The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat–01.24.99

The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat – 01.24.99

Well, Andy has already claimed Christmas Star Wars for today, so I guess I’ll trudge back to Sunday Night Heat tonight. Thankfully there’s lots more Hidden Gems to go around this week.

It’s the pre-show for Royal Rumble 99! Sadly I don’t think I’ll have time to redo it this weekend.

LIVE from Anaheim, CA

Your hosts are Kevin Kelly & Shane McMahon

Steve Austin pulls up to the arena in his truck, but a parking attendant tells him that it’s “VIP only”, so Steve goes to find a limo.

Vince McMahon and his stooges join us to start…and is this the debut of “No Chance in Hell”? Vince claims to have never lost a street fight, and in fact he always tells his opponent exactly what’s going to them before it happens. He’s also going to give Mankind a tune-up match on Heat just to make sure he’s ready for the Rock.

Meanwhile, it’s another limo in the parking lot, and a big fat masked man emerges, who is presumably the mystery opponent for Mankind. Oh, goody.

Too Much v. Bob Holly & Scorpio

The JOB Squad are using weird generic rock music here, shortly before Holly’s repackage as Hardcore and awesome new music. Too Much dumps Holly and double-teams Scorpio, but he flips out of it and clotheslines both guys before powerbombing Taylor. Moonsault misses as Brian trips him up, and Too Much gets a double superplex. And then we get a goofy spot as they hug and Brian accidentally dumps Scotty out of the ring in the process. Holly comes in and pounds on Brian, but misses a blind charge and gets clotheslined. Scorpio comes back in with a flying splash, but misses a corner splash and Christopher comes in with a missile dropkick. Scorpio comes back with a Pele kick of sorts and it’s hot tag Holly, who hits the DROPKICK OF DOOM on Christopher and a falcon arrow for the pin at 3:47. This brings out the Acolytes & Mideon, who destroy both teams on behalf of the Ministry of Darkness. And then Undertaker joins us for a promo, where he promises to choose his next victim later tonight. Question: What the hell is a “Mideon” and what is his gimmick supposed to be, exactly? I’ve never been able to figure it out.

Meanwhile, Mankind promises that it will be Rock who screams “I Quit”. Hope no one was recording that promo.

We recap the “tremendous” feud between Luna and Sable. Luna looked up to Sable as a role model, you see, despite being in the business for more than a decade before Sable ever worked a match. So we are blessed with another promo from Sable, at which point Luna attacks her and nearly rips her top off in the process.

Vince McMahon is back and looking for Steve Austin, so Steve drives up in a giant limo monster truck and heads into the ring in record time. Usually it takes two commercial breaks and three segments for someone to walk from the dressing room to the ring! So Vince slaps him and runs away as the Stooges take the beating for him.

Now let’s recap the Austin-McMahon feud to kill some more time.

And then we take a break and recap the previous recap and Austin-Vince angle. STRETCH IT OUT! STRETCH IT OUT!

Mankind v. Mystery Opponent

I love how the ring announcer has to call him “Mankind’s Mystery Opponent”. The crowd immediately is hip to the room with regards to the “mystery” man, but obviously it’s big fat Mabel with a ski mask. Mankind slugs away in the corner and chokes him out, but Mabel shoulderblocks him out of the ring while the announcers have to pretend not to know exactly which load of crap is under the mask. Mabel pounds away and gets a corner splash and Shane is just the worst here, yelling “BOOYAH!” after every move and literally jumping around at ringside and yelling into the headset like he’s on amphetamines. Mabel continues with the clubbing forearms and choking and the crowd is just so bored with this shitty match. Finally Mick gets a double arm DDT and pulls off the mask to reveal MABEL, at which point Rock runs in for the DQ at 5:00. So they brought Mabel back here as a Corporate stooge, and literally by the end of the night they had already turned him into one of the Undertaker’s posse.

So this may have been the worst episode of Heat ever, by quite a wide margin. But at least it’s short.