The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat–02.28.99

The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat – 02.28.99

I KNOW, I KNOW. I hate this show so much but I keep going back to it.

Live from Dayton, OH, apparently. This is one is kind of weird because the announcers keep talking about “atmospheric conditions” causing satellite problems, but of course this archived version of the show is perfect quality.

Your hosts are Kevin Kelly & Terry Taylor

Gillberg is on his way to the ring, but Chyna lays him out, along with his entire security force, then beats him up on the way to the ring and beats up his pyro guys as well. Oh man, now no one will take Gillberg seriously as Light heavyweight champion! She’s sick of HHH and wants him in a singles match TONIGHT.

Meanwhile, Shane gives Chyna a peptalk.

Owen Hart & Jeff Jarrett v. Too Much

So the bizarre storyline where Too Much are riding in the bitch seats for DOA continues this week, which ultimately went nowhere. JJ attacks Taylor and gets a powerslam for two, and Owen comes in with a backbreaker and goes to work on the arm. Christopher comes in with a Hart Attack on Owen, ironically, but he dances too much (GET IT?) and Owen hits him with the Owenzuigiri. Jarrett with the dropkick and Owen gets an elbowdrop off a drop toehold, and follows with a leg lariat and Sharpshooter, at which point D-Lo and Ivory head down for the distraction and DOA attacks Owen to set up the Tennessee Jam for the upset win at 4:23. Way overbooked and mostly a squash but at least it had a finish. Afterwards, Ivory has words for Jacqueline and wants a fight right now. So why were they interfering in this match?

Back from a break and continue taking a drink every time Kevin Kelly says “atmospheric conditions”.

Jacqueline v. Ivory

So Ivory is wrestling in her underwear and Jacqueline just comes out in jeans and attacks, slamming Ivory and then missing a flying splash. Ivory gets a DDT for the pin at 1:00.

Meanwhile, Michael Cole tries to interview the Oddities and it’s mostly just George Steele yelling.

Kurrgan v. Undertaker

The Brood are now randomly part of Team Undertaker, which I’m assuming happened on the RAW last week. Oh also, Undertaker apparently burned a teddy bear and Vince McMahon is very upset about it.

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Taker chokeslams and pins Kurrgan with one foot at 0:40. And then the Ministry destroys the Oddities and hopefully writes them off TV in the process if I’m lucky. And then he cuts a promo afterwards promising to destroy Vince McMahon in the name of the mysterious Higher Power. Of course, that literally makes no sense given where it went.

Goldust is here to explain his relationship with the Blue Meanie, as they’ve gone from “bitter rivals” to “bizarre relationship”. When were they even feuding? The one match they had on PPV? So then Goldust does a brutal promo where he declares that he wants to be Meanie’s “mommy” and then pretends to give birth to him on the mat. This was one of the worst promos you’ll ever see on any wrestling show ever.

Meanwhile, Steve Blackman does a promo about a kendo stick match with Droz tomorrow on RAW, but Droz hits him with a kendo stick. The kendo sticker has been kendo sticked by the very person trying to kendo stick him! How ironic.

…kendo stick.

The Hardy Boyz v. The Public Enemy

The Hardyz attack Grunge thanks to the distraction of the Brood making their entrance and standing menacingly at the top of the ramp. Jeff hits Grunge with the Poetry in Motion and Matt elbows Rocco for two, but Jeff misses the Whisper in the Wind and PE takes over. “Lowest dropkick in recorded history by Grunge” notes the Rooster in snarky fashion, which is ironic because he’s the one who brought them in, and they put Matt through a table on the floor and finish him with the Drive-By at 2:05. They actually WON A MATCH?!? Well, then the Brood annihilates them afterwards anyway. I believe they ran into Bradshaw’s strong pimp hand right away.

HHH v. Chyna

Apparently the match is actually going to happen? HHH quickly goes for the Pedigree, but Kane runs in 10 seconds into the “match” and OF COURSE it’s just a bait and switch. So Kane beats him down and puts him down with a tombstone and we’re thankfully done with this horrid show.

Maybe it was the “atmospheric conditions” that gave us such horrific promos and booking.