The SmarK Rant for Prime Time Wrestling – 07.03.89
Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and an increasingly cranky Bobby Heenan
The Brainbusters v. Eddie Slater & Tom Stock
Tully & Arn double-team Stock in the corner right away, but Arn misses an elbow and Slater comes in. And then he immediately misses his backdrop and Arn beats him down. Tully with a dropkick and he whips Slater into a AA clothesline on the floor. Arn pounds on the guy behind the ref’s back, and finishes him with the gourdbuster and SPIKE PILEDRIVER at 2:55. Now THAT was a squash. They just murdered those geeks. 1 for 1.
Back at the studio, Gorilla notes that a piledriver won’t work on the Bushwackers because of their hard heads.
UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE!
Let us take you back to last week, when Rick Rude was going to kiss a fan and Warrior attacked him. This either makes him an early proponent of the #METOO movement, or else someone who prevented her from empowering herself by choosing to kiss Rude. I’ll leave it to everyone else to decide which. THE FEAR WARRIOR SEES IN RUDE’S EYES HAS BEGUN TO BLIND HIM! Do they make eyedrops for that?
The Hart Foundation v. Jake Milliman & Boris Zhukov
Boris is certainly fading fast from his spot on the card. Boris tries and fails to slam Anvil, and gets dropkicked as a result. The MILKMAN comes in and the Harts beat on him in the corner while we get a drop-in from the Genius. His point is that they shouldn’t have fired Jimmy Hart, although otherwise I have no idea why he’d care. Tony goes all Big Lebowski, noting “Well, that’s his opinion”. Seriously, why would you, in kayfabe, call the Genius in for interview tapings and have him randomly comment on the Hart Foundation turning babyface? I thought TV taping time was expensive. Hart Attack finishes Milliman at 3:00. And then troubleshooting referee Ronnie Garvin punches out Boris for no particular reason afterwards, which is good enough for a point in Bill Watts’ world. Fucking Russians. 2 for 2.
Back at the studio, Bobby notes that some kid eating an ice cream bar “had a good haircut if you’re going to the chair”.
Man’s got a point. Fun fact: That kid grew up to be CM Punk…
…’s lawyer. Or maybe someone who worked in his office. What the fuck do I look like, Wikipedia?
Ted Dibiase v. JT Thomas
Dibiase quickly blindsides Thomas while he’s arguing with Virgil and tosses him out for a slam on the floor. Back in, he lays him out with a clothesline and finishes with the Million Dollar Dream at 2:00. They’ve got some quality jobbers this week and these are quick, entertaining squashes as a result. 3 for 3. Dibiase was getting a renewed push thanks to the Million Dollar Belt and he seemed motivated here again.
Back at the studio, Bobby demands that they feature Andre the Giant next, but Gorilla informs him that he’s not scheduled and it can’t just happen like that. So Bobby goes off on a rant about how things would be different if he had his own show.
Bad News Brown v. Larry Larson
I’ve been playing Spider-Man pretty much non-stop since Christmas, and I’m disappointed at the lack of Harlem sewer rats in the game. Otherwise, it’s a perfect recreation of New York. Maybe they all left for New Jersey when Bad News died? Speaking of vermin, Bad News does a drop-in where he rants about “spineless cockroaches”. Isn’t that redundant? Well, I guess he’s an asskicker, not an entomologist. Ghetto Blaster finishes at 2:10. 3 for 4.
Back at the studio, Bobby demands some footage of King Haku, but Gorilla informs him that Haku is no longer the King and so this is IMPOSSIBLE to deliver. And Bobby has another hilarious tantrum about it.
Yee haw! Hillbilly Jim has an interview with Mean Gene and shows off his new horseshoe. Then it gets BETTER with King Duggan, and I can only hope we get a tag team match with these two against Haku & Andre soon.
Back at the studio, Bobby is ordering furniture for something.
Hercules v. Butler Stevens
I feel like Stevens’ parents were preparing him for another career and would be disappointed with where his life ended up. Hercules pounds on him and gets a suplex, then tires of this already and finishes with the torture rack at 1:55. It was only two minutes long and still managed to be boring. 3 for 5.
Back at the studio, Bobby is DISGUSTED with having to work with Tony Schiavone and wants him fired. “And I’m sick of all these directors and production people holding up fingers at me. This guy’s holding up one finger, what does THAT mean?”
Event Center! With Sean Mooney!
We get a promo from the Warlord, and Demolition.
The Twin Towers v. Ron Fails & Jim Evans
Even the announcers are riffing on Fails and his stupid name. Akeem chokes out Fails on the ropes and Bossman hurls him into the corner to bring in Evans. Bossman with a running shoulderbreaker and Akeem finishes with the big fat splash at 2:14. Ron tries to jump Bossman afterwards, but he…uh…doesn’t succeed. 3 for 6.
Back at the studio, Bobby decides to tear down the No Holds Barred posters and do some remodeling. Bobby: “A little kid came up to me in the airport and asked if I could get him this poster.” Gorilla: “Well it’s all torn up now!” Bobby: “Oh well, too bad for that kid.” Blowing his nose on the Hogan t-shirt is the icing on the cake here. Bobby was so great I’m giving this a bonus point! 4 for 6.
Koko B. Ware v. Barry Horowitz
“Piledriver” is here as entrance music, for those keeping track. Another drop-in from the Genius as he continues to comment on random babyfaces. Barry attacks Koko and slingshots him under the ropes, then follows with a back elbow for two. I would be remiss in not pointing out that Koko’s hair is styled like Simon Phoenix from Demolition Man at this point. Barry finally misses a blind charge and Koko comes back with the missile dropkick and finishes with the brainbuster at 3:00. This was fine. 5 for 7.
The Brother Love Show, with special guest Rick Martel. He dances with Slick and laughs about getting rid of the “refried bean eating Tito”, and of course Santana comes out like a moron and gets destroyed.
COLISEUM CORNER! With Tony Schiavone! This week, we take a look at More Saturday Night’s Main Event, featuring Brutus Beefcake v. Ron Bass.
Haircut match: Brutus Beefcake v. Ron Bass
Beefcake chases Bass out of the ring a few times and then slugs away in the ring with an unprecedented 15 punches on the mat. Jesse is pretty sure the fans in the arena can’t count that high. Dammit, he stole my joke. Beefcake goes to add more punches in the corner, but Bass takes him down with an atomic drop and adds a gutbuster to take over. The canned heat is OFF THE CHARTS here, as the dull white noise roar would make you think it’s Rock v. Hogan in there, even as people are literally sitting in the front row yawning with their arms crossed. Maybe they should try that with the third hour of RAW? And then they can use that digital hologram projection stuff to fill the arena when people walk out of house shows before the women main event. Bass pounds away in the corner and gets a piledriver, but he picks him up instead of going for the pin. And then we cut away at 5:10 aired, so now I’ll never know who won the match! DAMN YOU, TONY SCHIAVONE!
Dusty Rhodes is here to plunge a shitty toilet. Well, he is the son of a plumber, so he’s the expert. The situation is so dire that he has to do a “triple potty bypass” and installs a new toilet. One guess who came up with THIS skit.
Bobby thinks that the lady was just trying to lure Dusty into her home because she’s a tramp. Gorilla points out that he could be sued for slander, so he clarifies that she’s probably not a tramp. Or at least, not a big one.
Demolition v. Chris Curtis & Tom Stone
Lord Alfred notes that Curtis & Stone have teamed up several times before and have been working on their tag team maneuvers, so perhaps they have a shot at upsetting the champions. Well, they do have matching pudgy white guy dad bods and jobber tights, so I suppose that’s a KIND of tag team maneuver. Sadly, Demolition ruins their dream by destroying them and finishing Curtis with the Decapitation elbow at 2:30. 5 for 8.
Back at the studio, Gorilla is on the phone with the legal team about Bobby’s slanderous remarks and he’s getting sick of covering for him. Bobby declares him to be “The head guru of geeks” and isn’t concerned.
The Rockers v. Greg Valentine & Dino Bravo
Weird pairing here, in that Bravo & Valentine had gone their separate ways months beforehand and suddenly get put back together for a Superstars taping dark match. Bravo works a headlock on Marty and overpowers him, but the Rockers double-team Bravo and chase the heels out of the ring with dropkicks. Bravo is so immobile that he can barely sell the dropkick, I should note. The heels regroup for some advice from Jimmy Hart. That advice? “You’re the worst. Maybe get into the cigarette business instead.” Oh man, that’s TERRIBLE advice for Bravo! Back in the ring, Valentine works on Shawn’s arm, but charges and hits the post, allowing Shawn to do his own damage to Hammer’s arm. The Rockers double-team the arm and Shawn drops a painful-looking knee RIGHT on the arm. I’m not even sure how you’d work that, he looked he made full contact there. Bravo comes in and Alfred notes that “they’ve really been lacking in their tag-team-man-ship” thus far. That’s not even a word! Marty gets caught in the heel corner and worked over with an abdominal stretch from Valentine, and we take a break as Bobby is alone in the studio, and declares that he’s punched out Monsoon with one shot (and maybe beat him down with his $1000 leather shoe, his story wasn’t consistent) and he’s the host now.
Back with Marty getting worked over with a double elbow that gets two for Bravo, and a gut wrench suplex for two. Hammer goes to work on the leg, but Marty kips up and promptly walks into an elbow. OK, that was pretty funny. Bravo cuts off the ring and we get the false tag before Hammer hauls Marty back to the heel corner again. Bravo comes in and misses the elbow and it’s hot tag Shawn Michaels. Bodypress gets two on Bravo and he runs wild and slugs away, then dropkicks all the heels off the apron before the Rockers add a double dropkick on Bravo. The DOUBLE FLYING FISTS OF DOOM get two. Shawn and Bravo collide with the ref distracted, but Valentine puts Bravo on top for two, and thankfully Marty makes the save. Marty tags in again and rolls up Bravo for two, but Shawn distracts the ref accidentally and Valentine clotheslines them over to put Bravo on top for the pin at 12:24. Why they fuck would you job the Rockers here? And then it becomes clear, as Troubleshooting Referee Ronnie Garvin comes in and stooges out Valentine as usual, resulting in a reversed decision for the Rockers. Really, they didn’t do anything strictly illegal that would cause a DQ, so Garvin is kind of abusing his power here. I know this is going to go against everything that the blog stands for, but this was a hell of a tag team match and one of the better Bravo matches I’ve seen. I’d go ***1/2 easily. 6 for 9.
Back at the studio, we learn that in fact Gorilla was not punched out, but was upstairs talking to “The Powers To Be” and covering for Bobby’s bullshit, so Heenan lies and claims that nothing happened while Gorilla was gone and in fact he apologized to everyone on national TV. And then a director stooges out Heenan and Gorilla freaks out to end the show.
A GREAT tag team match highlights a fun show as we near the end of the show’s run on the WWE Network. Check this one out.