The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat–02.07.99

The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat – 02.07.99

Helpful note for all you aspiring website writers out there: Taking days off is a bad idea from a revenue perspective.

Taped from…who the hell knows, really?

Your hosts are Kevin Kelly & Shane McMahon

The Corporation (and Chyna) join us to start and Vince is pretty funny grooving to his new theme music. Vince is confident in the chances of both himself and the Rock on Sunday, when he faces Austin in a cage match and Rock challenges for the title in a Last Man Standing match. He’s got a plan to deal with Austin, which will turn him into a “heaping mass of jelly”. Also, Austin will face Mankind on Saturday night, which is apparently a special version of RAW due to some kind of pre-emption. OH, I KNOW! That was the god-awful RAW from Skydome that felt like it was 8 hours long and ended with the famous visual of Vince flexing on Austin in the corner, right? I think we actually got that one live in Canada on Monday night. This was kind of a rambling promo from Vince, actually. Usually he’s right on point but this was all over the place.

The Oddities v. Too Much

Droz, having purged all signs of his former LOD gimmick, lures Giant Silva to the back for some reason, which I won’t care enough to explore. Kurrgan actually works the match while wearing the fake tag title belts “won” from the Headbangers, and he gets an electric chair on Christopher while we cut to the back, where Droz attacks Silva with a chair and beats him down. Back to the ring, DOA runs in and DDTs Golga to give Christopher the pin at 2:24. Stupid shit piled on stupider shit. 0 for 1.

Meanwhile, Road Dogg and Al Snow have some kind of feud over the Hardcore title that is recapped with an epilepsy-inducing video package. Sadly, Road Dogg was injured and we never got that PPV blowoff, but it did completely recreate the career of Bob Holly.

Meanwhile, Al Snow demonstrates all the crazy stuff that might happen on Sunday and basically wrestles himself in a hardcore match and puts himself through a table. Also stupid.  And how much can you expose the business in one segment?  This is a good start towards finding out.

Meanwhile, Val Venis makes out with Ryan Shamrock backstage.

The Godfather (“with friends”) v. Ken Shamrock

Godfather is finally starting to get the opening speech over, although his cadence is still weird. Shamrock attacks in the corner, but Godfather hits him with a sidekick and drops elbows on him, then follows with the Ho Train while Shane is screaming encouragement at Ken on commentary. Godfather goes up for a pump splash and hits knee, allowing Shamrock to come back with a powerslam for two. Belly to belly sets up the anklelock, but Val Venis interrupts from the Titantron and heavily implies that he’s getting a blowjob from Shamrock’s sister. So Ken runs after him for the Sportz Entertainment Finish at 2:40. 0 for 2.

Meanwhile, Ken Shamrock beats on Val and then drags off his sister.

Luna Vachon v. Jacqueline

Luna has weird peppy new music like a babyface but she’s still a heel. They trade shots to start and Luna gets a hooking clothesline and a neckbreaker. She goes up with a pump splash for two, and then goes up to the top but misses a splash. And then it’s MORE bullshit as D-Lo comes out to badmouth Jacqueline in retaliation for PMS tricking him into thinking Terri was pregnant, and Luna finishes with a DDT at 2:30. Seriously, 3 matches and 3 outside interference finishes in a row? 0 for 3.

Mark Henry & D-Lo Brown v. HHH & X-Pac v. Owen Hart & Jeff Jarrett

D-Lo grinds a headlock on Owen to start and then powerslams Jarrett while there’s weird editing gaps in the commentary for some reason. X-Pac comes in and puts D-Lo down with a spinkick, but D-Lo gets the Sky High. Jarrett hits D-Lo with something from outside and X-Pac gets the pin at 3:25. This is apparently an elimination match, however, because we continue without Mark & D-Lo. Chyna heads down and we take a break. Back with X-Pac giving Jarrett the broncobuster and everyone is brawling, but X-Pac misses a second one on Owen and it’s Sharpshooter time. HHH quickly breaks it up with a dropkick while a coked up Shane runs through nicknames for Chyna that were never used again. HHH gets a hot tag and goes for the Pedigree on Owen, but Chyna comes in and goes low on him and Owen gets the pin at 7:35. A fourth outside interference finish! This was just a bunch of noise with Shane making more noise on commentary. 0 for 4.

Ugh, Vinnie Ru’s worst instincts keep taking over this show as it gets more and more unwatchable.