The SmarK Rant for Edge & Christian Episodes 5 & 6

The SmarK Rant for Edge & Christian’s Show That Reeks of Awesomeness – Episodes 5 & 6

A reader asks…

“Please pull yourself out of 1999 to review the most ridiculous episode of E&C ever uploaded to Vince McMahon’ interwebs. So many insane gags I don’t even know where to begin. Beth deserves an Emmy.”

This is a complete departure, so let’s see if reviewing these shows on their own instead of part of the Hidden Gems for the week works or what. January has been kind of a shit month for ad revenue anyway so it’s worth a try. As always, I’m sure my readership will let me know if it’s not working.

Episode 5 – “Kay Fabe”

Will WWE Talk About It?

Right into the controversy!

CM Punk? No chance in hell. In fact, even the name is censored. BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL!

And now for our big investigation of the week, as E&C search for KAY FABE. You see, a lot of wrestlers might tell you that Kay Fabe is just an old carny term, but new evidence (mostly from Mick Foley) suggests that Kay was actually a real person. And then everyone shares stories of dealing with her and her wild party lifestyle. Michael Hayes sums up the whole deal: They stole a dolphin together, and then did what you always do when you steal a dolphin…make a sex movie.

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Yup.

Anyway, she had giant filing cabinets full of top secret incriminating evidence. Such as…

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I KNEW IT! Although I would have died laughing if the file folder was “Randy Savage and Stephanie” or something.

INTERLUDE: THE NEW WWE WRESTLING HOTLINE! ONLY $9.99 PER MINUTE!

Chumpstain Challenge! ROUND 5!

So we’re tied up 2-2 thus far, and this week the goal is to guess which couple comprises the composite photos to follow.

Photo #1:

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Christian is close, but misses the answer. I was way off.

Photo #2:

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Edge is close here, but misses on a technicality.

Photo #3:

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Yikes. Christian is way off here.

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Thankfully Edge gets this one to go up 1-0.

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Duh. Christian ties it up, thankfully.

The finale:

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Edge claims the win 2-1 with this one.

INTERLUDE: Never mind the Jericho Rock N Rager, join the E&C Cruise, complete with 31 hour on-board wrestling show. Kim Chee v. Friday! The Balor Club v. The Bullet Club v. Clubber Lang! Fozzy plays a concert (but Chris Jericho is not appearing).

Back to the investigation of Kay Fabe, as she apparently once stabbed Mae Young with a stiletto. The shoe. And pooped on Nia Jax’s kitchen counter. And lured Stephen Amell to work as a fluffer in a “five alarm pornographic film”. Sadly, it appears that Kay Fabe is dead. Or is she?

INTERLUDE: Total Divos, with Edge, Christian, Zack, Tyler, Dolph and Fandango. Christian unveils his new men’s yoga outfits, with Dry Taint Technology, or DTT. BRO-GA. Sadly, Edge scoops him at RAW and it goes horribly wrong. This was pretty amazing.

Back to Kay Fabe, as Mick Foley appears to know more about the situation than he’s letting on, so we get some interrogation from the boys. The dreaded good sock/bad sock technique only yields a fart that smells like a combination of Al Snow and Steve Blackman (“Well, I did have head cheese for lunch.”). Kay Fabe disappeared faster than a Zack Ryder push in the fall of 2012! That’s fast!

I guess we’ll never know. Or care.

Episode 6: “Kill Billy”

We pick things up with the Boogeyman telling a scary story, which sadly falls flat with our heroes. Christian points out that he’s threatened to get people a thousand times but never actually delivered on it. HE’S GONNA STEAL THEIR MAIL. AND WEAR SHOES IN THEIR HOUSES. I dunno, that’s pretty scary to me. His ultimate threat, however, is indeed pretty terrifying.

And now, OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION.

Chapter 1: Unholy Matrimony

It’s the wedding of Edge and Beth, but there’s no one to give her away. Except for Billy Gunn, who brought his digeridoo and just learned how play Aqualung. Of course, WWE weddings never go well, and this one is no exception. So Beth is going to KILL BILLY. After this break.

INTERLUDE: Drew McIntyre teaches some kid how to work out with the Hulk Hogan Workout set. Buy the vitamins, get the gimmicks free!

Chapter II: Foxy

Beth meets Alicia Fox, codenamed Captain Batshit, and we get a horrifically violent Wrestling Buddy battle until Foxy’s…uh…daughter interrupts…

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Well there’s something you can’t unsee. That’s all Beth can take and she’s off to Japan.

Chapter III: The Man from Okinawa

Beth goes searching for the mysterious Kendo Nagasaki (Master of the Fingerpoke of Doom), and trades her championship belt for a barbed wire baseball bat.

Chapter IV: Training Montage

Intermission (isn’t this whole show an intermission?)

INTERLUDE: An aging Tommy Dreamer reminisces about TommyBall, complete with historically accurate flashbacks to 2002, when he was a WWE superstar.

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He just got out of a hot shower, you see. You can tell it’s him by the kendo stick. Anyway, everyone took turns throwing tennis balls at Tommy’s balls, complete with wagering. It of course ends badly for everyone.

Chapter V: Tokyo Tango

Yes, it’s time for Beth to battle the famous Pirate Princess. That goes about like you’d expect with a barbed wire baseball bat. Sadly, a visit to Christian and his racist salt leaves her in trouble.

INTERLUDE: Chumpstain Challenge #6!

It’s time for the KNEE PAD CHALLENGE! The guys take turns guessing superstar kneepads. OK then.

KNEEPAD #1:

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Edge correctly guesses to go up 1-0.

KNEEPAD #2:

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Well that one’s pretty obvious. Christian ties it up at 1.

KNEEPAD #3:

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Another gimme for Edge here as he’s up 2-1.

KNEEPAD #4:

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These are so easy! Especially for readers of this blog. Christian ties it up at 2.

KNEEPAD #5:

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COME ON! The man has RAZORS right on his kneepads! How much more of a gimme can you get? Obviously Edge gets it to make it 3-2.

KNEEPAD #6:

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And of course Christian gets that one to tie it up, so it’s TIEBREAKER TIME.

Tiebreaker Kneepads:

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Both guys write their answers on the whiteboards and both get it right, so it ends in a tie after the tiebreaker. So we’re at 3-2-1 for the season.

Chapter VII: Six Feet Under

Beth now knows how Mankind felt against Undertaker at Buried Alive, because she’s also buried alive. Luckily, the memory of Tommy Dreamer is there to remind her that when one is in Phoenix Arizona, you get the hell out by any means necessary. Luckily there’s an urn to help her escape.

Last Chapter: Fingerpoke of Doom

Beth finally gets to sit down with Billy, and it’s the dreaded, deadly, FINGERPOKE OF DOOM, complete with Hulk finger.

And that’s it.

Emmys or Oscars or whatever for everyone involved!

Next week: Randy Orton gets anger management. I don’t know if they can top this one, though.