The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat – 02.21.99
Ugh this show annoys me SO MUCH but it’s a quick recap and there’s usually material to talk about. So we’ll soldier on for now until Superstars replaces it as my go-to quickie Network recap.
So on the episode of RAW after St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, Mankind lost the WWF title back to the Rock, and X-Pac lost the European title to Shane McMahon in a title change I had blocked out of my mind. Also, some guy named “Paul Wight” is now working for Vince.
Taped from god knows where.
Your hosts are Kevin Kelly and the Computerized Rooster of the 1990s, making the jump from WCW.
Vince McMahon and Kane head out to start the proceedings, and we’re onto the build to Wrestlemania now. But Vince also has problems with the Undertaker, who has been talking trash about the Corporation on behalf of the Ministry of Darkness. Vince has an envelope with some kind of threat from Undertaker, and he’s like…
Did we ever find out what’s in the envelope? Never mind, I don’t give a shit. Anyway, Undertaker is apparently a “vile miscreant”, which is definitely something you don’t want to be, and as a result he’ll face Kane in an Inferno match on RAW next week.
Meanwhile, Shane trains on the stairs with Chyna.
Too Much & DOA v. The Oddities
Droz joins us on commentary for this trainwreck, and he was apparently suspended for some reason, but he’ll be back soon. So Too Much runs interference by assaulting the Cartman doll while DOA double-teams Kurrgan with a double suplex, and Brian Christopher puts on a pink motorcycle helmet and finishes with a flying legdrop at 1:30. This was about as exciting as it sounded. 0 for 1.
Meanwhile, Billy Gunn makes out with Ryan Shamrock as that storyline goes completely off the rails.
Ken Shamrock v. The Godfather
Shamrock attacks while Godfather is still removing his gear, and follows with a powerslam, but Billy Gunn and Ryan come out immediately for the Sportz Entertainment Finish at 0:45. Still too long. 0 for 2.
And then we cut the entire segment down to a recap for those with REALLY short attention spans.
Meanwhile, on RAW, Shane wins the European title from X-Pac in a tag match that should have led to the easiest payoff in the world at Wrestlemania and somehow got screwed up.
European title: Shane McMahon v. Gillberg
Terry Taylor feels like the Gillberg entrance is “hauntingly familiar” to him. Gillberg charges in with a spear at the bell, but stops to pose at Chyna and Shane hits him with the belt and pins him at 0:20. These matches are actually getting SHORTER as we proceed through the show! 0 for 3. And again, this company misses the crushing irony of making fun of supposedly piped Goldberg chants and then overdubbing canned heat on their own show. So X-Pac comes out and challenges Shane to a rematch at Wrestlemania, but Chyna wants a match on RAW first.
Meanwhile, the cameraman tries to shoot footage of Owen & Jarrett in the dressing room, but they want none of it.
Al Snow v. D-Lo Brown
D-Lo slugs away on Snow, but Al puts him down with a clothesline and hits him with headbutts in the corner, but Debra comes out as this match has gone a marathon 60 seconds and thus is in need of someone to run in. And the tag champs jump D-Lo outside and beat him down, before Snow finishes with a Head shot at 2:00. So to recap, they had Debra, Owen Hart, Jeff Jarrett and Snow’s mannequin head involved in the finish to beat D-LO BROWN. 0 for 4.
Mankind is here to ponder his job prospects and future after losing the WWF title to the Rock, and he could be a jet pilot but he doesn’t like the taste of hard liquor, or he could go back to WCW but he isn’t quite old enough yet. So instead he wants to be the referee of the Wrestlemania main event, and he’s got a petition and everything. You know how I love petitions.
Big Bossman v. Viscera
Yes, this is our main event. Vis pounds away in the corner, but Bossman hits the Bossman slam and the Corporation runs in for the DQ at 1:08 and the beatdown commences. Of note here: Kevin Kelly mentions that Undertaker has been talking about a “power even higher than himself”, and we all know where that’s going. Anyway, Undertaker lights the ring on fire and cuts a promo to end the show while the Corporation presumably perishes in a horrific inferno as we go off the air, yada yada. 0 for 5.
Oh shit, we’re going FULL RUSSO now, kids. There’s no turning back.