The SmarK Rant for WWF Smackdown–01.13.00

The SmarK Rant for WWF Smackdown – 01.13.00

Taped from Chicago, IL

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler

HHH is here to start, and finally the full water spit entrance is a part of the act. The pieces are all falling into place! Stephanie lets us know that no one is leaving the company or walking out. That would be in stark contrast to the competition around this time. HHH is a big enough man to come out and apologize. Not to any of US, mind you, or any of the jerks who threatened to walk out on Monday, but he does apologize to DX. I have to wonder if this walkout stuff was some inside baseball reference to WCW before the story broke a couple of weeks after this. I mean, the timing is PRETTY coincidental. Anyway, TONIGHT IN THIS VERY RING, the New Age Outlaws will face Bradshaw in a handicap match. And then they’ll face Faarooq in a handicap match. And if the other Acolyte interferes in either match, they lose their tag title shot. Also, HHH and X-Pac team up to face Big Show & Rock in the main event.

Onto Mick Foley, who was beaten on Monday night in the center of the ring and left laying in a puddle of his own blood. So if he’s got the GUTS, HHH will finish the job tonight. So out comes “Mankind” and Cole thinks that there’s something funny going on. Can’t put much past this guy. So “Mankind” grovels for his job and apologizes for being so pathetic, but this brings out the actual Mankind. Still wearing the same bloody shirt from Monday, in a nice touch. And he’s had ENOUGH. HHH has taken his job, and his dignity, and then ruined his shirt and his face, and he’s come to the conclusion that Mankind is an entertaining guy and a good author and a tough SOB, but he can’t beat HHH in a street fight at Royal Rumble. So he’s giving the fans a substitute, and suddenly CACTUS JACK is back with an awesome rip of the shirt like he’s Clark Kent turning into Superman, and HHH is about to shit himself. So Jack destroys HHH in the corner, and then Fake Mankind hits him with a chair and he shrugs him off and beats the living hell out of him as well. And just like that, Mick goes from lovable muppet to terrifying monster and HHH is standing there at the top of the ramp wondering what the hell he’s into now. And then Michael Cole annoys me by asking that very question for all the morons who apparently read at a 2nd grade level and/or the blind watching the show who were unable to look at HHH’s reaction.

The New Age Outlaws v. Bradshaw

This is no-DQ, so Bradshaw throws powder at them and boots Road Dogg down before clotheslining him to the floor. The Outlaws regroup and hit Bradshaw with the stairs in the ring and then batter him with a chair. Dogg cuts off a comeback attempt with a DDT, but Bradshaw boots a chair back in Dogg’s face. He tries a slam on Gunn, but Dogg gets another chairshot and they dogpile him for the pin at 3:00. *1/2

Meanwhile, Coachman makes his debut and tries to ask Rock stupid questions, but Rock has already had enough of him (“The Coach? Like the coach of a girl’s softball team?”) and burns him for the first time of many years of abuse.

Too Cool & Rikishi v. Crash & Hardcore Holly & Al Snow

I believe this is the first time where “Phatu” was dropped from the name. Sexay gets an atomic drop and powerslam on Hardcore and powerbombs Crash. Scotty comes in with a pumphandle suplex to set up the Worm, and it’s starting to get over. Snow finally trips him up and beats on him outside. Back in, Hardcore with the falcon arrow and he goes up and lands on Scotty’s boot and it’s hot tag Rikishi. Bubba Cutter for Crash, and he no-sells a Hardcore dropkick and finishes Crash with the Rikishi Driver at 4:13. Super-hot tag match as Too Cool keeps gaining momentum with this act. *** Snow turns on his partners again, still looking for a partner he can depend on.

Meanwhile, DX isn’t sure where X-Pac is at the moment.

Meanwhile, we take a special look at Cactus Jack with footage from various deathmatches to really establish how fucked HHH is.

Gangrel v. Test

Test slugs away in the corner, but misses a blind charge and gets suplexed as a result. He bails and Luna gets some shots in, and Gangrel drops elbows back in the ring for two. Test comes back with a big boot and the powerbomb, but he stops to go after Luna and Gangrel gets a small package for two. “Almost a big upset by Gangrel,” notes Cole, and Lawler replies “Uh, why would it be an upset?” Good point. Test gets another powerbomb on Gangrel, but Luna takes the ref and the heels go after Test for the DQ at 2:40. Energetic but didn’t go anywhere. **

Meanwhile, Chyna wants to stress that she’s not upset with Jericho and promises no more crazy headgames.

The Hardy Boyz v. Big Bossman & Albert

Albert beats on Jeff in the corner, but Jeff dropkicks him in the back and the Hardyz double-team him for two. Matt gets caught with a press slam onto the top rope, however, and Bossman comes in with his boring offense and then goes after Terri, but Jeff saves her. Back in, Matt with the unnamed Twist of Fate, which Cole names for the first time just after I type that. Albert accidentally hits Bossman with a corner splash and the Hardyz unsuccessfully try to double-team the heels, but more miscommunication follows and Jeff rolls up Bossman for the banana peel win at 3:30, only to have Bossman lay them out afterwards and brawl out with Albert. Man, they were betting on the wrong horse with THAT booking. Match was going OK until Bossman sunk it as usual. *1/2

Meanwhile, Big Show is dubious about Rock’s chances of winning the Rumble when he’s in there. Tonight they’re partners and he’s a professional, but he just wants to make clear that HE DOESN’T LIKE THE ROCK.

Meanwhile, Chyna has some bad news for Tori.

Kurt Angle & Steve Blackman v. Edge & Christian

Blackman rams Edge’s head into the mat and tries a flying elbow, but it misses and E&C gets the double-team elbow in the corner for two. Angle comes in and Christian slugs away on him, but he misses a charge and slides into the post. Blackman beats on him outside and Angle takes over in the ring with a huge suplex for two. Christian fights back with the inverted DDT and makes the hot tag to Edge, but Val Venis shows up on the Ovaltron and Blackman is so distracted that Edge is able to get a german suplex for the pin at 3:41. The undefeated Angle is sure doing a lot of jobs lately. Match was OK. *1/2

Meanwhile, Chyna tells Tori all about how Jericho fantasizes about Tori. Sexually. Yeah.

Meanwhile, it’s more memories of Cactus Jack, this time when he was beat up by the Outlaws and thrown off the ramp in a dumpster. That’s not exactly a high point for him.

The New Age Outlaws v. Faarooq

Faarooq tries the sneak attack and powerslams Billy, but goes after Dogg and takes too long, which allows Billy to hit him with a suplex. He comes back with a double shoulderblock on the Outlaws and goes for the Dominator, but Gunn breaks it up with a Jackhammer and they dogpile him for the pin at 1:14.

Meanwhile, X-Pac is still missing.

The Godfather & D-Lo Brown v. The Headbangers

Godfather questions the Bangers and their fashion choice, but Mosh insists that he’s just jealous that they look better than “the trolls” he brought to the ring. So with his women thus besmirched, Godfather beats on both Headbangers and legdrops Thrasher. Over to D-Lo, who gets tripped up by Mosh and double-teamed. He comes back with a suplex on Mosh and makes a hot tag to Godfather, who hits Thrasher with the Ho Train, and the Lo Down finishes at 3:00. Just two teams going nowhere. *

Meanwhile, Big Show doesn’t want to hear anything from the Rock and just wants him to stand on the apron and stay out of the way tonight.

Meanwhile, we get another Cactus memory, in this case the time in 1999 he randomly came back for a throwaway match against Mideon & Viscera that everyone probably forgot about.

Chris Jericho v. Kane

Jericho tries to assure Kane that there’s nothing remotely attractive about Tori, because he likes girls who are prettier and less stupid. Amazingly, this doesn’t work, and Kane of course beats on him as a result. Jericho fights back, but tries a rana and gets powerbombed. Kane goes up with the flying clothesline and Jericho bails to escape as the announcers note that Chyna made sure this was a non-title match so that Jericho couldn’t lose the belt. Come to think of it, are they EVER going to defend that thing? They came up with the whole stupid storyline of co-champions and then it never comes into play because they’re always in non-title matches or tag matches. Jericho uses the stairs to take over and tries the Walls in the ring, but now Chyna comes out and distracts him, allowing Kane to hit the chokeslam and finish with the tombstone at 3:16. Basically a squash for Kane. ½* And of course Chyna steals the belt back again to continue this stupid story that no one cares about.

Meanwhile, HHH wants X-Pac to trust him because it’s not about “X-Pac goes out there and gets the crap kicked out of him.” Hopefully it’s not like a Jax Teller “You have to trust me, it’s your only play” type of deal, because X-Pac will end up with a bullet in his skull by the end of the show if so.

HHH & X-Pac v. The Rock & Big Show

Show, who never got his rematch, attacks HHH and pounds on him in the corner, then follows with a sideslam and decides not to tag in the Rock. X-Pac comes in and Show beats on both of them and throws HHH around the ring. HHH gets a facebuster and yells “POWERSLAM!” and amazingly, that’s what happens next. Rock finally tags himself in and hurls X-Pac over the top, but tries the People’s Elbow on HHH and gets nailed with a chairshot as a result. X-Pac takes over but Rock hits a lariat out of the corner to counter the broncobuster. X-Pac gets a spinkick for two and HHH chokes him out in the corner and the camera zooms in while they’re planning spots, specifically the double clothesline spot that follows. There is some SLOPPY production work here tonight. Doesn’t help that HHH is practically screaming at the top of his lungs, of course. X-Pac kicks Rock down in the corner and HHH gets a suplex for two. Rock fights back with the DDT and everyone is out, but Rock crawls over…and Big Show short-arms him and walks out. HHH goes low and KICK WHAM PEDIGREE finishes at 6:33. And then Show chokeslams the Rock to go heel for the 17th or 18th time in his career already to end the show. ***1/4

WAY better show than RAW this week, with an epic opening segment and the remainder of the show flying by with a hot crowd all night and a big angle to end it.