ECW on Sci-Fi 12/23/08 & 12/30/08

12/23/08 is the annual Best Of show that’s all recap and video packages so I’m fucking that off and skipping to the last show of 2008 instead.

We get a cold open with The Dirt Sheet, with both men debating the positives of abs vs. eating cheeseburgers. Various wrestlers get insulted with Morrison mocking Cena’s acting abilities (woah there, Boone) before comparing Hornswoggle to an animal. This brings out both Finlay & Horny (Miz: ”down boy, down!”) resulting in both guys/freaks getting beat up by Morrison & Miz until…The Boogeyman makes the save. You have to try really hard to make a Miz & Morrison match unappealing but By Jove Holmes, you’ve done it.

Matt Hardy vs. Mark Henry

This feels like an apology for the previous segment. Loud-arse chants for Matt who throws his awesome punches to no effect on Mark who headbutts Matt down. Matt won’t stay down so Henry has to keep pummelling him. A press slam doesn’t stop him so Tony Atlas has to distract Matt so Mark can connect with a Banzai Drop. When we return from break, the commentators are silent for a minute as we get the second week of production fuck-ups. Maybe Gavin Spears is moonlighting. Mark squeezes Matt which only increases the cheers. Mark attempts to skidmark Hardy across the ropes but he scurries away, sadly resulting in Hardy getting sling-shotted instead. Mark misses a sit-out splash enabling Matt to hit his second-rope elbows off the top and get a Side Effect for two. Matt takes out Tony on the apron leaving him clear to hit the Twist of Fate…except Swagger runs in and gives Matt a Doctor Bomb for the DQ.

Winner via DQ: Matt Hardy (An abbreviated version of their usual match, working as a side-dish to the Swagger main course. Was good while it lasted though due to the sheer amount of love Matt brings with him.)

Promo package for Kizarny, who spends the entire time hanging out with sideshow freaks and speaking in carnie.

This was annoying after thirty seconds so no wonder they dumped him quicker than Eric Escobar.

Paul Burchill vs. DJ Gabriel

Oh wonderful, we go from one award-winning gimmick to another as we get the debut of Incest Paul and Katie Lea. They’d dump it after a while but not after some arm-rubbing and DO YA GET IT YET looking-at-the-camera levels of implication. Burchill does his best to wrestle wearing a sneer but looks more like he’s just been told he’s going from pirate to sister-fucker.

I don’t remember Burchill being bad last time they allowed him on TV but he’s regressed to Mike Knox-levels of clothesline-stomp-chinlock and the only noise the crowd makes is chanting BORING. Another clothesline followed by another rest-hold and you’d think Burchill was the newbie here rather than DJ. Another chinlock from Paul who is moving around like he’s got two peg-legs until DJ hits a complicated slam, Paul recovers and rolls-up Dead Gimmick’s Chest for the awkward win.

Winner: DJ Gabriel (Paul bombed harder than Cutthroat Island.)

Finlay & The Boogeyman vs. John Morrison & The Miz (No DQ)

Fit slaps Miz around while JBL watches happily in the back, wearing a hat and nothing else. Miz & Morrison are double-teamed by Finlay & Horny, taking Earthquake splashes and then a clothesline by Boogey. Miz goes the other side of the ring but Boogey’s hand holds him in place from under the ring while Horny dives with his tiny tope.

It’s a testament to Miz & Morrison’s talent that they can sell for Hornswoggle and still be taken seriously as wrestlers. Finlay gets dumped on the apron and takes various double-teams from the Slammy Award winners as Boogey earns his money and drools on the apron. Boogey eventually clotheslines both Miz & Morrison but goes back on the apron and when Finlay tries a comeback, Morrison rolls him up for the three. Oh.

Winners: John Morrison & The Miz (No idea what the ending was about, it looked set up for Finlay to turn on Boogeyman for being shit but instead he dances with some kids to end the show and Finlay points at the camera and laughs at you for watching wrestling in December.)

Overall: This time of the year is for family and Muppet’s Christmas Carol so it’s your own damn fault for expecting something good on the brand featuring Boogeyman, Kizarny, incest and Main Event Hornswoggle. Happy new year and fuck you too.

I’ve been Maffew and I’ll be doing 2009, don’t worry. Follow me on Twitter and watch me on Cultaholic. Please.

Oh also I finally watched Botch Club so you can find out my thoughts by clicking here.