The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 05.02.92
Taped from Kalamazoo, MI
Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Mr. Perfect
Big Bossman v. Mark Roberts
Bossman cuts a promo on the future Nailz via inset, and at this point he’s just “Convict”. But he’s out this week! And he’s already got a job lined up, so that’s pretty good. Bossman chokes the jobber down and gets the sliding punch, and the Bossman slam finishes at 1:52. Meanwhile, Bossman is handcuffing jobbers and brutalizing them with nightsticks, so who’s the REAL criminal?
UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE! Brought to you by the WBF Magazine and the 2nd Annual WBF Championship! But more importantly, we get an honest to god PROMO from Berzerker after last week’s attempted impaling of the Undertaker. This is more miraculous than the WBF making it to a 2nd annual championship show.
Papa Shango v. Red Tyler
Oh my god, Shango has used his voodoo magic to infuse this poor jobber with pale, freckled skin and red hair! YOU MONSTER! Meanwhile, Shango uses his inset promo to put forth his support of necromancy.
Shoulderbreaker finishes at 2:06 as Vince subtly begins talking about Ultimate Warrior in relation to Shango, so clearly Sid is a goner at this point.
EVENT CENTER! WITH SEAN MOONEY!
Ooo, we’ve got new music and a new set! Check out this sexy beast:
I actually don’t remember that set. We actually get a promo from Sid Justice here, which must be his taped appearance.
Tatanka v. Brian Costello
Apparently the red hair of Tatanka symbolizes “all the blood of the Indian nations”. Does that wash out? Tatanka with a bunch of chops on Costello and a suplex into the ring from the apron, while we get a promo from Rick Martel about how bad he smells. Maybe they should have given Dean Ambrose a bottle of Arrogance and a big button that says “Yes, I Am A Model”. He might not have given notice. Papoose to Go finishes at 2:20, but then Rick Martel comes out to disinfect the ring due to Tatanka’s disgusting stink. Well, geez, the man has the blood of all the Indian nations of the world in his hair, no wonder he smells bad. Martel stands there hurling insults at Tatanka about his awful smell until Tatanka gives a war cry and dives at Martel, at which point he gets a faceful of Arrogance and might be blinded. And then Martel steals the eagle feathers for the real heavy heel heat angle. And you people are gonna blame RANDY SAVAGE for houses dropping faster than RAW’s ratings?
Meanwhile, Virgil cuts a promo where he talks about money being the biggest motivating factor in his career lately. FUCK MONEY! OLIVE GARDEN MONEY!
Back in the dressing room, Tatanka yells and screams like a little baby while they try to put eyedrops in his eyes. Hasn’t anyone heard of an eye wash station?
Money Inc. v. Ron Cumberledge & Chris Hahn
The champs double-team Cumberledge in the corner and Dibiase allows Hahn into the ring while Vince wonders how they can complete with the “awesome girth” of the Natural Disasters. Phrasing. Irwin finishes with the Write-Off clothesline at 1:53.
Randy Savage joins us for a special interview, and Gene questions the validity of the win at Wrestlemania because Savage pulled the tights. “You gotta be ribbing me!” declares Randy. INSIDER LINGO! Apparently the only stealing was when Flair stole a kiss from his WIFE, and that was the kiss of death because now he’s really gonna beat the hell out of Ric.
Crush is once again thinking back on his youth, this time to his budding career as a baseball player, which unfortunately ended when he destroyed the ball by squeezing it too hard. Always squeeze them GENTLY. Everyone knows that.
High Energy v. Mike Bennett & Dwayne Gill
Yes, it’s the historic debut of Owen & Koko as a tag team, although they do not yet have matching Hammer pants. Well, it was a work in progress. Rome wasn’t burned in a day. Owen works on Gill’s arm to start and they double-team Bennett. Back to Gill as Owen hits him with the belly to belly for two and then it’s stereo missile dropkicks to finish at 2:21.
Ultimate Warrior v. Skinner
“Listen to the crickets!” Vince declares during Skinner’s entrance. I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments. Skinner spits his chew at Warrior, but he no-sells it because he’s not a whiny little diaper baby like Tatanka and just beats on Skinner in the corner like a real man. Tearing don’t make the world work! Skinner gets tossed and Warrior sends him back in with a clothesline, then puts poor Skinner away with the big splash at 1:00. So yeah, that’s a squashing.
Next week: Ric Flair v. Sgt. Slaughter in a match that likely won’t be as awesome as it would be in 1983!
Not a particularly inspiring episode this week, unfortunately.