The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 05.16.92
Good gosh, I know there’s Attitude Era and E&C and all kinds of other stuff I’m behind on, but I just can’t stop going back to this show and I want to binge through it like I did Russian Doll on Monday night. Which is why there wasn’t anything posted Tuesday morning, because HOLY SHITBALLS was that show great.
You know what’s the opposite of great?
Taped from Syracuse, NY, in celebration of National Hamburger Week. What, no commemorative video like we always get for Martin Luther King Day?
Shawn Michaels v. Sonny Blaze
Shawn slugs away on the jobber in the corner and gets a neckbreaker, and then Sherri lures the poor lumpy doofus to the floor with her feminine wiles and Shawn nails him from behind. Back in, Shawn with a superkick out of the corner and finishes with a teardrop suplex at 2:32, which is a marathon squash for this show. Meanwhile, there’s a story about Bret and Shawn in the WWF Magazine called “Separating the Men from the Boys”. Sounds like a police operation on Mel Phillips and Terry Garvin.
Meanwhile, some sadistic fuck replays the Slaughter-Flair match from last week, which is right up there with the famous 1990 JYD match in the pantheon of fucking awful Ric Flair matches. Like, was the Mountie v. Sgt. Slaughter really such a big program that we needed to see this whole thing again? We didn’t even get the Summerslam blowoff! And then it turns out that this was part of the UPDATE! WITH GENE OKERLUND, but the Network edited out the intro for some reason. I’m incredibly confused about the editing of these sometimes.
Tatanka v. Barry Hardy
Hardy preens like he’s Shawn Michaels and Tatanka backdrops him out of the ring, and also has an inset promo where he rants and raves like he’s Ultimate Warrior. Tatanka with a bunch of chops and a flying chop to set up the Papoose to Go at 1:56. “Still undefeated!” notes Vince. Yeah, it was really touch and go there with Barry Hardy.
The WBF Championship 2 is coming in June, but on his voiceover Vince sounds like he’s coming sooner, if you smell what the Rock is cooking.
YEAH! 100% GRADE A BEEF!
Well, it I guess it IS National Hamburger Week according to the intro, so I’ll give him a pass on this one.
The Berzerker v. Scott Taylor
Holy crap, dig young little baby Scotty 2 Hotty here. Was he literally a teenager at this point? OK, MATH TIME! He was born in 73 (which makes him only a year older than me!) so yes, he was a mere 19 years of age at this point. Berzerker drops knees on him, hits a powerslam, and then tosses him to the floor for his customary countout at 1:50.
Meanwhile, that sick psychopath Crush hangs out at the junkyard and runs a car crusher while laughing about it. Is this, like, some weird ASMR thing? Or was it something more sinister, like the body was in the trunk or whatever? Either way, kinda creepy. Just saying.
Repo Man v. Jay Sledge
Vince spends much of the intros hyping the “Personal Fitness Expo” that runs before the WBF PPV disaster, where you can learn all about the latest supplements that athletes from other sports can make use of.
Yeah, like him. Repo finishes with a half crab or kneebar or something at 1:18. Who cares about that, we’ve got a Skinner promo to get to!
So yes, Skinner claims to have personally spit on 85% of the WWF Superstars and now they’re “wearing his brand”. I’m dubious of his math there. I’ve personally never seen him spit on anyone and I’ve seen a lot of wrestling. Much of it from 1992.
Big Bossman v. Glen Ruth
Yes, jobber easter egg #2 for this show, as Bossman beats the pornstache off young Headbanger Thrasher! If only he had put him into retirement in this timeline and spared us years of Headbanger matches. Bossman slam finishes at 1:30, and then the Black Scorpion interrupts his music and informs us that he’s free from jail and coming for the Bossman. I’m no lawyer, but I feel like going on national TV and threatening to exact revenge on someone over the PA system would constitute a parole breach.
Ultimate Warrior v. An Indeterminate Nasty Boy
Shockingly the heel team double-teams Warrior on the floor, before deciding that Knobbs is representing the team in this singles match. The match can barely get started before the dreaded voodoo master Papa Shango comes out and steals Warrior’s sacred wristband. Maybe he just wants to…you know…smell it. I’m not here to judge. I mean, isn’t it kind of racist to assume that every black guy who steals personal possessions from a white guy is into VOODOO? Maybe it’s just a freaky sex thing.
See? Clearly that’s a man who is really enjoying himself. Warrior finishes with the shoulderblocks and big splash at 3:40, but then suddenly suffers an intestinal misfortune and collapses to the mat. HOLY SHIT! I’m finally putting the pieces together now! Papa Shango gave Brock Lesnar diverticulitis on orders of Vince McMahon! IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!
Meanwhile, Warrior pukes all over the EMTs and I want to immediately run right down to my local sports arena and buy tickets to watch Warrior get his revenge on Papa Shango. Vince McMahon stupidly thinks it might be “the flu” or “appendicitis”, but Mr. Perfect has the real scoop: It’s obviously the voodoo curse of Papa Shango. WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!
The Beverly Brothers v. Jim Brunzell & Bobby Knight
The Genius is still trying to get this “Legion of Sissies” shit over.
Sadly, I don’t think that advice will be heeded. Brunzell hits Beau with the dropkick, but his partner Bobby Knight tags in and quickly gets destroyed by Blake before the Bevs finish with their unnamed double facebuster at 1:20. I always thought it was called The Beverly Bounce on TV, but they still haven’t called it that yet, so maybe that was just a thing that PWI made up.
Meanwhile, in the Event Center, Virgil drops a fun fact that he was born on a Friday the 13th so he knows weird shit. And it checks out! You learn all kinds of crazy stuff on these shows, like how voodoo-induced lower abdominal pain leads to vomiting.
Man, remember when Charles Wright got repackaged as an actual pimp who would sell his women to opponents and everyone was like “Finally, a gimmick that’s not an embarrassment!” Good times.
Anyway, I think there was someone on the blog who made a comment when this show was announced for the Network that this show would be boring and I’d have nothing to talk about with it. You, unknown sir, are a nincompoop.