The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat–02.14.99

The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat – 02.14.99

Live from Memphis, TN, and this is the pre-game show for St. Valentine’s Day Massacre.

We get highlights of the god-awful Skydome RAW where Vince pinned Austin to win the gauntlet match to start, which hopefully isn’t setting the tone for this show.

Your hosts are Kevin Kelly & Shane McMahon

Vince McMahon joins us to start as I’m pretty sure this show is gonna be 99% talking segments. So Vince reminds us that he won the Royal Rumble (with clips) and then reminds us that he pinned Steve Austin “last night” (with more clips). Quick rant: That was really terrible booking. People didn’t want to watch Vince get heat on Austin and then Austin get his revenge, they wanted to watch Austin beat the crap out of Vince over and over. By booking it as a “normal” wrestling feud, they basically killed off the main appeal of the feud. So Vince offers Austin one chance to forfeit the cage match to him beforehand, or otherwise he’s coming to get him, PAL.

Meanwhile, Mick Foley runs into Dominic DeNucci backstage, along with his wacky friends Bob Backlund and Iron Sheik. Mick promises not to exacerbate anyone before a big match.

Test v. Viscera

Test has a proto-version of his eventual music, slowed down and without “BIDDY WIDDY WHOMP BIDDY BOMP WOMP” or whatever the fuck the guy is saying. Another classy note: Test wears a “Guns don’t kill people, I kill people” t-shirt to the ring. Guess we know who he would have voted for. Vis pounds away in the corner but Test fights back with a big boot for two as Shane is yelling the plugs for the shitty USA original shows while cheering for Test. Test tries a suplex and that goes badly for him, but he manages a rollup for two. Shane is becoming physically grating in my earbones with his coked up commentary. Vis with a piledriver and big splash, but Bossman runs in for the DQ at 2:21. Shane yelling “OH! OH! YEAH YEAH STICK THAT BIG BAD THING IN THERE!” is the kind of thing that…

…hold on, we immediately cut TO THE BACK for a closeup of Billy Gunn’s ass. I can’t even make this stuff up. Anyway, Billy makes the claim that he’ll be an effective referee because he can count to three. I’d like photographic proof of that. He does note that bribes are welcomed.

Meanwhile, Rock interviews a Harvard graduate, looking for a personal masseuse, but he calls all the candidates a bunch of “two dollar skanks” and sends them all packing.

Jerry Lawler brings out Debra, who then wants to speak to Mark Henry’s new manager Ivory. Debra sounds drunk off her ass and asks for the tag title match later tonight to be a mixed tag match instead with the women involved, although she completely botches the line and Lawler has to prompt her. Ivory refuses and threatens Debra, while Debra stands there making faces at her. And then all the men run in to break them up. Horrible and pointless.

Meanwhile, Sheik does the Persian club demonstration for Mick.

Meanwhile, Michael Cole asks Steve Austin the dumbest question humanly possible: “Will you comply with Vince McMahon’s demand to forfeit the cage match tonight?” Austin slams the door in his face.

Meanwhile, Ryan Shamrock stops by to “bribe” Billy Gunn as this stupid storyline somehow gets more convoluted. And it would get WORSE!

Tiger Ali Singh v. Billy Gunn

This is our main event for the show, halfway in, for those keeping track. Billy brings all of DX out with him for some reason. Billy, who is wrestling the match in his too short referee shirt, immediately hits the fameasser, but the ref was bumped literally 5 seconds into the match, so Val Venis runs in and counts the pin himself, and then Gunn turns on him and chases Ken Shamrock away. Was that even a match? Eh, who gives a shit.

Meanwhile, DeNucci does some training with Mick. “You give him the dropkick, and you’ll be the new champion right here tonight, Mickey!” “Dominic, I’m already the champion.” God bless Mick for making the best out of this brutal material.

Well, we’ve still got 15 minutes left in this show, so let’s do a review of the ENTIRE Rock-Mankind feud to kill some time.  Like literally, they cover everything from Survivor Series up until this turd of an episode.

Meanwhile, Bob Backlund badgers Mick into running the stairs. “If I do it one time, will you leave me alone?” And then Rock attacks him and takes out the knee in another one of those angles that went nowhere. At least Mick was selling the knee later in the night, I guess.  THAT was the payoff for the show-long storyline with those goofs?

Vince McMahon is out again, raging against Valentine’s Day and Steve Austin. But then Shawn Michaels shows up to interrupt for literally no reason ever explained, and makes some inside jokes about how he’d love to do Whisper 24 hours a day (his wife was the Nitro Girl named Whisper) and then Austin comes out and the show literally goes off the air in the middle of Austin’s promo and we never find out what any of it was about.

This show was a fucking disaster.