The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars–04.18.92

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 04.18.92

Well of COURSE I was gonna be all over this.

This is exactly what I’m looking for: A 40 minute show from the zenith of my fandom with interesting stuff to talk about. That being said, I’m immediately confused by the placement on the Network, because the current version of the show is filed under “In Ring”, but this one is filed under “Vault”. Their sorting is so confusing sometimes.

Anyway, the show had been known as Superstars of Wrestling up until this very show, but the various lawsuits over the name resulted in the name changing permanently, so that’s where we pick it up.

Taped from Kalamazoo, MI

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Mr. Perfect, with an Easter theme this week.

The Legion of Doom v. Duane Gill & Barry Hardy

Future light heavyweight champion Gill gets pressed to the floor to start and Hawk hits Hardy with a gutwrench. Ellering gets a witty rejoinder on the floor, declaring his team to be the “Lords of Discipline”, which is of course the masked identity of the jobber team on the indy circuit. Hawk slugs away on Gill while he sells like a ragdoll, and the Doomsday Device finishes at 2:14. Perfect feels that the move should be outlawed because someone is going to get a broken neck. Just ask Henry Godwinn. This was quite the squash. 1 for 1.

UPDATE! WITH GENE OKERLUND!

Sadly, Ric Flair’s alleged photos with Elizabeth have been EXPOSED as retouched fakes. Check out this tomfoolery:

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My god, that is so convincing, you’d think that the photographer just reshot the same pose with Flair instead of Savage! Flair’s evil re-toucher even went to the trouble of changing the lighting and the angle of the photograph to REALLY throw everyone off the scent!

I actually had to Google “Scitexing” and it’s apparently the Photoshop equivalent of a rotary phone. Even in 1992 it wasn’t exactly cutting edge, either.

Also, why do we just assume that SAVAGE is the one telling the truth? If Flair could “Scitex” himself into the photos, so could Savage. This whole thing is very unsettling. Although I guess Flair did make a fake World title belt, so he has a history.

Speaking of history, let us take you back to Wrestlemania 8, as Savage triumphs over Flair for the title, and Flair decides to lay one on Elizabeth, triggering a brawl. Mean Gene, the only person more lecherous than Flair, is APPALLED at this behavior, so you know it’s disgusting.

Repo Man v. Chris Hahn

Having learned a new word, Vince now confronts Perfect about the Scitexing scandal. You know, the man who overdubs fake crowd noise on this very show and moves people from one side of the arena to the other to simulate a sold out building? That guy? But Flair inserting himself into a Thanksgiving dinner picture with Elizabeth is THE WORST. Anyway, Repo beats on Hahn and finishes with a catapult under the ropes at 1:55. Well that was a fucking lame finisher. Afterwards, he hangs the guy with the rope and drags him around the ring by the neck. Now THAT’S a finisher! 1 for 2. Wait a second…I just realized that “Repo” is an anagram for “ROPE”.

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Event Center! With Sean Mooney!

Speaking of Repo Man, Big Bossman is going to enforce the “laws” of the WWF on Repo Man, because he’s all about law, order and justice. Until he goes to WCW and discovers law order and justice are registered trademarks of Titan Sports Inc, which ironically screwed over his career because of the very legal system he fights for. Funny how law and order turned her bitchy back on him on THAT one.

Meanwhile, The Black Scorpion a mysterious prisoner has ominous words for Big Bossman. Shit, Bossman has to deal with Repo Man AND this jerk? Also, what dumbass is letting this guy cut promos from PRISON? Aren’t they supposed to be screening this stuff?

Bret Hart v. Tom Bennett

Bret takes Bennett down and works the leg, then adds a suplex and goes up with the middle rope elbow before finishing with the Sharpshooter at 2:21. That’s right, it’s the original FIVE MOVES OF DOOM!

Meanwhile, speaking of law and order again, it’s the Mountie, and he’s got a new surprise coming up. Spoiler: No, he doesn’t.

Meanwhile, we learn the SECRET ORIGIN of Crush, as apparently he crushed a drink can as a kid and then went nuts and embarked on a lifelong obsession with crushing things. Fucking sociopath.

The Berzerker v. Mark Roberts

Berzerker boots Roberts down and tells Fuji “Everybody goes down”, which is the only thing outside of “Huss” I’ve ever heard him say. He ties up Roberts in the ropes and boots him a couple of times, which really gets the canned heat machine all good and torqued off, and a front slam finishes at 2:10. Next up for him: The Undertaker. Yeah, good luck with that.

Mean Gene has a bunch of kids all painted like Ultimate Warrior, celebrating his return, or maybe mourning the death of the original guy, depending on which rumors you want to believe. Sid Justice will soon realize that you must have lots of friends to be a great leader like himself. Also, he receives his power from the children. I guess the steroids weren’t doing it for him any longer and he had to move onto extracting from their pituitary glands or something. People were into weird shit in the 90s in the name of maintaining physiques.

Rick Martel v. Red Tyler

Red is wearing Lex Luger’s Made in the USA gear for some reason, and he gets a sunset flip for two FOR AMERICA. Martel quickly dispatches him with a backbreaker and crab at 1:40, however. Vince points out that Martel’s jacket lining matches his bow tie, WINK WINK…oh wait, he was being literal. Disregard that entendre.

Meanwhile, we take a look at the Fan Fest festivities from WM8.

The Texas Tornado v. Warren Bianci

The jobber stands on the apron talking trash, so Kerry gives him a discus punch while we get a drop-in from Kerry. He’s dedicating his life to family, and religion, and the WWF! Well he did a shitty job on all three accounts. Kerry gives him a bunch of punches and then finishes with the spinning punch at 1:45. Vince never let him get past curtain jerker again and he was gone by August, so apparently he just wasn’t dedicated enough.

Money Inc v. Jim Powers & Buck Zumhoff

IRS as always informs us that cheating on our taxes is illegal. Well, Buck would certainly be the expert on doing stuff that’s illegal. Powers gets a brief shine on Dibiase, but Buck comes in and gets destroyed like a pedophile who’s hopefully raped and beaten every night in prison. Dibiase finishes him with the Million Dollar Dream at 1:33.

Meanwhile, we get a promo from the Rocket Owen Hart. Just accept it. Other people might be losers, Owen notes. But “This guy’s a winner!” he says.

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It’s the headband that puts him over the top as a winner, I feel.

NEXT WEEK: Undertaker v. The Berzerker! Plus Sgt. Slaughter, Shawn Michaels, an interview with Sid, and Ric Flair.

Good god I love this show.