The SmarK Rant for WWF Smackdown–01.06.00

The SmarK Rant for WWF Smackdown – 01.06.00

The McMahon Helmsley Era lay down the law to D-X to start, since they failed to get Rock fired on RAW. So X-Pac faces Big Show, and he’s not happy with that. HHH points out that he beat Big Show single-handedly on RAW, so shut up. Billy Gunn gets to face the Acolytes in a handicap match so he can soften them up for Royal Rumble. And hey, HHH is putting his title up in the main event against the winner of a random draw.

Taped from Orlando Jordan, FL

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler

Big Show v. X-Pac

Show completely destroys X-Pac and tosses him around the ring, then chokes him out in the corner by stepping on his throat, and that’s a DQ at 1:08. So Show chokeslams the ref and then punches a chair into X-Pac’s face. So, you know, he’s not taking the title loss very well. DUD

Meanwhile, Chris Jericho tells Chyna that he doesn’t want her to tag in for the next match.

Hardcore & Crash Holly v. Chyna & Chris Jericho

Hardcore attacks Jericho to start and hits him with a dropkick, but Crash comes in and runs into a boot in the corner. Walls of Jericho follows, but Hardcore breaks it up and Jericho desperately crawls for a tag at 1:00 into the match, but Chyna denies him. So Jericho gets a backbreaker on Crash, but the Hollies team up and put him on the floor, where Chyna attacks him, and Hardcore finishes him with the falcon arrow at 2:30. This feud is DEATH. Just in case I haven’t mentioned it. *

Meanwhile, at Universal Studios, “Mankind” wanders around scaring children as they continue beating that joke into the ground.

Meanwhile, Tori bursts into Stephanie’s office, looking to use the bathroom. So then Roadie comes in looking for Hunter, and she tells him that HHH is in the bathroom, which leads to hijinks. Tori can’t even believably scream in terror at someone walking in on her taking a dump. That’s one of the first things they teach you in acting class!

The Acolytes v. Billy Gunn

Billy gets jumped and beat up to start, but he fights back with a DDT on Faarooq before the numbers overwhelm him. Billy fights back with a clothesline on Faarooq, but the Clothesline from Hell puts him down and a double neckbreaker looks to finish him. And then Road Dogg runs in for the DQ at 2:00. And that’s that. ½*

Meanwhile, Kane is pretty upset about Road Dogg walking in on his woman dropping the kids off at the pool, so it’s a match TONIGHT. So Stephanie somehow planned to have all the bathrooms in the arena occupied and fed Tori laxatives? As evil plans go, that one was kind of a stretch. What if Tori just shit her pants? Then the whole plan goes to hell.

Kane v. Road Dogg

Kane chases him outside the ring and beats on him out there before the bell, and we head in as Kane hurls him around the ring and slugs away in the corner. And then we get the choking and he follows with a suplex as the crowd is completely dead for this. Big boot and Kane goes up with the flying clothesline, but X-Pac comes down for the distraction and Road Dogg gets a DDT on the ramp. Back in, Roadie with the shaky knees, but Kane sits up and chokeslams him to set up the tombstone at 5:05. A boring squash for Kane here. *

Meanwhile, Mankind continues annoying people on the studio tour and gets scared by a shark. This bit has sure jumped the shark.

The Rock v. Kurt Angle

So HHH’s plan to screw over Angle’s winning streak continues. Rock and Angle both cut promos guaranteed to be longer than the match, as Angle wants to be elected People’s Champion by virtue of being an Olympic champion, and then Rock responds by telling him to shove the medals up his ass. In long form. They had some good chemistry already and a year later it’d be off the charts. Rock attacks and Angle bails to escape, so they slug it out on the ramp and Angle actually suplexes him out there to gain control. Back in, Rock fires back, but Angle gets a belly to belly for two. Angle stomps an Olympic mudhole in the corner, but Rock comes back with a neckbreaker for two and a floatover DDT for two. Rock lays the proverbial smackdown in the corner and Steve Blackman comes in for the distraction, so Rock steals the kendo stick and gets himself DQ’d at 3:43. I’m kind of glad they got that damn undefeated streak done with at the Rumble given all the hoops they’re jumping through to keep him from jobbing. **

Edge & Christian & Jeff Hardy v. The Dudley Boyz & Al Snow

E&C double-team D-Von for a bit to start, but Jeff comes in and gets mugged by the Dudleyz behind the ref’s back. Jeff escapes a Bubba suplex, but gets caught with a whiplash slam and they hit the Wazzup on him. Jeff comes back with a rana on Bubba and it’s hot tag Edge at 2:00 into the match, but he dives right into a clothesline from Bubba. Edge recovers with a spear on D-Von and finishes with the Downward Spiral at 3:00. And then Snow turns on his partners as he continues going nowhere without Mankind to focus him. This was OK but ridiculously short, like everything else tonight. **

Meanwhile, “Mankind” continues beating the dead horse further into the ground as he nearly gets arrested for bribing a guard with a quarter.

Test v. Big Bossman

Bossman is still Hardcore champion but this is non-title. Bossman quickly slams him, but Test comes back with clotheslines until Bossman punches him in the broken nose and then Prince Albert comes out and beats on him outside. Back in, Test comes back with a DDT for two and Alberts run in, but accidentally hits Bossman with the brogue kick and Test gets the pin at 4:00. Wait, how was that not a DQ? This felt like a marathon by comparison to everything else thus far. ½*

Meanwhile, HHH is confident about his chances with whoever gets picked.

Meanwhile, “Mankind” goes to the Back to the Future ride so he can return to 1982, which was apparently the last time his wife wanted to have sex with him. Ouch, that’s a little mean.

Kaientai v. The Mean Street Posse

This is LUCHA HOUSE PARTY RULES for the Posse, as Kaientai is down to Taka and Funaki by this point. Kaientai double-teams Joey Abs and Funaki almost gets a Diamond Dust Press in the corner, but it ends up more like Sliced Bread instead. Joey comes back with a suplex for two and Rodney comes in with a slam before backdropping him into a Joey powerbomb for two. That’s apparently called “The Stock Exchange”. And then Pete Gas debuts the terrifying GAS MASK, which is a ridiculous inverted full nelson into a sitout powerbomb and even Jerry Lawler can’t keep a straight face calling it while this doofus stumbles through his own supposed finisher. “He kicked out of the GAS MASK?!” Finally Taka dropkicks Pete, and Funaki rolls him up for the “upset” win at 3:00. Hot take, but Rodney and Pete were like backyard wrestlers pretending to work a match out there and it was seriously pretty embarrassing for a show aired on national TV. -**

Meanwhile, Stephanie gives a pep talk to the locker room and makes the big drawing to determine who gets the title shot tonight. So first he draws Andre the Giant, and then Fabulous Moolah, and then gets Finkel to draw. Sadly, Howard trips over the podium and spills his balls everywhere, but eventually finds one and picks Rikishi. This is apparently not what HHH was wanting out of the draw.

Meanwhile, the actual Mankind confronts the fake one, and he’s as irritated with Knight talking about his wife as I was, which results in a beatdown that hopefully kills off the character.

WWF Title: HHH v. Too Cool

I recall that this was a pretty big match for Rikishi, which turned him from midcard joke into a player. Rikishi sends his homeslices back to the dressing room for extra cred. Sadly, HHH’s entrance has regressed after RAW, as he doesn’t do the water spit this time. Hunter attacks in the corner to start and they slug it out, which goes badly for the champ. HHH bails and Rikishi follows and beats on him out there, then drops a leg on the floor. HHH sends him into the stairs and beats on him at the announce table, and then back in for a facecrusher on the knee that gets two. Lariat gets two. Rikishi comes back with a belly to belly for two and sets up for the buttdrop, which gets two while Stephanie freaks out on commentary. Rikishi Driver is countered into the Pedigree, but Rikishi backdrops out and superkicks him for two. Another butt splash misses, but now Stephanie takes action and gives HHH a chair, which gets two. Next, Stephanie gives him the belt, and that’s a DQ at 7:10. I kind of remember this one being a lot better and more epic at the time. **1/2 And Too Cool returns for the celebratory dance as we close the show.

The Mankind segments were BRUTAL and the rest was just a bunch of stuff that happened this week. A really weak show and I’m just waiting patiently for things to kick into high gear soon.