The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars–05.09.92

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 05.09.92

I was going to check out Worlds Collide, but sometimes you’re just in the mood for terrible 1992 wrestling instead, ya know?

Taped from Syracuse, NY

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Mr. Perfect. Man, the green screens are so much more obvious now than they were on our crappy CRTs.

Bret Hart v. Von Krus

Yes, it’s BIG VITO the dress-wearing goomba back in his days as a random jobber “from Germany”. Well he must be a big fan of Bret Hart, then. Bret quickly gets the legsweep and Sharpshooter at 1:10 while Shawn Michaels does a drop-in interview, building up a feud that sadly we never got a blowoff for. I still wonder what might have happened had those two clashed for the Intercontinental title. But, sadly we’ll never know. Might have been good. Seems like they’d have some chemistry.

UPDATE! WITH GENE OKERLUND!

Let us take you back to Prime Time Wrestling, as British Bulldog faces Repo Man and suffers a hanging with the rope. And then to really drive home the heat, Bulldog cuts a promo where he makes a bunch of puns about “wearing a leash” and “never being tied down”. Way to draw the money, Davey.

Kamala v. Sonny Blaze

Finkel’s disgusted introduction of “Dr. Harvey Wippleman” cracks me up every time. So yeah, Sid is gone and Kamala gets a job again as a result. I think it’s hilarious that Kamala has now been a wrestler in the WWF since 1985, in canon, and yet he’s still portrayed as a savage who doesn’t understand the basic rules of the sport. Chops and big fat splash finish at 0:48, and OH YEAH, he’s too stupid to understand that you need to have the guy on his back to pin him. Damn savages.

El Matador v. Bob Bradley

Something was cut out here, as they cut immediately from the Kamala match to this one, with commentary missing until Perfect suddenly cuts in talking about the Bossman and his issues with the mysterious Convict. So the poor guy has served his time for the parking ticket, and now he not only has to wear his prison jumpsuit in his day-to-day job, but is just called The Convict? No wonder recidivisms are such a problem. Using the Mother’s Day theme of the show as an example, what if your mom got arrested for walking the street and served her time, but then had to walk around with a nametag that said “Crack smoking hooker”? I bet YOU wouldn’t like it, either. Think about it. Tito works a headlock on Bradley, and then hits a kneelift to set up Pace with Extra Picante at 1:34.

Meanwhile, in the Event Center, we get a promo from High Energy…

clip_image001

Can YOU even believe that anyone would accuse Koko B. Ware of drug abuse in the 80s? I’m astonished.

The Legion of Doom v. jobbers

Totally can’t hear the names over the LOD’s music. Perfect makes a joke about stuffed LOD toys in the audience and how the LOD are “dummies” and Vince thinks that no one would ever associate them with that term. Oh, just wait. Meanwhile in the inset promo, the Beverlies continue trying to get this “Legion of Sissies” thing over and fail miserably. Doomsday Device finishes the geek in the green and purple tights at 1:20.

Money Inc. has words for the Natural Disasters, and as always IRS keeps going to the “tax cheats” well because that’s the only damn insult he knows. You know, he could always demand an audit of Earthquake for working in the US without filling out the right forms or something. Use your imagination!

Crush v. Kato

Crush overpowers him to start and no-sells some chops, then hits him with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker and press slam, before finishing with a spinebuster at 1:50. Still working out the kinks, I see. I mean, his whole DEAL is that he crushes things, and no one thought to give him, I dunno, A FUCKING BEARHUG? Actually, on second thought, that wouldn’t work, because you can’t compact a Diamond any further.

Meanwhile, Papa Shango is all up in Warrior’s juju with his freaky voodoo and burning his pictures and shit.

Hold on, Shango is going on about raising the dead, and Warrior died between Summerslam 91 and his return at Wrestlemania 8, right? THAT’S HOW HE CAME BACK! And why he looked so different! Papa Shango brought him back from the dead and then was able to control him with his voodoo magic and make him vomit black stuff. Probably planted those drugs on him, too. Goddamn voodoo.

Rick Martel has words with Mean Gene, and his accent is getting more OUTRAGEOUS and FRENCH by the day, as he’s pretty happy about blinding Tatanka and thinks they should call him “Whining Arrow” after last week. Man’s not wrong.

Ric Flair v. Sgt. Slaughter

Slaughter quickly gets a press slam and Flair begs off while the Mountie joins us at ringside while Jimmy delivers what appears to be a large sex toy to him. Oh man, this is gonna go REALLY bad for someone. Flair whips Slaughter into the corner and he takes a bump over the top as usual and hurts his back, which allows Flair to take over in the ring. Slaughter comes back and slugs away before they manage to somehow fuck up a backdrop. What were they even TRYING for there? I mean, a backdrop, I know, but geez, both guys were moving in different directions. Flair bails and Sarge suplexes him back in and then tosses him while Mountie revs up his giant electric dildo. I can almost hear Vince in my head declaring “Dear lord, HE’S LITERALLY GOING TO FUCK HIM UP THE ASS WITH IT! HIS RECTUM WILL BE DESTROYED!” And then Bobby Heenan would be like “Rectum? Hardly knew ‘em!” Anyway, Flair then tries something I’m assuming was supposed to be a slingshot or catapult, but Sarge fails to actually, you know, take the bump, and kind of falls back instead, forcing Flair to pretend it’s a sunset flip gone wrong and then maybe a Boston Crab? Anyone buying that?

clip_image002

Seriously, what the fuck happened there? Did they both forget the basic laws of physics mid-move and then freak out? Regardless, the ref is distracted, probably with laughter, and Mountie slips in with the ELECTRIC DILDO OF DOOM and puts Sarge’s lights out for the pin at 6:30. Hell of a way to build up Flair for rematches with Savage right there. Clearly Savage’s strategy should be trying to lure Flair into trying a catapult on him and then falling on top for the pin when Flair forgets how to do the move.

The Nasty Boys v. Brian Brieger & Bill Pierce

The Nasties drop elbows on Brieger while Perfect denies having any knowledge of Mountie’s nefarious plan. Sags with a pumphandle slam and it’s over to Bill Pierce while Perfect makes lame “shocking” jokes about Slaughter. That’s weak sauce. If it was me, I’d say “They’ll be calling him Sgt. Slobber because he’s drooling in the back!” Anyway, the Shitty Elbow finishes at 2:24.

NEXT WEEK: Ultimate Warrior faces one of the Nasty Boys! Hopefully nothing bad and embarrassing to all wrestling fans happens to him in the process!