes to a chinlock. Delayed suplex while we get an inset of Repo Man threatening to hang Bulldog by the neck with his rope. This is quite the disturbing episode of people trying to murder each other. Hangings, stabbings, voodoo curses…anyway, powerslam finishes at 1:38.

Meanwhile, Ric Flair is tired of Liz calling him on the phone all night and sending telegrams, so he just wants her to know that it’s OVER. So then Perfect plays a tape from Ric’s answering machine (“Wait for the WOO and the beep…WOO!”) and we get a supposed message from Liz about how much she misses him. Well, the photos were clearly doctored, but that was pretty convincing.

The Mountie v. Bobby Knight

OK, Canadian content time: We never got the Mountie theme song in Canada and it was always edited into a generic French horn theme on the Canadian edits of the show or his matches just cut out of the show completely, because of the RCMP’s lawsuit against the WWF. Which is why it was so weird when I first started going online in late 92 and hearing about how people loved his theme song so much, because I had never heard it before. And then the Quebecers were a thing and because they were specifically not claiming to be the Mounties, that song was OK. Mountie with a back elbow and he rams Knight into the turnbuckles, and a dropkick finishes at 1:20. Vince informs us that Jack Tunney will take “punitive action” against Mountie if he ever uses the electric dildo again, which makes no sense because Mountie is the law according to his song, so logically he can’t take punitive action against himself. That’s just silly. Also, add Mountie trying to electrocute people to the list of graphic violence on this horrific show.

The Ultimate Warrior joins Mean Gene for a special interview, and he’s wearing a jacket for some reason. Gee, you think it’s concealing a gimmick? Also, I’m no doctor, but I feel like someone who was given emergency medical attention for abdominal distress caused by voodoo curse shouldn’t be cleared for TV a WEEK later! You can’t just tape that up and work through it. Anyway, Warrior is busy cutting his usual nutty promo, when suddenly …

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Yes, he appears to be oozing BLACK BLOOD from his head. Could this mean the return of Billy Jack Haynes? TUNE INTO NITRO TO FIND OUT!

The Bushwackers v. Vince Sola & The Dublin Destroyer

Wait, wait, I need clarification here: Is he a destroyer FROM Dublin, or a destroyer OF Dublin? We never find out as his partner gets pinned with a battering ram at 1:14.

This week in the WWF Magazine: The story of steroids and what no one else is telling you about them! Specifically the WWF’s own stringent anti-steroid policies!

Hold on a second, just let me grab a drink here…

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Kamala v. Kerry Davis

Kamala chokes the jobber down and pounds away on him and finishes with the big splash at 1:20. You know, I don’t wanna be the guy to say it, but why didn’t anyone go to Kamala and ask for him for help battling the voodoo powers of Papa Shango? I mean, he’s from deepest darkest Africa, right? And he’s obviously painted with magical symbols of power, so clearly he’s got some familiarity with voodoo or some kind of dark arts. Also, speaking of racist stuff, Perfect and Vince consider Kamala a savage because “he doesn’t understand English”. So, like, this is a multi-million dollar company, did no one think to take 10 minutes and find a translator for him? I’m assuming that’s supposed to be Kim Chee, but there’s little evidence he speaks English, either. Basically they’re hiring someone who obviously has no proper work visa and has the intellect of a child judging by his inability to figure out the basic mechanics of a pinfall after a decade in the sport. Damn you, Vince McMahon!

Well, despite the graphic overtones of violence and dark powers in this episode, next week should be a lighter and happier 48 minutes, featuring an update on Ultimate Warrior, and a match featuring the Big Bossman!

…what?