The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 04.25.92
Carrying on! The description lets us know that “Sid Justic” is on this episode, which is a pretty rare typo for the Network.
Taped from Kalamazoo, home of Kaopectate according to Vince, which gives us the opportunity for lots of poopy-related puns.
Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Mr. Perfect
Ric Flair v. Ron Cumberledge
Ron looks like he could be Lance Storm’s dad or something. How did this guy not get a tryout or a serious look? As usual, I go down the jobber rabbit hole and it turns out that he worked indies in Cleveland and then left the business in 97. Flair pounds him with chops and drops him with a backdrop suplex, and NOW WE GO TO SCHOOL, WOO, and the figure-four finishes at 2:12.
UPDATE! WITH GENE OKERLUND! Brought to you by the WWF Fan Club, their latest rather devious attempt to expand their mailing list and make people THANK them for it!
Let us take you back to Jimmy Hart and the Nasty Boys doing a concert before Wrestlemania while Sherri tries to keep her boob from falling out. Did you know that it’s out on something called “videocassette” right now? Apparently you can just go into a store and rent one. Probably looks like crap on your 55” 4K TV.
The British Bulldog v. Kevin Kruger
Mr. Perfect gets a SICK BURN on Vince, rejoindering Vince’s criticisms of his amazing ring jacket by noting that Vince should get his own custom jacket that says “DORK” on the back. And then, for the extra touch of awesomeness, he laughs at his own joke. Now that is the sign of a great heel commentator. Bulldog, meanwhile, gets the delayed suplex, shrugs off the jobber’s offense, and finishes with the powerslam at 1:28.
Meanwhile, check out WBF BODYSTARS, which is apparently about hanging and banging, and other stuff that rhymes. What rhymes with turinabol?
The Beverly Brothers v. Eric Collins & Mike Freedom
Despite the awesome wrestling name, Mike Freedom is your usual pasty white dad-bod jobber. That’s a sad waste of a name. Blake gets a necksnap on Freedom, and then they finish with the Beverly Bounce on the other guy at 1:42. So the finisher was especially lame because “bounce” was a generic name for a finisher in the “insider lingo” that all the kids backstage used. So basically their finisher was called “the finisher”. Also, the Legion of Doom are SISSIES. And you thought Roman Reigns was weak on promos.
Meanwhile, the Legion of Doom remind us that the winners write the history books. Indeed, usually while riding a tank into the competition’s arena. Did they seriously expect people to pay money to see LOD v. Beverly Brothers?
Meanwhile, Crush continues reminiscing about his fucked up childhood, this time thinking back to his weird mommy issues where she narrates a home video in a weirdly sexy voice, and he accidentally crushes a carton of milk and, uh…
WHAT THE FUCK AM I WATCHING? HE SPURTED HIS MILK ALL OVER THE TABLE!
I guess he was “crushing it” too hard.
Crush assures us that he’s “full grown” now and no one is going to make him mind his manners any longer. Why would anyone even want to? What kind of messed up Oepidal shit does this guy have going on? No wonder he ended up in jail.
Shawn Michaels v. George Anderson
Shawn slugs away in the corner, but Anderson manages a leapfrog in the corner before walking into a tilt a whirl backbreaker. This gives us a chance to hear from Bret Hart, who would never let someone like Shawn tarnish his belt. YOU HEARD IT! Bret clearly insinuated that he’d never lie down for Shawn Michaels right there, so that’s why Shawn refused five years later. Shawn finishes with the superkick and teardrop suplex at 1:30.
The WBF Magazine is out now, for those confused teenaged boys who are having trouble admitting stuff.
Meanwhile, Texas Tornado talks about the Intercontinental title and how it represents all the things he believes in. Now, listen to this mush-mouthed promo and then keep in mind they probably did a billion takes and this was THE BEST ONE.
Sgt. Slaughter v. The Brooklyn Brawler
Brawler attacks to start and Sarge slugs away on him, as Vince notes that “mixing it up in a roughhouse fashion” is the wrong move with Slaughter. Sarge throws knees to the gut, hits a gutbuster, and then adds another elbow to the gut and finishes with the cobra clutch at 1:40. Amazingly, crowds in 1992 were not taking to the former treasonous mega-heel like Vince assumed they would, because even the canned heat couldn’t make this seem like anyone in the audience was reacting.
Sid Justice joins us for a special interview, and this would have to be his last appearance, no? He left after the tour that was happening that week and I assume they didn’t tape anything else with him after this cycle. Sid declares that it was the end of Hulkamania at “Rassle-mania” and now he’s moving onto Warrior. Sadly, we never did get that epic blowoff.
Shawn Michaels has left the building.
Maybe someone asked him to lose a title?
The Natural Disasters v. Kent Carlson & Tom Stone
Quake beats on Carlson in the corner and hits a belly to belly, then they hit stereo avalanches on Carlson, then stack up the jobbers and hit them both. Doesn’t that just cushion the force for the guy in the back? Obviously these morons don’t understand basic physics. Big fat splash finishes at 2:30.
Meanwhile, we hear from Skinner, so you know this is a quality episode. Then Tatanka, which makes me wonder: Why are we supposed to cheer for Tatanka’s buffalo skin, but boo Skinner’s alligator skin? Animal pelts are murder either way, according to PETA. SHAME ON BOTH OF YOU!
The Berzerker v. The Undertaker
Could there be a more 1992 TV main event than this? Sadly, the match never happens (what, Vince McMahon advertise a match and then not deliver? THE DICKENS YOU SAY!) as Berzerker tries to murder Undertaker by running him through with the sword. Taker of course moves and they fight to the floor, where Berzerker gives him a piledriver on the concrete and then just walks away, at which point Taker does the zombie situp and follows him back to the dressing room.
And yet box offices were still hitting record lows after Wrestlemania despite this awesome money angle. I’m as shocked as you.
NEXT WEEK: Skinner v. Ultimate Warrior! This gives us a SECOND promo from Skinner as a special bonus, and Warrior assures us that he’s had nastier things in his mouth than crewing tobacco. Well isn’t that special.