The SmarK Rant for Mid-South Wrestling–02.04.84

The SmarK Rant for Mid-South Wrestling – 02.04.84

Taped from Shreveport, LA

Your hosts are Boyd Pierce & Bill Watts

So tonight the tournament for the TV title begins, and I SWEAR TO GOD here’s the “graphic” that they put up on the screen for it:

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That is so awesome. Literally drawn on a piece of posterboard with a Sharpie. God bless Bill Watts and his cheap heart.

BUT WAIT! We already have a change in the bracketing, since Jim Duggan is out with an injury caused by that no good Commie Russian motherfucker, Krusher Darsow, who put Duggan out with a coal miner’s glove. So we go back to the “coal miner’s glove match” between Darsow and Duggan at a house show as Watts explains the origins of the match. So Duggan gets the glove and knocks out that dirty Russian rat for the pin, but then equally dirty slimeball Russian bastard Nikolai Volkoff comes out for a beatdown and Darsow steals the glove and uses it to injure Duggan. FUCKING RUSSIANS. FUCK!

Krusher Darsow v. Tommy Heggie

OK, so Bill, as noted, explains the origins of the coal miner’s glove, and here’s some info you can share at parties or political rallies or whatever. Apparently coal miners used to scrape their hands on the walls all the time while they were mining coal underground (not that those fucking Commie Russian jerks would know anything about hard work!) so they developed reinforced gloves with metal on the knuckles to protect them. So now you know. Anyway, Darsow, that traitor, finishes Heggie with the over-the-shoulder backbreaker at 1:44, the finisher of all shitty power wrestlers. I’ll give it a point for Bill Watts educating us on the origins of the coal miner’s glove. 1 for 1.

Last week: The Midnight Express whips the shit out of Magnum & Wrestling II and gets them all fired up.

Magnum TA & Mr. Wrestling II v. Tom Lentz & Jerry Gray

The tag belts are getting REALLY ghetto and hopefully Cowboy springs for some new ones soon. Like one of the side plates has literally fallen off Magnum’s belt. TA slugs away on Lentz and backdrops him, and the champions bring Gray in and double-team him in their corner. Wrestling II works a headlock and TA chops him down. II cradles for two and TA works a headlock, but Wrestling II gets caught in the jobber corner. TA quickly tags back in and slams Lentz for two, then it’s the kneelift into TA’s belly to belly suplex for the pin at 4:10. Fine little squash. 2 for 2.

Let us take you back to a house show where Jim Neidhart meets former tag partner Butch Reed, only for that fucking no-good Commie turncoat Darsow to interfere and give Reed a football helmet, and a beatdown commences.

Jim Neidhart v. Larry Santana

Neidhart hurls Santana around the ring and pounds on him in the corner, and follows with a clothesline and various slams. Watts clarifies that Larry is of no relation to Tito Santana, and Neidhart finishes with a fallaway slam at 1:30. 2 for 3.

Masao Ito v. Mike Jackson

Bill just keeps trying to make Fetch happen with Ito. BREAKING NEWS: Jim Duggan’s spot in the tournament will be filled by young star Leaping Lanny Poffo against Ito next week. Better go rush to Twitter right now. Ito pounds on Jackson with his dreaded martial arts and drops a leg, then finishes with the Tongan Death Grip at 2:20. This was a complete waste of a quality jobber in Mike Jackson. 2 for 4. ENOUGH with this guy already. Watts doesn’t trust Ito and feels like his polite demeanor is a SUBTERFUGE.

Meanwhile, the young, good-looking All American kid Terry Taylor does a fun photoshoot where he has fun and more importantly remains American. This is intercut with footage of him fighting off the Russians, to really reinforce how American and wholesome that he is. Bill Watts is very impressed with how good Taylor looks in the photos. In a manly way, I’m sure.

Nikolai Volkoff v. “Jumping” Joe Savoldi

Volkoff is still working out the kinks in the anthem gimmick. Now, time for the obvious question: Has there ever been a top level star with the nickname “Jumping”? Aside from, like, Jim Brunzell I can’t think of any. Anyway, Watts says, and I’m quoting here, “Thank god we live in America where you can boo the Russian national anthem.” Now this is a man who would never be accused of election fixing with Russian help. There’s still time for a Presidential run, Bill. Volkoff pounds on Savoldi, gets a backbreaker, and finishes with the press slam into the backbreaker at 2:20. I’m giving Bill Watts a point because IT’S MY REVIEW. 3 for 5.

Mid-South TV title tournament, round one: Terry Taylor v. Buddy Landel

Taylor wins a lockup battle and Buddy stops to fluff his hair up again, so Terry gets a hiptoss for two. Has Bill Watts mentioned that Terry Taylor is really good looking lately? Well, he mentions it again here. Buddy works a lengthy chinlock on the mat after the usual trade of headlocks and mat wrestling, but Terry fights out and hits the fivearm for the pin at 4:29 to advance. This was fine. 4 for 6.

The Rock N Roll Express are still on their way.

And now, Bill Watts presents the updated brackets for the tournament:

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There you go, for those of you playing Fantasy Mid-South Wrestling at home. I do know who wins the tournament but I won’t spoil it, so as not to ruin any wagering involved here.

NEXT WEEK: Magnum TA relaxes at home, and we’ll have footage! God bless America and Bill Watts!